About Adultery. Cheating Outside The Trap Of Stereotypes

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The other day there was an article on the Internet (or maybe it also goes around), I don't remember the exact name, but the point is about the mistresses of married men. The condemning article, although written by a psychologist-author, is in the spirit of “no-no-no, you cannot build happiness on someone else's misfortune” and about how they (both a mistress and a “married-reveler”) are not mature. This article had quite a few shares, i.e. the readers liked it, they agree. She prompted me to some thoughts, which I am ready to share (yes, Baba Yaga is against it again)

On the one hand, every time a wave of disagreement rises in me when I encounter moralization. Not a person's moral personal position, his deepest values, but an attempt to universally moralize as a kind of protection from the painful search for his own truth, a vain attempt to simplify, to protect oneself from a strange, incomprehensible, unjust world. On the other hand, I have not seen cases where the stereotypical simplification of a human being would have been curative.

Here I would like to make a few small but important remarks

1) I appreciate the family and do not discount its value. I believe that a family can be a tremendous strength, meaning, a source of love, support, personal growth. But such families are not something that happens by itself. Such families are rare and a lot of work on relationships, the art of communication. And this does not mean that in such families everything is always simple and smooth.

2) Family and couple (husband and wife) are not the same thing. Even if a married couple does not have children, they are usually interconnected as a family with their parents and / or other relatives. The family is a system, it is broader, more powerful, more complex. And while, of course, the relationship between husband and wife most directly affects the atmosphere in the entire family, when considering the problem of adultery, it is important to remember that it can remain a problem for the couple, but not for the whole family.

3) To separate "flies from cutlets" completely, I will make one more remark: husband and wife are one relationship, parents and children are another relationship. To declare that the presence of a mistress or lover, just like a divorce between a husband and wife, means the collapse of all family relationships is wrong. We can divorce a husband or wife, but we cannot divorce our parents or children. And linking the relationship of the latter to adultery is most often the beginning of manipulation.

4) I am against licentiousness, but for a deeper understanding of the processes taking place in relation to people.

With preliminary reservations, probably everything in this case. Now to the topic itself. Difficult and painful for many men and women.

Over the past few years, I have worked a lot with married couples. Almost all of them raised the issue of guarantees in one form or another. Yes, guarantees that it will be this way. And, of course, there will be no betrayal. It's a common desire to have a warranty card for a relationship, like a washing machine or refrigerator. But here it is, the cynical truth of life: there are no guarantees for a relationship. No, and it cannot be. Why? Therefore, as any relationship is dynamic, they change themselves and change us, they depend on us and our behavior, they are largely tied to the emotional sphere, which is mobile and unstable. There are no guarantees for a relationship and this fact raises many different feelings. Often unpleasant. And here moralization can also come to the rescue: "only immature / infantile / selfish / vicious / dirty people change!" (Underline whatever applicable). Some add to this and instructions for action in an extreme situation: "Treason means divorce." And by this, by the way, they often drive themselves into a trap. Because adultery (I do not like the word "betrayal") is a much more common phenomenon than I would like to think about it. And sometimes, if it happens, there may come a moment when we do not have the principles, but the principles have us.

The second truth is that the reasons for adultery are different. And the development of situations is very different. Stereotypical generalization and labeling (perfectly supported, for example, on the stage) move people away rather than closer to each other, worsening relationships and giving even more space for the formation of new "saving" relationships.

Behind the emergence of love relationships outside the family there is always a certain unmet need, conscious or unconscious. It can be the need for tenderness, the need to feel desirable, beautiful, the need for emotional closeness, acceptance, intellectual communication, self-affirmation, etc. Both are responsible for the appearance of the third. But such a responsibility is not to actively get into such a relationship in fact, but to initially carefully take care of your own relationship between yourself and your partner. This position can be expressed roughly as follows: “There are no guarantees that we will always be together. But while we are together, I will do my best to make me and my partner really good in this relationship. Harmonious close relationships are based not on obligation (“I must not cheat on my wife / husband” or “You must not cheat on me. Swear you won’t do this”), but on the desire to be together, on love and respect (“I want to be with you, I love and respect you, I don’t want to hurt you”). We can hardly directly influence his relationship with his mistress / lover, but we can do a lot in our own relationship: enrich it or destroy it.

Adultery - does not mean that you are no longer loved, it means that something is missing in your relationship, and most likely both. Perhaps it means that the time has finally come to become more frank with each other, bolder, to meet each other for real, to see a man in a husband, a woman in a wife, another person with his own desires, needs, interests. Perhaps this means that they no longer feel passion for you, but this power, as easily fades away, fortunately it easily flares up (and you can influence this). The feelings you have for your mistress / lover and the feelings you have for your wife / husband are different feelings. You can't discount your relationship with your partner just because he has feelings for another person.

Adultery - does not mean that someone stole your love. Love cannot be stolen. It is not something that we find or lose, it is not something that can be taken away. Love is an action, it is a position, it is a way to live. To love another is to act in a certain way towards him every day (this also applies to love for oneself, and love for the world in general). Your way of being is impossible to steal.

Adultery - this is not the end. And this is another important truth. When a husband or wife finds out about the appearance of a mistress or lover, it hurts.

Adultery usually hits self-esteem, causes insecurity, confusion, confusion, anger, jealousy, but it also destroys illusions.

For example, the illusion that a husband or wife is our property, that this is a “dear person” (like a father or mother, brother or sister), and therefore will not go anywhere, no matter how we behave, the illusion of our own exclusivity (they say it happens to everyone, but it will not happen to me), the illusion that the castle on the sand, which we drew in our own imagination, will be eternal. We mourn our own illusions. And the question arises. No, not a question Why should I do this? or Why? but what about it? And maybe, instead of a castle in the sand of your own fantasies, start building real, realistic relationships with a specific person, not ideal, but alive, seeking and sometimes making mistakes. But this is already a new story …