End Of A Relationship? Is It Time To Part? Relationship Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why does a situation arise when the relationship "holds" you, although you perfectly understand that this is the end?

The most obvious and understandable reason for all reasonable people is children. When children are small, it is always a pity to leave them and deprive them of their father or mother. In general, the situation of family breakup is especially traumatic for people who did not have a mother or father, respectively, they remain in the most destructive relationships (if only the children were good!).

What to do in this case? First, deal with the trauma of the father / mother, and then make decisions about the children. If there is a very destructive relationship between parents (constant scandals and swearing), it is better for children not to see this, so you should not try to save the family in such a situation. There may be a different situation - mom and dad live their whole lives without love, tenderness and any kind of emotional contact, and if they swear, then all this happens quietly. In fact, people exist next to each other. As a rule, in such a family in adulthood, children copy the behavior of their parents, acting out a scenario they saw earlier - they find a couple and simply “live” with a person without love and tenderness. At the same time, they suffer a lot, but do not understand how to get out. It is possible to find a way out, but it requires significant time and effort - at least a year of therapy to understand all the nuances of childhood trauma.

So, if you maintain a destructive relationship for the sake of children, this is all a lie and a provocation! All this is done solely for their own purposes, for their own sake!

Fear of ending a relationship. Perhaps you have never lived on your own, and have not separated from your parental figure.

If you did not have a merger with the parental figure (in the normal sense), in this case, separation is impossible, respectively, like separation from a husband / wife - in the human psyche there is no ability to move away from a person, live independently and develop his life in loneliness. In general, many are quite scared to live independently (relatively speaking - to go out into the big world alone / alone), plan their lives, achieve goals, etc. without outside help.

You have no confidence in your feelings. On a subconscious level, you understand that something is wrong, guess, feel, but do not listen to the sensations.

A good example from practice is the story of one of the clients, who all the time thought that her husband was cheating on her.

- It seems to me that my partner is cheating on me!

- Okay, next?

- Of course, I did not catch him cheating, he denies everything, but I have not received flowers as a gift for so long, have not heard pleasant words. Anyway, our relationship is completely different from what it was before.

- And before you had everything - flowers and emotional contact?

- Previously, yes. We spent more time together, he treated me tenderly and caringly. Now there is no such thing!

- Good. So why are you still in a relationship then?

- How why?! I didn't catch my partner cheating!

In this situation, cognitive dissonance is clearly felt. Why do you need to catch a person cheating if you are no longer satisfied with the attitude towards yourself? And here it doesn't matter whether the partner is cheating or not. He simply stopped treating you as before, stopped loving (in fact, your love for him has evaporated - how can you love an indifferent person?).

Accordingly, a person is looking for a reason (quite a compelling one - treason!) To leave the relationship, but why is this necessary? It is much easier to just leave your partner, and not express everything that is boiling over (“Listen, I made the final decision. I don’t know what and how you are, but there is no warmth and care in our relationship …”). The reason for this behavior is some codependency based on feelings of guilt. I myself will not be able to take responsibility, so I need to blame you, the only way I can get away from you. As a rule, such people very often provoke a partner to cheat. It is quite difficult to resist such a thing - the partner exerts an influence so strongly with his mistrust, bad attitude, indifference and constant attacks ("What have you got there?"). Sometimes, in this case, you want to answer: “Here you are! You were waiting, catch it!"

So why do you stay in a relationship that has long since become obsolete? You don't want to take responsibility, you don't want to be older than your partner. It is important to understand here - if you consider your partner an infantile person with a split psyche (which is why he is cheating), who is afraid to take responsibility for something, these are your projections. All this can be said directly about you. No one wants to hear such words, it is easier to establish themselves in their own suspicion (a partner is an idiot, a bad person, an infantile, etc.), and you are white and fluffy. However, if you remain in a relationship with this person, come to terms with the fact that you are the same (you may have it in a slightly different degree, but you still have it).

Any relationship has a specific purpose - for both partners and each separately. Quite often there is a situation when the relationship has completed the assigned tasks and has become obsolete. The spouses talk about how they loved each other, everything was fine with them until they bought a car, a house, an apartment, brought up and put their children on their feet. And suddenly the husband and wife understand that the relationship has reached the goal, the joint project is over, and you can move on to the next relationship and other goals. Society has long abandoned the idea that you can live with one partner all your life from and to, such couples are now a rarity. Sometimes there are partners who have lived together for 15-20 years, have lived to be 80 years old, but they constantly swear, are dissatisfied with something, etc. That is why, if people have lived their whole lives together, this does not mean at all that their life was cloudless and happy. At present, a tendency of consistent monogamy is observed in the world - a person lives with one partner for several years, then with another, a third, etc.

In addition, each of the partners has personal goals in the relationship, and before putting an end to it, you need to figure out what kind of goal you had, what stage in the development of the psyche you pursued while being next to this person. A relationship is always a growth of the soul, and if you have already felt its influence, this is a clear sign that the relationship has become obsolete. However, to make a final decision, do not rely only on this statement, listen to yourself, look inside your consciousness - what did this person give you?

A common situation is that a woman enters into a relationship with a partner, as with a father (she needs a man as a father - to console, help, take most of the responsibility for herself, etc.). Over time, she “grows up”, and she no longer needs her father! At the same time, the partner continues to play the role of dad, his task has not yet been closed (there may be a different situation - the task is completed, but the person is afraid to take a different position). Accordingly, an internal dissonance arises in a couple, people have already outlived themselves.

If you feel that the relationship is over, but you cannot say goodbye to your partner, figure out what exactly is holding you, why you got into a state of codependency, feel guilt, and you are burdened by the fear of taking responsibility. Children are not the answer to such a question! The main thing for children is to see their parents happy. It is important how you explain everything to them, how you present this important information. Be sure to communicate, because regardless of the fact that mom and dad separated as a couple, they loved each other before and continue to love their child. It is important for any person at any age to understand that he is the fruit of the love of his parents, and that what is happening now is life. And you don't need to hide your child for all 18 years under a thick shell! He must see life as it is, otherwise - when he goes out into the big world, a person will constantly fill sore bumps. Let it hurt better first, and then a little bit. Life is life, it is a cruel reality, "the naked truth."

Another good reason to end a relationship that has become obsolete is that you and your man deserve to be loved and loved. But even in this case, before making a final decision, figure out what function the relationship performed for you personally, what kind of person you entered into it, what needs you satisfied, and what requires additional study. At this stage, you need to understand that you are in a relationship not because of codependency and fear of leaving them - there is something much more important. If there is nothing like this, you should not torture yourself and your soul mate, try to "glue something". Being alone together is the most painful thing in the world!