Inside The Shame. How To Get Rid Of Shame

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Shame in all its manifestations occupies a very important place in our psyche and social life. Shame guards the inner space of our personality and suggests what can be brought up for general discussion, and what is better to keep with us. Its protective function is manifested in the phrases - "This is my business", "I prefer to go aside", "I want to keep my opinion with me", etc. Shame allows us to experience our own identity and personality boundaries. On the one hand, excessive shame can lead to isolation and disruption of social adaptation, but on the other hand, it is shame that serves as a mechanism that allows a person to adapt in society.

Thus, shame serves two contradictory and vital functions for personal development and improving the quality of life - individuation and conformism

Internal conflict arises when both functions of shame: "Keeper" the existing inner space of the personality (helps to remain oneself) and "Manager's crisis" (responsible for social adaptation and training flexibility) experienced as contradictory.

First function experienced when there is a threat of violation of the personal value system and is associated with "Ego-ideal", "I-concept". The second manifests itself in the form of an emotional reaction to violation of social norms … Aristotle called these functions of violation of "true truth" and "general opinion".

So the conflict is formed within the shame itself. For example, a person may be ashamed to express his opinion in a group (after all, he was taught not to stick his head out), but when he comes home, he suffers from the realization of his “cowardice”, considering himself insecure and weak.

Shame helps regulate relationships. Located on the border of the personality separating me from the other, it signals when my boundaries are violated

For example, we become uncomfortable at some point in communication. We may feel irritated, wanting to stop communicating and leave. Perhaps our interlocutor came too close, or asked a question that was too personal for us.

Having given in to the first impulse, to leave, to be rude, we do not use opportunitywhich we provides shame - to understand: what is it about for me?

What's going on now? What requirements for myself am I unable to fulfill? What do I don’t want to look like? Weak, vulnerable, not rich enough?

Shame can be used for self-discovery and development

Ask yourself the question: who in your environment would require you to be like that? And at what age did the idea appear that I must (must) be strong (noah), handsome (howl), tolerant (mine) of rudeness, not be greedy and give more than I would like.. And do I need it belief at the moment, is it relevant in this particular situation?

Fixing attention to a character trait or appearance that was the subject of shame, we, first of all, check it for adequacy. And then we either accept our behavior in accordance with the shame that has arisen or adjust our self-image.

For example, why am I, an adult, showing the shame of a 5-year-old boy who was yelled at by the teacher and start blushing and apologizing for something that I am not guilty of, instead of going into a constructive conflict and defending my position in the dispute?

(In this example, we may be dealing with emotional childhood trauma. And here, in my opinion, self-confidence training will not help until the trauma is worked out in therapy. You can, of course, forcibly change your habitual patterns of behavior and conduct This will not give personal development, the internal conflict will not be resolved, and sooner or later a person will return to his usual patterns of behavior, because too much strength and energy will go to alien reactions. And most likely, a person will begin to avoid such situations, explaining the refusal for various reasons, and sometimes simply forgetting about an unpleasant meeting. I am not belittling the possibilities of such trainings. But, first, in my opinion, you need to understand the reason, return to a time when the development of self-esteem was blocked. Change this belief about yourself and then work on developing the desired character traits).

So, if I am ashamed, it means that now I do not manifest myself as I should, in accordance with my idea of myself. And here we reconsider the adequacy of our idea of ourselves in accordance with age, situation, our capabilities

Shame is impersonal. If we cannot separate shame from ourselves, but perceive it as something integral, then this destructive force can destroy our whole life. If we don't take control of the feeling of shame, it takes control of our thinking, actions, choices. This internal controller is worse than any external critic. There is no escape from him. It is impossible to deceive oneself. This can be done, unconsciously, using immature psychological defenses (forgetting, denying, avoiding, etc.), which can be destructive to the integrity of the personality and lead to psychopathologies.

Shame "programs" us to behave in accordance with the culture and the requirements of society, punishing for deviations from them

And from the moment when the personality has already taken shape, individuality has manifested itself, shame is an inadequate companion and advisor. A formed adult personality cannot make decisions on the basis of: “if not ashamed, then you can” or “if you are ashamed, then you can’t.” It would be too primitive and limited. Actions should be regulated by reason, the prevailing system of values, awareness of the good.

I remembered a fragment from the film "The Fate of a Man". Namely, the situation when the Nazis closed Soviet prisoners of war indoors. The room was not small, but there were too many people and it was rather crowded. And so, one of the soldiers wanted out of need. He started knocking on the door so that the Germans would let him go to the toilet. The armed men opened the door and made it clear that they would not let him out, and threatening him with weapons, they slammed the door. The man began to rush among the other prisoners. People offered to cover it up so that it would empty. But, when the man could no longer endure, he rushed to the door with shouts, and was immediately shot.

Most often, a person experiences shame in the areas of control of the anal and urethral zones. One of the reasons a child is proud is when he is called an adult. A significant developmental event is the mastery of the sphincter muscles. Losing this control, especially in front of peers, can cause unbearable humiliation. After all, this means regression to the level of an infant. And the child turns into an "asshole", "pissy".

Was this decision to die but not experience shame adequate and mature, in accordance with reality? I think no.

* “Among all emotions, shame is the most hidden psychic formation. This psychic reality has its own structure and is able to react independently. Like any other functional system, the emotion of shame is almost inaccessible to speculation. It hides behind other emotions, stimulates them and is not responsible for the consequences."

For example, a father, having attended a parent meeting, where the teacher, in front of everyone, portrayed his son as a mediocre poor student, for whom "the prison is crying", comes home and, without understanding, beats his son. How to understand this? This act of anger is motivated by the father "for the good" so that the son will improve and become better. In fact, we have an example of a father's shame attack when the teacher behaves incorrectly.

The most significant traumatic events most often happen to us in childhood. Pain and bitterness remain for life, further causing anxiety in front of such situations.

Anxiety leads to tension, the focus of attention from the very event is transferred to a state of awkwardness, stiffness, confusion. These states are intensified and can "cover" the head. In this case, a person falls into a stupor in front of an audience, in an intimate life there may be a weakening of sexual desire.

In situations where there may be objective reasons for the manifestation of shame, different people experience it in different ways. In some, shame is evident, in others it may be hidden behind anger.

In order to cope with the shame that prevents you from enjoying life, you need to become aware of the whole chain of emotions that cover the emotion of shame

Feelings of guilt often serve as a defense against the more damaging feelings of shame..

For example, when someone is thrown (at) his (him) beloved (my), it will be easier for him (her) to experience a feeling of guilt, collecting his mistakes in a relationship, than to experience the shame of rejection, to admit himself unworthy of (no) love. The pain is relieved by looking for some deep reason that led to the breakup. It is less painful to experience the feeling of guilt, admitting that I am inattentive (noah), indifferent (noah) than feeling that I am not worthy (for) love.

When I take the blame on myself, it gives the illusion that I can fix something, change something

For example, next time, I promise myself to be even more attentive (noah) to my partner, to show more emotions. As if I will deserve love.

Some people confess to being ashamed to avoid punishment

The "sinner" demonstrates repentance, gets bogged down in a quagmire of remorse, causing the "accuser" to feel guilty. Thus, it deprives the accuser of the opportunity to accuse and punish.

A person experiences pain from shame when his actions and reactions do not correspond to his “I-concept” and feels a sense of pride and satisfaction when he sees himself in accordance with his idea of himself

It’s like an architect who conceived the image of a house, and when it was built, he saw something that he didn’t imagine (or that).

How is the “I-concept”, “Ego-ideal” formed?

When a person is ashamed, in his head (sorry for being rude and straightforward) someone, with his reproach, says that in fact he is better than he is at the moment.

Shame is often used by parents to control their child's sexual behavior

Excessive socialization of sexual behavior can lead to frigidity in women and suppress libido in men. For example, some parental attitudes: sex is a dirty and shameful business, genitals are “shameful places,” and so on.

For example, a mother, raising a girl, prohibits her from engaging in sexual relations before marriage: “only men need sex,” “sex humiliates a woman,” “a man uses a woman and quits as soon as she agrees to have sex.” Growing up, experiencing a natural sexual attraction to the guy she likes, the girl will be ashamed if she violates the mother's order to remain a virgin until the wedding, she will consider herself guilty to her mother. Later, after getting married, a woman may be ashamed of the pleasure of sex, starting to unconsciously avoid it, which is likely to lead to a breakdown in relations with her husband, frigidity and other problems. By redefining the relevance of prohibitions, by understanding the reason for avoidance, you can significantly reduce the feeling of shame. But, first of all, you need to recognize him, "get to the bottom" of him.

Sometimes a child's shame is viewed by parents as a weakness of character. Ridicule, punishment for the manifestation of shame leads to a violation of the child's communication with peers. Likewise, punishment for shame promotes the development of schizoid character traits in a child.

The feeling of shame is unconsciously associated with the feeling of badness, which threatens the loss of the love of a significant person

So, the opinion of the Other about me participates in the formation of my "I-concept". Any event that requires my reaction and my action is a test for compliance with the “I-concept”. If I do not correspond, I feel ashamed, which threatens (in my fantasies) the loss of a good relationship, rejection. If this Other is significant to me, then, in addition to shame, I also feel guilt, because I do not meet his expectations. If not so important, then besides shame, I experience a social fear of exile, rejection by society. Society, the system skillfully uses this fear to control the behavior of an individual. After all, it is much easier to foresee a person's behavior if you “build” into his “I-concept” the idea that you need to be decent, modest, not to be selfish, to sacrifice your interests for the sake of …, you cannot deceive, steal, etc. The more bashful a person is, the more predictable his reactions and actions.

A rational, adult attitude towards shame can be seen as a way of self-discovery. Shame brings me back to my "I-concept", to my idea of myself. This makes it possible to get to know the unconscious part of my personality

Shame is attributive and existential. Attributive shame suggests that a person does not fit into the average image of a man or woman, status, social role (height, weight, body proportions, hair density, income level, family presence, etc.). A person tries to hide these "vices": tall girls stoop, try to lose weight, undergo plastic surgery (often not for medical reasons), sacrificing their health. The same applies to men (worries about the size of the penis, the duration of intercourse, "being too small", etc.).

Existential shame is rooted in the perinatal and infantile period. It is characterized by the loss of basic trust and love of significant people (the mother or the person who was caring for the child). A child deprived of emotional contacts feels rejected, unnecessary. Later, a feeling of inferiority is formed, he feels like a burden for his parents and the inability to change his attitude towards himself.

Regardless of whether he is "good" or "bad", he is not abandoned by the feeling of global inconsistency with what he should be in order to be loved

The persistent feeling of one's “badness” turns a person's life into hell and forms a character with depressive dynamics, which is characterized by self-accusation, self-flagellation and insatiable emotional hunger.

One of the factors that form self-esteem is the feeling that you are loved, regardless of your attributes (size and shape of your nose, ears, type of temperament). You are loved simply because you are, you are near. With existential shame, guilt and shame for one's very existence is formed.

So, summing up

Failure to follow the other person's expectations results in guilt.

Inside the shame one can see the unwillingness to accept oneself as “bad”, the torn apart of the personality into “bad” and “good”. The unconscious desire of the individual to reunite, to recreate integrity can manifest itself in love for "bad boys" (if a girl considers herself an excellent student, an athlete, an activist), also in relation to too good boys who find themselves dissolute, "mean" girls, try to save them, fix them … The imperfect part that is not accepted in itself is "brought out" to an external object for the purpose of control and change.

Intolerance to oneself is a veiled cruelty leading to self-destruction (alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholism, etc.) and the impossibility of building close, effective relationships. To free yourself from feelings of inferiority, guilt and shame, you need to go in the direction of a caring, loving attitude towards yourself.

How to get rid of the feeling of shame?

- Explore your "I-concept". Keep a "diary of thoughts", which allows you to identify pathogenic beliefs about yourself, check them for adequacy "here and now." How to keep a "mind diary" is described in the article "Testing and changing deep beliefs".

- Use shame as a marker for realizing your unconscious, repressed, “bad” part of your personality. Work on accepting your Shadow.

- Remove the projection of your "bad" part from external objects and see in them living people with their joys and weaknesses.

- Work through mental, emotional trauma, if any.

Of course, it is more effective to do such work in the process of psychotherapy, but you can do a lot yourself.

Bibliography:

Mario Jacobi "Shame and the Origins of Self-Esteem".

Izard K. E. "Psychology of emotions"

Orlov Yu. M. “Shame. Envy"

Illustration - Sergey Kolesnikov "Shackles".