Is Your Partner Often Offended? Touchiness. Relationship Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The partner often takes offense at you (it doesn't matter who it is - a man or a woman - the psyche has no gender in its sense). In what situations can this happen? If you express your opinion, talk about feelings or experiences.

The partner's response is: “You hurt me, you hurt me! You always criticize me and condemn me for every action! ". As a result, he withdraws into himself, harboring resentment in his soul. In fact, this is not rejection, but a minor unpleasant situation, "inflated" by one of the partners, which cannot deeply hurt. In fact, it is a way to break contact with a person, as well as a defensive reaction. It is worth remembering here that offense is a childish way to manipulate parents (“I am offended, buy me a kinder, a toy … and in general - entertain me!”).

If you look from the perspective of an adult, no one is obliged to entertain you, offended - deal with your offense. So, resentment is anger directed inward. One of the partners caught something inside the other, touched a painful wound, and that is why he responds in such a passive-aggressive way. How to act in such a situation? First of all, take a look at yourself from the outside, listen to your words, think, maybe you really do something undesirable for your partner, broadcast condemnation or criticism in his direction (this often happens). Perhaps a person close to you really has a wound in the soul or psyche, but if you are taking care of yourself, work out exclusively your bugs that affect the relationship. As a rule, people meet for a reason, so there is definitely something inside you.

How can we broadcast? It is better to answer this question with an example from personal practice. A client recently told a session that she and her husband decided to discuss the topic of mindfulness. The spouse said that he had once tried a narcotic substance and, according to him, it was awareness - you feel and experience everything to the smallest detail, you perceive the situation from a completely different side. The woman's opinion was radically different - such a state can be "caught" using higher-level techniques, for example, psychotherapy, which gives a high degree of awareness. The client has been in therapy for a long time, has mastered various techniques and has a comprehensive approach to solving this issue. Accordingly, she is trying, relatively speaking, to impose the judgment on her husband: “Oh! This is such a thrill, I now probably understand the essence of this venture! ". In response, she receives aggression (“You are now judging and shaming me!”), And although she denies that she tried to shame her husband, during the psychotherapy session she admits that she feels some condemnation towards people who use drugs. So, the partner heard and felt the truth - it doesn't matter that these words were not voiced out loud, they were broadcast. Look deep into your mind, perhaps you really condemn your partner's behavior or criticize him for some action. In this case, he simply reads everything that is in the depths of your unconscious, even if you cannot fully understand it. Having dealt with yourself, you will already be speaking these words in a different tone.

There is another interesting technique. When you voice your thoughts out loud about a heated discussion, your life together, etc. (“I condemn this way of awareness a little, I have come across such personalities. I do not condemn you - this situation happened a long time ago, now everything is normal, you are completely different you relate to all this, and in general you have a different life ), you practically do not have double messages to your partner, and he has an oppressive feeling of making claims. This is a rather important point, so you should definitely learn to understand yourself in the current situation, understand what is in the depths of your consciousness, and master the technique of expressing your thoughts.

Another interesting case is insults in the form of “You can't hear me!”, “You criticize and condemn me!”. How often does your partner respond? He can't hear me! After all, I did not mean anything like that, etc. I will cite as an example one more situation from therapy. During the session, one of the clients said: “He doesn't hear me at all! He says that I don’t hear it, but it’s not so!”. To my question "So you hear your partner?", The woman was embarrassed and answered: "In what sense?" As it turned out, the client could not even figure out what meaning the partner put into his words when he said that he was not heard. In fact, people don't really hear each other.

The famous Argentine psychotherapist Jorge Bucay has an interesting book "I want to tell you about …", in which he interprets his unusual view of psychology, telling the reader all kinds of fables, tales and parables. One of these parables accurately describes the situation when the spouses "do not hear each other."

A married couple visits a psychotherapist.

The husband calls the therapist and says: “Doctor, she's so tired of me - she never hears, no matter how much you say! Let's have a session earlier."

The psychotherapist tries to convince the client that he cannot accept the couple at another time, and wants to understand the situation: “Tell me, how exactly does he not hear?”.

- Well, he doesn't hear, that's all!

- Okay, call your wife.

- Lena! Go here!

- Where are you?

- I'm on the second floor, and she is on the first, in the kitchen.

- Okay, call her.

- Lena! You see, he doesn't hear!

- Go down the stairs one flight and call again.

- Lena! Well, she doesn't hear! Doesn't even answer!

- Go to the kitchen and call.

- Lena! Well, why aren't you answering?

- Well? What? What? I’ve already answered you three times, but you don’t hear me!

As a rule, a similar story is hidden behind everything. We are really arranged in a relationship in such a way that we want to be heard, but at the same time we do not want to hear the other person. Why? It is necessary to delve into the needs of the partner, to understand the meaning of the words that he says, because they do not always convey the full depth of a person's desire. This is a pretty difficult emotional job, so it's easier to blame (“You can't hear me!”). There is also another side of the coin - maybe you can't hear yourself, don't understand what needs you are trying to tell your partner about.

What to do? Objectively evaluate your behavior. As a rule, the situation is "paired" - we find each other according to the degree of our injury. If one partner has an injury in this place, the other will also find a wound in the area of shame, guilt or responsibility (depending on what it is about). For example, you always blame your partner, but in reality you yourself do not know how to take responsibility for your feelings, experiences, suffering, life, etc. Try to admit to yourself that this is so, if you really want to improve your relationship and work out your bugs. Look deeper into your mind in situations where you are swearing and your partner is offended.

The technique works great when a person comes with some acceptance (in the zone of his difficulties, characteristics or traumas) from the category of humility - “Listen, I figured out myself, maybe you’re right, but still there is your share of guilt … Let's discuss both mine and your guilt. " This position ("50/50") allows you to convey to your partner that you are also working on yourself, and for you it is also difficult. Otherwise - with presentations and demands - no one will ever hear you. It will then be easier for the partner to admit that it is difficult for him, and he also wants to work on himself. Cases when a couple often swear and do not want to "get out" of scandals are quite rare. Basically, people want to work on themselves, but do not understand exactly how this should be done, it is difficult for them to overcome the resistance associated with the fact that the partner is pressing (“Only you change, but I will not!”). By using the “humility” technique, you make it easier for your partner to change.

And most importantly, don't get involved in your partner's insults by your mom or dad. This is a way to manipulate parents, and you do not need to become that very parent who can be manipulated. However, do not leave your partner alone with his feelings ("Offended - it is his own fault, these are your problems, so figure it out! And then come!"). Such tactics will provoke even greater resentment and withdrawal in oneself.

I recommend saying something from the category “I'm sorry that you experience it this way and perceive the situation in this way…”. This phrase will show your partner that you are emotionally included in the situation, you care, but here it may sound a little different for the partner ("Well, you are so pathetic because you perceive it all this way!"). In some situations, it is worth further lowering the degree in the relationship ("I'm sorry that everything happens this way … I'm sorry that we can't hear each other …"). When there is a bunch of "we" and not a separate "you or me", it says that the problem is common for both partners. “We” is very unifying, especially in situations of quarrels and misunderstandings (“I'm sorry that there is criticism and condemnation for you, but I'm definitely not trying to hurt you. Try to hear me and understand inside yourself where this wound was formed”). If you are engaged in psychology and listen a lot, try to convey your thought to the awareness of your partner: “Perhaps, as a child, my mother told you something unpleasant, and I just got here, but believe me - not out of malice! I will definitely try to speak less on this topic and in a different tone, I will work on myself, but promise me that you, in turn, will perceive the situation as a whole in an adult way”. Give your partner time to cope with this, but don't become his mom ("Let me comfort you, stroke you … What else to do? Maybe buy some candy?"). A person needs time to experience all the feelings, and at the same time, try to be close to him, but do not do anything for him. Being around, you make it clear that you have not rejected and continue to love, even if the partner is “terrible” inside. The inner state of a person is not important, convince him that you want to be an adult with him so that he does not fall into some kind of childhood trauma. Each of us can fall, no one is safe from this, but ideally, the partner should be near.

So, if we are talking about an "offended partner", this is some kind of mutual difficulty that causes powerlessness, it is really difficult to be in contact with such people. Try to see the situation as a new stage in the relationship. This is a crisis in your relationship, more provoked by your partner. As a rule, after such a crisis, when you experience all these feelings and analyze the situation in general (how to react - what to say and what not?), A kind of "code of rules" will form in the couple, and the partners will feel comfortable in the relationship.