2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
He asked you: "Freedom to do what?" And you said, "The freedom to say no." It's funny, but I thought it was much more important to be able to say yes.
From the book "Shantaram"
Is this freedom? - Yes. From the inner critic, from “you can't do that”, “you can't be so selfish,” “you need to help others,” “what others will say,” from the feeling that we must always be good. There are a lot of similar thoughts, they sit in us, and speak in the voice of grandmothers, parents, teachers, some woman from the line in the store.
I think we say little to SELF and a lot of no. For me, this quote sounds like this: to be free to say "yes" to yourself in the freedom to say "no" to others.
We often limit ourselves to something, feel guilt, inconvenience, and awkwardness. It's hard for us to put our own priorities first. We need to keep our brand. Match your own image "I am ideal". And in this we are not so free to voice "no" or "yes".
Someone does not say "no", but in fact fails, as subsequently avoids contact. Someone keeps promises, falling into the role of a victim. At the same time, get angry, feel aggressive, irritated.
There is a reward for work! - Intrinsic motive and secondary benefit, which each time make us not to refuse others. At the very least, you will earn praise and support. The first in the person of those whom you did not refuse, and the second in the person of your like-minded people.
Let me explain what I mean. For example, you are helping your colleague finish a project. Overworking, spending a lot of effort. As a result, the boss encourages your coworker without even mentioning you. It is unpleasant for you. You tell the situation to a loved one and get a lot of compliments, support and the feeling that you are a very good person.
What would have happened if you had not helped a colleague? How would you feel?
I suggest you analyze why you do not have this freedom to say no. Ask yourself a few questions:
- How do I feel when I say no?
- What's the worst thing that can happen if I refuse?
- What are my benefits when I say no? Why do I want not to refuse people?
By honestly answering these questions, you will bring awareness to your actions and actions.
When we cannot deal with something about ourselves, it is even more difficult to achieve it in our relationship with others. In terms of the strength of inner experience, discomfort and tension, our inability to say "no" is equal to the inability to withstand the "no" of the other. This is the case when you need to start with yourself, so as not to hurt yourself about others. More often than not, we expect people to treat us as we treat them. And there is such a saying: "treat people the way you want them to treat you." Only it is used somewhat one-sidedly. When we have unpleasant situations, few people remember her.
One way or another, as soon as we learn to be guided by our own "no" and "yes", and not by those obligations that others imposed on us, the refusal of others will not hurt us, hurt, cause resentment, etc.
Give you more freedom in your own actions.
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