Blame Not Be Offended

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Guilt, resentment and shame are social experiences and contact emotions. Those that help build and maintain relationships.

Guilt is when I did something wrong but I can try to fix it. Occurs as a result of my breach of the contract. If I have violated the rules (social, friendly, family) that were previously agreed upon, guilt is essential to rebuilding relationships … In this case, wine has an important function.

I can admit where I was wrong. Withstand the emotions and feelings of another person about this and direct your strength and energy to correct the situation. I can apologize, try to clarify with the person who was damaged how I can restore it. If the damage is reparable, I can fix it. If I close myself alone and go into self-blame, this feeling can become toxic to me. Because I cannot realize the energy of this emotion in contact. I cannot atone for my guilt and then it will be destructive for me.

There is also such a thing as chronic, toxic wine.

It is experienced by people who:

• do not know how to violate / revise agreements;
• constantly feel guilty in the background for everything;
• hyperresponsible, good workers who do more than others;
• are responsible for the feelings, condition and life of others;
• can go to work sick and tired and be proud of it;
• are in codependent relationships or triangles;
• financially responsible and organizers in any company;
• perform responsible work and everything depends on them;
• want to make everything perfect;
• self-incriminating;
• are overweight, can hold their face, are embarrassed when praised;
• cannot leave their parents, often make excuses;
• feel that they are not worthy of what they have;
• do in a threat to themselves deeds for everyone and are proud of themselves.

This is the state when I owe everyone. I am super responsible. The one who is always to blame. Who is late, screwed up. The one who took it and failed. On whom it all rests. Who is most often one adult among many unconscious. Who must save everyone, understand everyone, must do the impossible. Must do a lot and perfect.

If you are a very responsible person, but often feel guilty. Check if do you take on a lot of responsibility for others … If you do a lot for others and FOR others, there is always a chance of not satisfying them with your actions. Since a person himself must determine what he wants and what does not. He needs to be able to independently satisfy his needs.

Or perhaps you are in a codependent relationship in which there is no difference between where I am and where the other is. No limits. There is no distinction between your and not your responsibility. Where you take a lot of unnecessary things, don't talk about it and get offended. This creates a cycle - guilt-offense-atonement-guilt-offense …

If you take on a lot of things, responsibility for others, most likely you can not cope with this volume. Fall apart. Strength and resources may run out. Then there is resentment towards others for not noticing how hard I try. Not thanked. Didn't help.

Guilt is felt here for not doing enough. Few.

But in fact, I have already overloaded and cannot cope.

And then the guilt should be considered as anger not directed at the original object, but at oneself. Anger turned inside out.

In this case guilt - This my unmanifest anger on the primary object - parents, their beliefs. The inability to defend your right to do something or not to do something. Inability to defend your borders.

Close people of guilty people:

- very sensitive;

- unable to withstand stress;

- disappearing;

- sacrificial;

- accusers;

- those who criticize;

- not ready to take responsibility;

- requiring perfect results;

- dependent;

- noticing the slightest mistakes;

- joyless;

- those who are ashamed of pleasure;

- who remain in the child's position;

- tense;

- always looking for the truth;

- do not forgive mistakes;

With the help of a sense of guilt, you can perfectly manipulate people and shift your responsibility onto them. More often than not, those who do not have boundaries. Who feels constantly bad, lazy. Those who do not allow themselves to be angry and defend themselves can take on a lot of other people's responsibility and blame, take offense.

Second, What you should pay attention to when dealing with guilt, these are beliefs … It is necessary to remember and write down all the beliefs and words that have been imposed on you. For example, a good daughter should help her mother and perform all housework for her at the age of 9, otherwise you will be a bad housewife and no one will marry. A good wife should clean the floor perfectly and always look perfect. A good person should always smile, no matter what happens. A kind person should be able to forgive everyone, and so on.

Such beliefs deeply grow in us, but in life and always it is impossible to keep them. In any case, a situation arises and we violate them.

Because a living person, because I can not want to and do not.

But inner convictions say that you need to strain a little more, refine, and if not - bad, I do not love you and I will blame you.

Accepting and following not your convictions, it is impossible to express anger to the one who imposed them. To the one who transferred responsibility in this way. Then we direct it to ourselves as guilt.

Having worked out your own and not your own beliefs, you can revise them. Get rid of unnecessary ones. Thus, to understand that much is impossible. You are not responsible for many things. Start feeling less guilty about and without.

When a person shifts responsibility onto you, you can ask yourself: Do I want to do this for someone else? Will I have enough strength?

Why would I do this for him to what?

If you are not ready to take, refuse, then the other may be offended. Begin to manipulate, make you feel guilty.

Because his plan didn't work. He didn't get what he wanted from you. Didn't shift the responsibility. If you begin to blame and fulfill - he will be calm and at your expense he will get what he wants.

Guilt and resentment are very related.

Resentment in this context is a way of manipulation. Through the feeling of guilt, you can manage and take what belongs to you - resources, time, talent, etc.

But resentment can also mean that I can do something that will offend another person, step over his line. Be not right in relation to him.

Then mine guiltand resentmentsomeone else will help us restore relationsrather than destroy them.

Resentment is a feeling that can also fulfill connecting function. I can take offense at another in order to give up attachment to him. Leave our contact in order to save it through insult.

Resentment in this context is the bridge that connects us and I expect the person to apologize. Feel like he was right and will return with feedback to restore the relationship.

But more often than not the essence of resentment is unjustified expectations. And the first thing that is necessary when we feel resentment inside ourselves is to ask ourselves the question: how adequate are my expectations? Did the other person who offended me know that I was in pain? That I don't want to. Does he know what I expected from him?

If the expectations are adequate, then you can clarify the relationship and negotiate.

If the person did not know, then what am I offended?

In this case, you can tell him about your expectations and learn from this experience for the future. Warn, discuss.

In order not to accumulate a toxic resentment, it is important to recognize that a certain individual, even the closest one, sometimes cannot give me what I want.

Then I may be faced with a feeling of frustration that my need cannot be satisfied by another. And if you turn these sensations outward, anger will appear, energy that can be directed into action. Perhaps I will find my own way to get it, I will work on the goal. Perhaps I will find other people who will help and support me.

Resentment and guilt are wrapped in anger. What I have to present to another - to give responsibility, to protect the boundaries, my right to be different, to explore ways to satisfy needs with the help of my energy - I wrap inside myself and then it becomes toxic for me.

To reduce the amount of guilt and resentment, it is necessary to unfold the anger outward. Allow yourself to get angry in the present at the original objects, at the past situations. Free yourself from these feelings, live. To understand and analyze where I could not protect myself. Where did I get more than I needed and why. Based on what beliefs. Where I expected from the other what he did not know or could not give me. See this. Forgive yourself. Another. Expand your feelings into actions here and now to change beliefs, to protect your borders. Finding adequate expressions of your feelings in order to stay whole and stay in a relationship.

Use previous situations and make positive experiences from them that need to be applied in practice.