Civilized Confrontation. What If The Partner Uses Aggression?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57

A very common question during consultations - a what to doif the partner does something such that dislikes or even harms.

If the partner humiliates, manipulates, coerces into actions, or shows physical aggression - what to do in this case?

Here it is worth considering the problem in two dimensions:

1. Why are you in this situation?

Why are you allowing your partner to do this and generally allowed at some point? Often the reason is in a dependent relationship with a partner - economic, psychological, emotional. It is possible and necessary to work with this, because there is no guarantee that even if you end your relationship with this partner, the next one will not be from the “same party” or even worse.

2. What to do specifically in this situation of suppression, manipulation, aggression in order to stop undesirable actions against you?

In this article, we will only consider the second plane, namely, what to do.

In order to stop unwanted actions against you from the partner, the confrontation technique is used.

I note right away that in the case of physical aggression, I do not recommend using it immediately during the very act of physical aggression, because your partner is physically stronger than you and can be strongly "swayed". If you start giving him an ultimatum at this moment, then he may perceive it as a retaliatory aggression and there is a danger of "running into" an even greater outbreak of aggression.

It is not easy to give an unequivocal answer here - how to behave the victim at the moment of physical aggression. In some situations, it is necessary to give an immediate rebuff, then you need to act confidently and feel your strength and righteousness.

Let's take a closer look at the question - when is it better to use:

The victim-aggressor relationship cycle

You need to understand and consider the victim-aggressor relationship cycle.

In the first phase, the voltage in the pair gradually increases. Then there is a discharge in the form of a conflict. This can be verbal skirmish or physical aggression.

After the incident, the aggressor usually has remorse for hurting your partner. There may be no remorse if the partner has a clear psychopathology (see "dark triad").

The aggressor begins to promise his partner that this will never happen again.that he feels guilty and asks for forgiveness. All this is done in an explicit or implicit form, with the help of open communication messages or disguised.

Further the victim accepts the promises of the aggressor under pressure from him and the pressure of circumstances.

The couple reconciles for a while

Then in a relationship again on the sly tension begins to build up. AND a new cycle begins relationship "victim - aggressor".

The most effective can be the use of confrontation techniques in the phase when the aggressor feels guilty about what was done. In this case, there is less risk of running into a new outbreak of aggression and more likely to be heard.

Technique of confrontation in relationships

Confrontation is a really powerful and effective technique that helps stop unwanted behavior towards the victim.

Before entering a confrontation - analyze the situation:

Making a decision to enter into confrontation according to A. Beck:

1. Try to be as realistic as possible about the situation you are in.
2. Determine whether or not it is now possible to achieve the desired effect with the help of the used model of behavior and the actions taken, namely, changes in the behavior of the aggressor?
3. Answer the question - what do you want from a partner in the situation in question, and what obstacles prevent you from achieving this.
4. Now analyze the different results of the actions. What are the best and worst possible consequences?
5. If you find that all the actions you take are not working, you may need to resort to confrontation techniques.

Very important! If you decide to use confrontation, then you need to go all the way. The technique works only if you consistently go through all its stages.

In other words, if you put an ultimatum in the form of your response, then in the absence of such an action, there is a danger of being in an even more disadvantageous position. The aggressor will see that he goes unpunished here too.

Confrontation Algorithm

The first phase of the confrontation … “I am a message,” in which you talk about the feelings that a given behavior of an aggressor or manipulator evokes.

I will give the following example for illustration:

During a family scandal, the husband begins to insult his wife.

The spouse may respond: “When you use offensive words against me, I feel anxious, I don’t like being treated like that, and I don’t want to continue to communicate in this manner now.”

If the partner heard the I-message and apologized that the confrontation is over and there is no need to proceed to the next steps.

But if the partner continues his attempts to offend, then it is necessary to move on to the second phase.

Second phase of confrontation … Strengthening the "I-message".

How can you strengthen the “I-message” in this example?

The girl may say: “When I say that I feel anxiety and that I don’t like it, but they don’t hear me, then I feel sad. It makes me feel bad, do you understand?"

If the manipulator hears the strengthening of the "I-message" and stops his attempts, then we stop the technique of confrontation. If not, you need to move on to the third phase.

The third phase of the confrontation … Expression of wishes or requests.

"I ask you to stop insulting me and not touch me at all."

If the request is not fulfilled, it is necessary to proceed to the fourth phase.

Fourth phase of confrontation … Appointment of sanctions.

“If you continue to insult me, then I will end the relationship with you for a month” (options - for a year / forever, depending on the situation).

A sanction is a threat. In response, the manipulator can begin to set its own requirements. At this point, you can go to negotiations and discuss his requirements.

But if the other side did not react and continues, then it is necessary to proceed to the fifth phase.

Fifth phase of confrontation … Implementation of sanctions.

In this phase, you carry out your threat. If you promised to leave for a month with your mother, leave. They promised to stop ironing shirts - stop. Again, it depends on the severity of the behavior of the aggressor (manipulator).

And if the confrontation did not work, then a decision is made to break off relations. Unless you prefer to remain in a victim situation and constantly be under the threat of violence. If you prefer, it may make sense to deal with the reasons for this.

In addition:

It often sounds like this: “Maybe I can do something with my partner. So he's nothing. Am I not good enough? How can I change it?"

You cannot change it! Directly in any way. You cannot take a person and "reflash" that program. Moreover, this is violence, even if you really want to. Only if you start to defend your boundaries, do not be afraid of the final breakdown of relationships that destroy you physically and emotionally. Believe in the ability to rebuild your adequate self-esteem and build harmonious relationships on healthy principles. When an aggressor (manipulator) stumbles upon the undesirable consequences of his actions, only in this case something can start to change in his head. And even that is not a fact.

It is also important to remember to protect yourself and your loved ones who cannot stand up for themselves. Do not be afraid to resort to the help of organizations and individuals who can provide protection. And do not be afraid to publicize the actions of the aggressor (manipulator).

Respect your boundaries and value yourself