I’m Ashamed To Show That I’m Ashamed. Amplified Shame: How To Get Back Into Life (Part 2)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I am writing this article as a continuation of the topic of shame, and I want to consider the psychological defenses that we use to avoid feeling and recognizing shame.

The fact is that toxic shame is a rather difficult and unpleasant experience, which rather weakens us rather than strengthens us. That is, it stops, makes us less confident. And being weak and insecure can be very embarrassing too!

Here's a pun. This phenomenon is called amplified shame - that is, double, doubled, or also called shame (fear) of shame.

Naturally, the experience of doubled shame is even stronger than the shame of "single", and the body tries to cope with this wild tension. So powerful psychological defenses are being formed.

Why does “double shame” appear? It's very simple. If the parents shamed the child, firstly, for something specific (stupid, wrong, weak), while when the child fell into a stupor, froze, he was told: what are you standing for? Let's work (move, move, think). And the child at the bodily level felt that he was not even supposed to be ashamed and freeze, that he was also bad for such a reaction.

In fact, if we can feel and realize, albeit toxic, but shame, that's half the trouble! This means that we can deal with it, talk about it, somehow experience it.

The situation is much more complicated for people who are not aware of their toxic shame. Those who just got into such a situation of “being ashamed of“braking”. And thus, they have no influence at all on their own experience. It is closed.

Shame is our ally when we understand and respect it. Shame becomes our enemy when we try to avoid and ignore it.

Denial of shame

One of the ways we learn to avoid the experience of shame is to deny it. Remember, as in the anecdote: “I didn’t duck, I didn’t duck!”… “It’s not me, it’s not me!”.

We are trying to convince ourselves and other people of this. “So what's the shame here? Everything is fine! We are people! " Here rationalization can also be included - "pulling" logical facts and arguments to the goal that we follow (to deny shame). "And the neighbor also gave birth at 15!" (ashamed to give birth at 15). Or "But in some countries of the world, belching is considered gratitude to the hostess for the delicious food!" (ashamed to burp at the table).

But, naturally, all this does not directly help to get rid of shame, only for a while it can redirect attention, and the feeling will arise again and again, awareness and acceptance of oneself in it will not come.

Suppressing (controlling) shame

When we suppress shame, we are trying to create for ourselves the illusion that everything is fine and we have not violated anything. "This is not." We simply ignore the situation where we felt shame, we leave it silently. You've probably met people who say, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." Or they just don't answer. They are silent and turn the conversation into another direction. Of course, the reasons for such reactions can be different, but very often they are provoked precisely by repressed shame.

There is a lot of unfreedom in this process. If we ignore something, we cannot change it, we have no control over the situation. The only way is to simply endure and leave, while losing the choice of opportunities, experiencing limitations and unhappiness. Many relationships fail to move forward because people stop themselves with repressed shame like that. And that's all, period, you can't talk about it. This is a dead place.

Self-improvement as shame avoidance

It is very smart to avoid shame by developing such qualities in yourself for which there is simply nothing to be ashamed of!

For example, if you are ashamed to smell bad - buy a bunch of deodorants, all sorts of fragrances, wash three times a day. If you are ashamed to be "stupid" - read a lot of clever books, memorize quotes from famous poets and flaunt them in society!

It is the very “right” people within themselves who are most ashamed of all and are not aware of this experience. Their whole life is spent on getting better, they invest, they work a lot for this. And, of course, they achieve success! After all, such a good motivation! And the payment for all this is the absence of relaxation, exhalation, a point of complete bliss. Such a life often forces you to take chemicals (alcohol, etc.) in order to somehow provide yourself with this relaxation, in order to dull the constant, never-ending stress. Dependent behavior is formed.

Arrogance

I singled it out in a separate category, although I could also count it as self-improvement. Arrogance is an attempt to project "obscene" actions on others, while expressing your "feh" to them. "Oh, these people, they are such pigs!" In fact, the person who says this is very ashamed of his “piggy” part of the personality, but it is a split off, not appropriated part of him, and therefore is projected onto others.

Shamelessness

There are people who behave very shockingly, provocatively, shamelessly. As if showing everyone: “Here, I can do that, so what!”. And it so happens that this behavior is a counter-shame. That is, in order to overcome internal tension, we decide to take and do something embarrassing, even more! As if we are proving something, we rebel against the framework that we certainly feel.

The trouble is that this is only protection, and apart from recognizing and living shame for real, nothing heals shame …

Therapy for Toxic Shame and Amplified Shame

This section is like a breath of fresh air after writing a text about protection!:)

After all, it is impossible to describe them without worrying.

Here I will explain how shame-themed psychotherapy works.

The psychotherapist is some kind of vertical figure who often personifies the role of the mother or father (or both) for the client. Of course, the therapist does not become a real parent to the client (although, sometimes you can hear - "why are you not my real mother?"), He only performs this function for him at a fixed time and for a certain payment.

So that's it. Shame is cured by acceptance. The shame of shame is an even greater acceptance in its "unpacking" and living.

To put it simply, a child who has become such a tense adult is sorely lacking in acceptance from his parents. What it is? First, parental containment of his actions and feelings. That is, when the parent is in no hurry to somehow evaluate and respond to the child's manifestations, but is simply present next to him. The child at this time feels that he is accepted as he is.

This experience is gradually being realized in therapy. Although, this is a very difficult job, because out of habit, clients usually spit on this acceptance, and do not trust him for a long time. It takes many attempts to live the real experience of accepting oneself to others in order to slowly begin to trust and, finally, to believe that all this is me, I heard right and was not mistaken.

That is why individual psychotherapy in this case should be medium or long-term, relaxation occurs "drip", very gradually. But on the other hand, it is firmly embedded in the experience and serves all my life! For those people who find themselves traumatized by shame, I highly recommend group therapy as well. After all, a group is a model of society, and all the ways of dealing with shame and protection from it, which work every day in ordinary life, will certainly appear there. And next to it are caring and professional leading groups who gladly support the study of the topic of shame in the life of each participant!