How To Overcome Shame? How To Get Rid Of Shame

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Fear of shame … Why are we afraid to experience this feeling and in every possible way avoid it? And what can this lead to in the end?

To some extent, this is an escape from all situations that can cause shame - fear of being humiliated, fear of receiving criticism in your direction. In this case, criticism is perceived not through a feeling of guilt (I did something wrong!), But through the humiliation of my actions (I am a bad person, because I do something bad!). This is an early and very deep mental disorder, not psychosis, not a disorder, but a deep problem on the basis of which self-esteem decreases and it is difficult to build any kind of relationship.

A person who is afraid to experience a feeling of shame is a person who avoids any publicity and relationships in general, it is difficult for her to visit crowded places, to express herself in society (“God forbid I do something wrong! I am bad, and everyone will notice it! "). A great example is the protagonist from the movie Jumanji: The Next Level. When the girl invited him to talk frankly and find out why they could not be together, the guy replied: “If you could see who I really am … After all, I am absolutely not the same as in this space! You would definitely leave me! " In response, the girl said: “Yes, I also have this difficulty. I am afraid that everyone will see me for who I am. This is why we avoid relationships. But the most important thing is that when I look at you, I feel good! The rest simply doesn't matter."

Why do such people avoid relationships? Not even because others will notice them! The thing is that they themselves are afraid to notice in themselves what will make them feel ashamed. And the feeling of shame and embarrassment is so all-consuming, compressing our body from within that we often close ourselves in, as if hiding in a shell (like turtles) - that's it, don't look at me, I'm very ashamed and uncomfortable that you noticed me!

By and large, a person's intolerance to shame is of great importance. We all tend to experience this sensation for this or that action, to feel embarrassed and embarrassed, but here it is so unbearable that we shut ourselves off from the whole world and close ourselves off (“I know for sure that I am a bad person! And everyone will see this! And I am for I will once again emphasize this unpleasant fact”).

A separate type of fear of shame is the fear of authorities (fear of people who occupy an upright position - this may be an older person, on whom you have become dependent). In this situation, spontaneous self-expression, unexpected actions are also blocked (in other words, you are not able to live your life without thinking about anything - “I want to play, have fun and generally say what I want!”). Because of the authority in front of you, you immediately diminish, becoming small.

What are the causes of fear of shame? If it is associated with the fear of authorities, the leading role in the formation of this feeling was played by parental figures (mom, dad, or all those who raised the child), who always tried to suppress the child's energy of excitement (“Don't jump on the couch! Sit quietly!”, “Don't behave like that, you better shut up! "," You broke a mug, how bad you are! ", etc.).

The ego is formed at an early age (from one to three years), at the same time shame is formed. In general, as a social feeling, shame is quite acceptable and has a positive character - this is how you can rethink your behavior (“Did I really behave badly? What was wrong?”). If a person spoke in front of an audience, received negative feedback, it is imperative to rethink their actions when they return home ("What was wrong in my speech? How can I improve it?"). However, often the feeling of shame completely unsettles us, falling like a tsunami, and deafened, we are unable to do anything. Why? Getting into your childhood experiences (you just started walking and exploring the world around you, ruined your mother's lipstick, painted the wallpaper, etc.), when mom, dad, grandfather or grandfather stood above us with their hands on our sides: "What have you done ?!", a person perceives the situation as a whole as if no one loves him ("I am bad and no one needs me!"). In reality, the desire to pick up something, turn it over, touch, etc. - this is Idov's energy, so violent and unstoppable that there is no need to explain it (I want to!). A contradiction arises - I want to, but this is not approved by anyone, even condemned, which means that I am bad! As a result, in adulthood, a person closes any excitement with shame: “No, I can't want something! You cannot manifest as I want. You can not perform spontaneous actions … ". Typically, if the judgment was high enough, you will not be able to allow yourself to manifest in anything.

Another reason is that a close relative raising a child (mother, grandmother, dad or grandfather is the one who was in strong emotional contact with the child) was himself a rather bashful person (in the foreground was always the question - what will the neighbors think?). Accordingly, the child will absorb the shame of the parent, like a sponge, and in the future will reproduce him as a shameful person, fearing the manifestation of this feeling and each time sinking into the ground, because this is unbearable!

What to do with all this?

1. "Shame" yourself a little - allow yourself to get into awkward situations when you let others know that you are not ideal. At the same time, be sure to find an excuse for yourself every time, analyze the general situation and think over actions for the future.

Why is it difficult for some people to use this technique? When you find yourself in a shameful situation, you hide from everyone (that's it, I'm in the house!). This is a kind of child protection - "I don't see, which means it doesn't!" (pure negation). And you will not look at the real reaction of others to your act.

I want to give an example from personal therapy, when I was going for certification and was afraid of the upcoming event. She decided to talk about all her fears with her therapist, in response she stood on a chair, put her hands on her hips and said: “Come on! What will you do?". I got scared and sank into a chair. To the therapist's question what, in my opinion, she feels towards me, I replied: “You think me stupid and condemn me!”. However, in reality, she took the whole situation good-naturedly and smiled. It turns out that "hands on hips" were associated with an evil woman by default! This is why the feedback you need to get when you feel uncomfortable or ashamed of something is so important.

2. Group psychotherapy - you will be able to see that not only you are ashamed of some nonsense, other people are also worried! At first, I always asked my acquaintances, girlfriends or even colleagues if my statements were so terrible, and after receiving feedback, I calmed down.

See the real situation in the eye! Don't be afraid of others' responses. Even if you are told that you have "gone too far", this will be a lesson for the future, you will be able to evaluate your behavior from the outside and the next time you will do differently.

Be sure to work on your fear, fall into shame, but come back. It's okay to get into the funnel of shame, the main thing is to analyze the reactions of real people, because no one stops loving us because we are crap!