2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"Aren `t you ashamed!". This phrase makes it difficult for children and adults to live.
Anyone has heard the phrase about shame at least once. “Aren't you ashamed to behave like that?” With age, they do not cease to shame us. It's a shame to complain. It's a shame to be different from others. Let's talk about how shame destroys our lives.
For a long time I have worked with people with eating and body image disorders. She led therapeutic groups. After one of them, a girl wrote to me and personally asked for help. She told a lot about herself and her life, but the leitmotif of all the correspondence was one very short and succinct word: shame.
It's a shame to live in such a body. I am ashamed to leave the house. It's a shame to go to training, because everyone is slim there. It's a shame to do what you want to do.
Is she the only one ashamed? Of course not. Shame isn't just about weight and body. This phenomenon is much deeper.
What is shame
The main task of any person is to become independent. No, not building a career or a home, not having many children. It is to become independent, which makes it possible to build your life in accordance with your desires or needs. If a person did not cope with this task, that is, did not become independent, he, as you already understood, remains dependent on something or on someone. And any addiction gives rise to familiar, but unpleasant things: guilt and shame.
If I am dependent on someone, I feel guilty if something goes wrong. I am ashamed if I do not live up to the expectations of those on whom I depend. If I depend on public opinion, this very society rules and directs me.
How we become "infected" with shame
"Aren `t you ashamed!" - parents say if the child, in their opinion, did something wrong. Many have heard this message in their childhood. A person is forcedly dependent on family, parents and environment for a long time.
Children feel weak and defenseless, while strong and big adults are perceived as almost omnipotent. At some point, the child understands: in order to survive, you need to do what "big and strong" adults say.
If you live up to expectations, you can be safe. But here's the bad luck: they usually shame after having already done something. Therefore, the child has no other choice but to methodically step on the “mines” with his actions and receive feedback.
There is another form of shame: the shame of helplessness or the shame of being dependent. On the one hand, it's embarrassing to do what you want (others don't like it). On the other hand, it is a shame to be dependent and helpless. This can be clearly seen in parenting messages: work hard, be independent / independent, get married, rely on yourself, do not ask others for help. This creates an absolutely schizophrenic situation: no matter what you do, you will still be ashamed.
People are not born with shame. This phenomenon is social and is formed in society. Probably, once upon a time, when people lived in large groups, a sense of shame helped to live in this group according to the rules, which allowed a person to survive. However, times have changed.
Now it is possible for a person to choose the group in which he will be as comfortable as possible. And a very useful and necessary skill can help him in this: the ability to adapt.
Hear yourself without "interference"
To effectively adapt to living conditions and to people, you need to be able to hear yourself, which will allow you to hear others, to adequately assess the situation. There are circumstances when you need to ask for help. There are situations when you need to act contrary to the rules. Sometimes you need to do nothing, because that would be the best solution in the given situation.
For all this, you need to be able to hear yourself without interference and perceive the situation objectively. And the main thing is to trust yourself and your decisions and be responsible for them.
In all situations of a multifaceted life, the shame learned in childhood will be a big hindrance. The voice of a mom or dad, 15-20-30 years ago, saying: "It's a shame to do this!" It is impossible to adapt one solution to all situations in life, besides, it was not made by us, and for a very, very long time.
The feeling of shame penetrates deeply into our personality. At some point, usually at a psychologist's appointment, a person realizes that he does not know what he wants, is poorly aware of his true desires and needs.
First, he was not taught to be aware of himself and his feelings. And secondly, a person is ashamed to do many things, because his parents or significant relatives thought so, which means that the person also hides his “want” deeply. Deep, destructive shame requires non-judgmental acceptance and support from the other person. It is better if such a person is a qualified psychologist.
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