Aren `t You Ashamed?! - Should It Be?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Raise your hands for those who were told this "wonderful and inspiring" phrase as a child. Most likely, at least half of the post-Soviet space has heard it several times in their lives

In childhood, they were ashamed of many and often. So often that shame has been recorded, embedded as something natural, almost self-evident in the subconscious of so many.

Nevertheless, clients rarely talk about shame in sessions. Almost never. Shame in this regard is "beautiful" in that it is difficult to catch. To feel - how to drink some water in a hot summer, and to admit, put it into words and throw it out loud - is an almost impossible mission. There is also a very "comfortable" confusion between shame and guilt.

In short. Guilt is what you are doing wrong. On the legal plane, where the guilt is proven, there is a clear definition of responsibility. There is not only condemnation of the deed, but also punishment. Also in this scene there is someone besides you two, the third, inside or outside saying that what was done is bad.

Shame is directly related only to you. That is, literally - something is wrong with you. Others are just witnessing this terrible horror.

Shame is basically a total condemnation of one's own being. Such a large and strong inner condemnation, from which there is no way out, nor at least any opportunity to receive an apology or forgiveness. For example, when the "kind teacher" puts the child in front of the class and begins to destroy and shame him for how terrible and wrong he is.

Guilt appears where you know you have done something bad to someone. Shame stems largely from one's own helplessness (for example, in front of a large and strong adult). And then it turns out that it is impossible to identify the "enemy".

So you lost your temper and instead of the image of a quivering doe entered the role of a fierce lioness, tearing apart verbally another curious and "sympathetic" about your wedding-pregnancy-relationship-work. Instead of calmly licking your paw after the fight, you sit and sprinkle hot coals on your head: good girls / boys never shout and always defend their boundaries only with the calm language of Yesenin, good girls / boys are above "this." And the feeling of shame slowly rises to the throat again, almost gently squeezing it with gloves tight to a squeak.

Or imagine that you have agreed with your husband / wife that from tomorrow you will quit drinking / smoking together and start doing water polo / dancing / running. For the sake of future healthy descendants, you have agreed or just the ninth thing. They just agreed. And suddenly, on the third week of your agreement, your partner finds you drinking a glass of dry red and watching the "naked truth" instead of training. It is quite normal to admit that you are very tired at work and there is simply no resource to be correct, but there is a desire to relax and laugh at simple vulgar jokes. It’s sad when you start to hate and despise yourself, because again “I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t, I let you down, but what’s wrong with you”. This is how shame works. It always comes from within. You just know: something is wrong with you.

Shame (as well as trauma) triggers fear: to be abandoned, to remain isolated, to feel neglected in every cell of your body. It's extremely difficult to even think about it, let alone say it out loud. Therefore, he is pushed to the backyard of the subconscious.

Nevertheless, catching the end of the tail and naming shame (like any other emotion in general) is extremely important. After all, if this incomprehensible heavy sensation has a name, shape and color, you can already work with it. So, do not let him continue to destroy your beautiful self)