A BASIS FOR A STRONG RELATIONSHIP

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I continue the topic "About relationships". I described in detail what a good relationship looks like and what areas in them are worth paying attention to so that the relationship is fulfilling, not destructive. Today I will talk more about the springboard for each participant in the relationship, which, in my opinion, is needed for the relationship to be healthy.

The other day I was struck by the text of my 16-year-old client: “I suddenly realized that this whole story with the halves of each other is nonsense! Relationships should be based on two wholes! "

I was amazed and even envied, because it took me a lot of time and psychotherapy in my life to come to this understanding, and he is voicing it now, at 16! I also added: “Yes, and if you imagine the relationship as an apple, which is split in half in case of separation, then each of the participants is unrealistically hurt from the split, it turns out, ITSELF in two. It is clear that it hurts to break up in a healthy relationship, but this does not lead to the loss of yourself. "

Yes, this is a good metaphor for the Fusion defense mechanism in Gestalt therapy. And so that this does not happen, each of the partners should take care of themselves - whether he (s) is already in a relationship or is just planning one.

In general, I highlight only 1 reason for a good relationship: Personal life of each partner

This is not about having a wife-husband:) to choose partner and build healthy interdependence, and not become dependent on him and build codependency, it is good to have the following areas "closed":

1. Having your own HOBBIES, INTERESTS, HOBBIES … Provides pair independent interest in life.

2. Availability of (better favorite) WORK / METHOD OF INCOME - potentially frees from fin. dependencies.

3. Having FRIENDS. If they are not there, then 2 scenarios are likely:

A. The partner will strive to share all the experiences straight with his "soul mate". And in this case, the illusion of contact is visually preserved, but inside, as a rule, very little energy remains in the pair, because you constantly have to deal with the current problems of one or both partners. Yes, this is harmful! Well, our halves do not deserve to know everything about us straight and take out all our troubles 100% always and everywhere. We will not be able to be a dad, a mom, a psychotherapist, and a friend, and perhaps even (taking into account the load of the previous row), a sexual partner in one person. Save your partner!)

B. On the other hand, if you have no friends and you do not load a partner, then you cannot help but load yourself, from which you and your interaction with your partner will also suffer. After all, for pleasure you need freedom, and if you have a backpack of heavy experiences on your shoulders, then there is no talk of freedom.

4. Personal PSYCHOLOGICAL EDUCATION (education): it is important to understand that this is a real person, not mom / dad. He has his own life attitudes, ideas about the world. It doesn't have to meet all your and social expectations. It is impossible not to have expectations, but it is important to filter that a partner may not meet them.

It all sounds even simpler than other points, but in fact, as a rule, it is psychological trauma that dictates our attitudes to us, and not vice versa. And if you approach “from the top of the iceberg” - immediately try to change the attitudes, without trying to look deeper into the foundations on which they were created, then “you won’t,” as they say in Ukrainian.

Ideally, of course, everyone should have at least a year or two of personal therapy, it allows me to understand quite accurately what is happening in my psyche and where from, and not to impose on the partner the expectations of parental affection.

The more familiar you are with yourself, the easier it is for you to build good relationships with others. !

5. I also rank as my personal life PRESENCE OF OWN BORDERS. This is an understanding of my needs, orientation, how I can get it, what I will do if I do not receive it; a clear understanding of where I can be flexible, and what kind of “flexibility” will begin to destroy me.

The same goes for principles (in life): if they are not there, there will be strong confusion within the relationship, and it is likely that a partner without principles will adjust faster than realizing how suitable and comfortable it is for him. And then begins "I for your sake …" On the other hand, it is important to understand that the principles can be slightly adjusted, because they will definitely differ from another person at least in details - the balance of the presence of an internal structure / support and its flexibility is important.

I also want to say at this point about aspirations. There are such creative people who are waiting for inspiration in love. Sometimes it works out, but for some reason often then healthy love does not work out. In the beginning, everything is colorfully beautiful and life is filled with meaning. And then everything is colorfully awful and life (AGAIN) loses its meaning (just as it didn’t have it before, it’s important to understand). This becomes a good foundation for creativity (we know many poets, writers, playwrights, artists and others) who have made great strides in creativity based on painful love. But alas, social and creative success doesn't help you learn to build healthy relationships. And sometimes, even on the contrary, the chain of "pain-success-recognition" begins (more often unconsciously) to be perceived as the only method of achieving heights, and even the only way of life.

All this ultimately gives such a strange state as Willingness to break up!

Maybe it’s unexpected for you to read this. But it's true. If you are generally self-sufficient and relatively independent, then you can TO CHOOSE another for a relationship in freedom and also make a decision to break it if some kind of strong disconnect is revealed. This state gives a sobriety of mind and the ability to weigh. If you are ONLY crutches for each other, then sooner or later the wind will blow, and as one falls, the second will fall.

EPILOGUE

All of these foundations for a strong, satisfying relationship are the perfect plan. I have not yet met in reality a single couple (including my personal experience) who would be "ready for anything and everything!" from the very beginning of the relationship. But this is true something that you can strive for, with which you can check and understand that some complex processes in a relationship may be associated with something described in the article. And before putting an end to a person / relationship, you might think about what you can improve in your life so as not to "endure the brain" of your partner for YOUR unmet needs.

Yes, all this background can be achieved in the course of a relationship! And yes, then their quality can also improve.

And if you want to discuss your personal experience of love and relationships, then my psychotherapeutic doors are open. And also always glad to your comments and reposts, thanks!