Offended. I'm Offended. Will I Be Offended?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Resentment is an illusion of control: as long as there is resentment, I control the other, “punish” him, causing him to feel guilty. What am I punishing for? First of all, for not meeting my expectations. The usual scheme is turned on: “How could he! He should have …”We put responsibility on others (this is much more convenient than being responsible for ourselves) and in the end we are disappointed in the person who“owed”us something.

It turns out that the other can offend us only because we deny his right to do as he wants, deny his point of view, his perception of the world. And disappointment is not long in coming: the "offender", it turns out, is not at all what we thought.

Resentment acts as a lever for manipulation in relationships

Often, resentment acts as a lever for manipulation in a relationship: I expect something from a partner, but I do not tell him what exactly. Of course, I don't get what I want, which means that I reproach him, cultivating a feeling of guilt in him - and so on in a circle.

Do you understand that you often fall into this trap? Think about what and to whom you personally owe. Ask questions: why should you? How long have you had this "debt"? Where did you get the idea that you should? The result of this whole chain of reflections will be a genuine awareness of the phrase "Nobody owes anything to anyone." Nobody - including your partner, relative, interlocutor, friend.

It is also useful to ask yourself why the “abuser” did not do what we expected of him. Maybe he had objective reasons for that? And in general - have we formulated our expectations so clearly? Did you ask for help? Did you say we need support? Most often, a person is not aware that we are expecting something from him (and the infantile argument “I should have guessed myself”, by the way, is “hello” from childhood and relations with my mother).

This sweet word is "resentment"

It sounds strange, but most touchy people are in no hurry to part with this character trait. The offended person seems to have special privileges. He feels that he has suffered and has the right to demand "compensation" (and at the same time he will certainly refuse any compensation, because it will not be enough).

To retain the right to demand, you need to continue to be offended, warming up feelings of guilt in those around you. People around, of course, will not give the necessary compensation - another confirmation that "the world is unjust." You can take offense further.

Another important point that cannot be discounted: resentment is aggression directed not only outwardly, but also inwardly, at ourselves. In fact, we offend ourselves by unconsciously agreeing with negative judgments about us. The worse we treat ourselves, the more sharply we react to external confirmation that we are "bad", "worthless", "are not capable of anything."

And in this case, the easiest way to free yourself from resentment is to express your feelings. Admit to myself: yes, I am offended - and try to figure out what exactly hurt you so much.

How to stop being offended

In the case of resentment, the principle of "forewarned is forearmed" works as well as possible. So, resentment will not arise if:

1. Do not build unrealistic expectations in relation to another person - then you will not have to make mistakes in anticipating his behavior.

2. Refuse to evaluate the behavior of another.

3. Do not associate with the behavior of another getting satisfaction, joy and your well-being in general.

Attempts to understand the other person, his motives, emotions, desires, attitude towards you will help you "justify" the offender and ultimately forgive him.