Hole In The Chest: Conditional Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If as a child you were the only child in the city without a Barbie doll, then at 43 you will still remain a child who did not have a Barbie doll as a child. If in childhood you did not feel full of care, love and total unconditional acceptance, then even having received the desired job, loving your wife and your own children, you will still be the one whom you did not love in childhood as you wanted, but loved - with conditions. And this state of rejection is most often described by clients not with the word “rejection”, but colorfully: a hole in the chest

This metaphor just paints that very lack of love in childhood best and sounds more often than others. Such holes arise when a loved one rejects a person in a vulnerable childhood. These are mainly parents, which is already there.

For example, when they said directly: "you are fat, you need a different dress." Or "Vasya can sit quietly and quietly play with bricks on the floor, and you’re just my mother’s disorder." Or not so openly, but insistently emphasized the importance of only one side of the personality, ignoring others. Then the feeling of fear of a mistake eats into the subcortex, because the love of parents must be deserved.

Here's a sketch. One not only smart, but also a beautiful girl was not only embarrassed, but frightened by compliments about her appearance. As it turned out during the work, there were (of course) reasons for this. A chain that was not recognized by the word "completely" was lining up in my head: beautiful = nothing more to praise for = not smart = daddy won't love me like that anymore. The girl was slightly over thirty, if that.

It is good if parents in childhood could convey that each person, without exception, has his own advantages and disadvantages. It is even better if the same truth can be conveyed to your own children thanks to or in spite of parental efforts. And if not - hello, permanent fear of being rejected, which will eat up this hole in the heart.

Walking with such a hole constantly and being aware of it is to feel somehow inferior. Therefore, it must be completed. For example, unrestrained work devouring all free time. You can have sex in huge quantities. You can also eat or drink. You can also partner - this is generally ideal.

Such a relationship is almost always doomed, because the needs of only one person are in the foreground - the person with a hole in the chest. He demands from a partner what he did not get enough of in childhood. And as long as the giver and receiver are euphoric on endorphins and oxytocin, everything is fine. Over time, the hands on the giver's neck close more and more, and the demands with reproaches become more and more.

Have you seen a couple of paragraphs above, I carefully listed several options for filling the hole? Well, they don't work. I mean, on an ongoing basis. This is a temporary solution to how to cheer up after a cup of coffee.