2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Everything that a person does he does in order to be loved. Starting from early childhood. For natural development, a person must successfully go through two important processes - fusion and separation [1].
Having appeared in the world, a small person is completely defenseless, i.e. without establishing affection with his mother, he will not survive. Merging with parents is necessary to establish a basic sense of security. The child is kissed, hugged, taken care of. He cannot understand that troubles happen between his parents, that his mother gets too tired, feels irritated. The child cannot understand, but he is able to feel it.
The emotional sphere develops earlier than logical thinking. A small person is able to feel an emotionally cold mother. It is also worth noting that the infant does not yet separate the outside world from himself. Therefore, the insecurity of the whole world is so acutely felt inside. I am too small to rely on myself and I have no one to rely on outside. It is during this period that deep addictive behavior arises - when attachment with parents is broken for reasons unknown to the little person. Subconsciously, already in adulthood, a person will look for those relationships in which the partner will be cool, suddenly disappear and keep in suspense. Such a partner is necessary in order to replay this wounding situation, where you only need become different and deserve love of an emotionally detached friend.
It would be easier for a person to develop, feeling the security of this world, but even in the opposite case, he goes on to study the world. The child understands that he is a separate person and that he can do a lot himself. Significant loved ones who are nearby must create safe boundaries for his development. However, sometimes parents do not have enough energy and time to give enough attention to their child. After all, it is faster to feed the porridge yourself from a spoon than to hand the child this spoon. In fear that the baby will fall into a puddle, you can inadvertently pull his hand too painfully. When a child's boundaries are systematically violated, their choice may be escape from close relationships to preserve their boundaries.
We certainly cannot know what kind of trauma lies in our childhood. The important thing is that sometimes we create destructive relationships, or we run from possible relationships in adulthood under the influence of this trauma. Grown people sometimes contradict themselves, avoiding intimacy, but hoping for it. Young sexy people post their photos on social networks in order to gain recognition (equal to love), but they flee from intimacy like from fire. It is impossible to be close without opening up, without becoming vulnerable. But you also can't sacrifice yourself to any relationship.
Once I was buying tangerines on the street. The woman who sold the fruit was clearly annoyed. She was saying something with displeasure, and when it was my turn, she sighed and said: "I probably will never have lunch today." I thanked her for the tangerines, smiled, wished her to take care of herself and have a delicious lunch as soon as possible. She broke into a smile, burst into a blush and in this strange woman I saw a little girl. A girl who tries hard to earn the attention of her parents. She works hard to get love.
[1] Based on Escape From Intimacy by Berry and Janey Winehold
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