2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Everything has its time…
In psychological texts recently, you can find many statements dedicated to the importance of unconditional love in a person's life.
I also will not dispute this statement, which has already become practically an axiom and finds a lively response in the hearts and minds of consumers of popular psychological literature. Unconditional love has today become a kind of panacea, saving from all troubles and psychological problems, and its absence (especially in a certain type of relationship) is the main reason for such. Write an article on the importance of unconditional parental acceptance and love - and it will not go unnoticed among the huge stream of popular psychological texts!
The value of unconditional love for personal development is indeed highly overestimated. It is the foundation of the personality on which all its subsequent constructions are adjusted. Unconditional love is the foundation of self-acceptance, self-love, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-support and many other important itself- around which the basic vital identity is built - I am!
On the other hand, there are many texts in which one can see a critical attitude towards another type of parental love - conditional love. Basically, these are texts that describe the conditions for the formation of a narcissistically organized personality.
I would like to restore some justice in this text and say, although this is not in trend now, about the importance of conditional love.
In matters of the significance-value of unconditional-conditional love, it is important that the type of parental love is appropriate for the tasks that the child-person solves in his individual development.
In the early years, as I said above, when the vital identity is being formed, unconditional love is the nutritious broth in which the basis of individual identity, the basis of I, self, I-concept is laid. This is a deep feeling: I am, I am what I am, I have the right to this and the right to my want!
However, personality and identity are not limited to individual identity and self-concept. A priori personality is also inherent in social identity, the basis of which is the concept of the Other.
But the appearance in the consciousness of the Other is already a function of conditional love. Here, in the life of a child, besides I want, I also need to appear! And this is a very important condition for development. Conditional love launches decentric tendencies in personality development, destroying the initially formed ego-centrism - I am in the center, Others revolve around me! Not only that, in this case, in my universe, in addition to the I, the Other, not the I, appears! The I, among other things, also ceases to be the center of this system, around which all other not-I revolve. This event in the life of a child is comparable in importance to the transition of mankind from the geocentric position of the structure of the universe (Earth in the center) to heliocentric (the Sun is in the center, the earth revolves around it).
The logic of individual development is such that conditional love comes to replace unconditional love - unconditional love in parent-child relationships is successively replaced by conditional love. This does not mean that unconditional love completely disappears from the parent-child relationship. It remains as the basis for the unconditional acceptance of the child in the basic questions of his existence, remains the background that allows the child to experience the value of his I. But conditional love comes to the fore in relationships, and it is she who becomes the figure that opens up a social perspective in his development, enables an individual person to become a social person as well.
Extremes in everything are undesirable, and sometimes dangerous. This also applies to the conditions of individual development. In the case of the parents' emphasis on conditional love, a neurotic personality structure is formed with an unstable self-esteem, attitudes towards social approval, excessive dependence on a significant other with an expectation of evaluations and praise from him. If in parental relationships, as the child grows up, there is no switching to conditional love, then for the child this is fraught with fixation on an egocentric position with infantilism and problems in socialization and social adaptation.
I have previously described such people as “I want” clients and “I need” clients.
And it is important for parents to know this kind of information to create conditions for the development of an integral personality, harmoniously combining the individual and social, I and the Other.
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