Shame: The Inside Out And Cover Of The Killer

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article on human shame, I propose to focus on the external manifestations of shame, but first I will offer my own hypothesis about the relationship between anger and shame

The physiological foundations of shame are similar to two other feelings: anger and fear. So during anger, energy is released, but this energy does not find an outlet, but fetters the body, and this is characteristic of fear. But if with fear the fading of processes in the body occurs immediately, then with shame, on the contrary, the body has to hold back more energy than it previously had.

Let me remind you that functionally shame is defensive. It is protection from violence and rejection. Researchers confirm the early origins of shame in personality development (see link at the end of the article). It is when the child first encounters a threat to his integrity or the threat of abandonment or rejection.

Taken together, these threats will shape other responses. In particular, anger and fear of abandonment. But if they exist together, and this is what often happens, then we have to deal with two rather strong influences from a stronger and more significant figure, each of which will cause its own reaction. Anger is the natural response to violence and boundary violation. And in the case of throwing - fear. If we add humiliation or belittling to this, then the components of this "cocktail" should cause a reaction that suppresses anger and redirects it from the outside to the inside.

A frequent case when a parent shouts or hits a child, but in case of resistance on his part, he also shows violence in the form of humiliation. "How dare you? Who are you? You have no right! You are nothing."

This is the birthplace of shame. The anger that has arisen does not find a way out to protect the boundaries, but it cannot disappear. This means that the energy of anger will be directed inward. Splitting occurs within the personality into an aggressive introject, which will blame and shame, and into a flawed victim, who will feel his insignificance. So a mechanism has formed inside the child that will protect him from external threats in a simple way, which can be expressed by the proverb "beat your own so that others are afraid." When we hit ourselves, we can control the force of the blow, which is much safer. Provided that we, having this system of shame inside, do not consider the option of the absence of a threat, that is, we are waiting for it, then we turn on shame at the slightest threat.

This is how healthy anger turns into shame when fear is added …

How do you recognize it? I'm going to work on Miss Lightman (TV series "Lie to Me").

To do this, let me remind you (see the link to the video at the end of the article) that shame is characterized by the highest rate of manifestation and incredible strength of pain. Controlling shame is nearly impossible. Maybe that's why it is easy to see. But we do not always understand that this is a shame.

We are all familiar with the main reaction of shame - it is the redness of the cheeks. We remember that the body throws out energy … It is based on biochemical processes as a result of which it is formed. This energy is focused in anger in the limbs, and in shame only in the head. The limbs, on the contrary, freeze as with fear.

Shameless people don't blush. But that doesn't mean they don't feel ashamed. They have him very depressed and may not be visible.

This happens, for example, with fat people. Their suppressed anger in shame has shifted into an area of self-harm that experts call eating behavior.

Therefore, do not believe the common mistake that fat people are very kind. It is impossible to be kind to others while being very unkind to yourself. And shame doesn't live with kindness and empathy. And superficial gaiety, more often irony, is by no means a sign of kindness. A manifestation of a defense mechanism. But we must pay tribute to overweight people in that they are able to restrain impulses of anger towards others quite well. True, it costs them their own health. Since they direct all the anger on themselves.

But very thin people, suffering from a high level of inner shame, often, on the contrary, do not spare the feelings of others. In this way, they protect themselves from the destruction caused by shame in the form of self-destruction by overeating.

Let me remind you that shame is one of the main components in the formation of narcissistic personality disorder. And narcissism can be overt and covert.

For example, have you noticed how someone becomes covered with red spots when talking.

You may conclude that this is an extremely humble person. But what does modesty have to do with it? Let me remind you of the official definition of modesty given in the National Association for Counseling Psychology Code of Ethics. "Modesty is an adequate recognition of the strengths and weaknesses of an individual."

Therefore, these spots are a sign that the inner critic is shaming the inner child for any imperfection. I also want to remind you that when it comes to shame, it is precisely the requirement of perfection that is meant. It's easy to check. Try talking to your inner critic and asking specific questions about his grievance against you. You will be very surprised that he has no arguments. Only emotions, aggression and rage. Its purpose is not to make you better, but to humiliate and hurt you. Why, this is a question for a separate article. But don't figure it out. Shame must be stopped. As fast and as tough as an ax raised overhead. There is no time for explanations and excuses. Moreover, the sentenced person is not guilty.

Other non-verbal signals of shame

Averted gaze

Shifting eyes

Pursed lips

Expression of mild irony or condescension

Contempt

View from above

Downcast gaze

Abrupt switching of the topic of conversation

Escape (disappearance) from contact, often difficult to explain logically

Abrupt changes in motives, decisions, desires

Assault without reason

Resentment

I understand that the above is a bit like "okroshka", but Dr. Laitman's method does not work in real life. To read feelings, you need to develop emotional intelligence, not observation and logic. Therefore, my recommendation for those who want to recognize shame, first of all, get to know it better in themselves. And then to look closely and "sniff" at those manifested reactions of a person, which have a couple of signs of shame that distinguish him from other feelings: a very high speed and sharpness of the vector change, as well as superficial vagueness. Due to the high speed, it is difficult to trace the logic of the process. But if you know about the existence of an inner shaming Parent and look for him, then you will answer many questions about the behavior or decisions of another person, which were difficult for you to explain before.

The main effect of shame is to suppress pleasure

And therefore, it is shame, or rather the fear of experiencing it, that is the most common reason for unfulfilled achievements. It was he who did not give many people something to create, accomplish, achieve or overcome. After all, growth and achievement bring pleasure …

Shame is the father of unfulfilled dreams and unfulfilled destinies

And for this you should not stand on ceremony with him. And remember, shame doesn't help.

Its quantity should not exceed the "fig leaf".

Literature: PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PSYCHOPHYSIOLOGICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF EXPERIENCE OF SHAME: THE ROLE OF ADVERSE CHILDREN'S EXPERIENCE