2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A wonderful article, prompting for thought. Worth reading for everyone☝️
"Give you a lift to the bus station?" - asked Heidi, an elderly Swiss, a friend of our family. I was going to the city from her dacha, to walk to a stop of 3-4 kilometers, and then it is still not known how long the minibus should wait, and there is a lot of transport to the city from the bus station, and I didn't really want to walk.
I wanted to say, “Yes, give me a ride, please,” but in this case Heidi will have to change out of her country pants, open the gate, drive the car out of the garden, waste time and drive me. And this makes me terribly embarrassed, so I start mumbling something like: “No, no, I’ll probably walk …” Heidi feels a contradiction between what I say and what I want, and, a little annoyed, asks again: "So, maybe, after all, give me a lift?"
I reject it again, trying to be polite, they say, I do not want to bother.
And then Heidi teaches me a lesson that has been helping me out for 10 years now.
“You know, in Switzerland they say:“Yes”and“no”weigh the same. If I offer you a ride, I don't care if you say yes or no. I am ready for any of your answers, it is not difficult for me to ride with you to the bus station, just as it is easy to stay at home. But you invent that one of the options is more convenient for me than the other, and you choose it, although this is not what is convenient for you. This is often done in Russia. But I want you to understand, if I didn’t want to take you, I wouldn’t offer anything. If you are given a choice, one of your answers is equal to another. So give you a ride?"
And I said "Yes!", Plain and simple. Because it was much more convenient and faster for me to get to the bus station by car. And I was grateful to Heidi for giving me a lift, and even more for teaching me such a simple rule.
"Yes" and "no" weigh the same - that's what I repeat inside myself, every time I think that my answer will not like the interlocutor.
"Yes" and "no" weigh the same - this is about the fact that we are all equal and free.
“Yes” and “no” weigh the same - not a superficial rule of etiquette, but the basis of an environmentally friendly sincere relationship.
"Yes" and "no" weigh the same - and do not hope that the other will guess what you really want.
When you allow yourself to be direct and open, you give this freedom to others.
To any of my questions or suggestions, I am ready to hear both a positive and a negative answer. And if one of the answers is preferable for me, then I will inform my interlocutor about it and formulate it differently.
For example, instead of the neutral-polite "Will you come over for a visit?" (assuming that our desires may not coincide) or "I would invite you to visit, but today I am tired and want to be alone."
I remember how my relationship with my friend reached a new level of intimacy. She asked:
- Will you take part in organizing our festival?
- Honestly, no, I don't see myself in this. I don't want to organize anything. - I answered, internally preparing for the subsequent resistance to persuasion.
- Oh, you know, how nice - asked - got the answer - went on.
I know. This is the power of certainty.
It is more difficult when a person is not used to the fact that "yes" and "no" weigh the same. Then instead of a simple monosyllabic answer to each "Will you come with us?" and "Can you help?" stories begin, what a difficult day is planned there, how much needs to be done, and how a person will try to please everyone, to be in time everywhere and everything, not to disappoint anyone. I'm usually sad to hear that.
And it begins in childhood. We learn to guess what answer they want to hear from us, instead of listening to ourselves. We learn early that the questions: "Do you like kindergarten?" and "Would you like some soup?" - there is only one welcome answer for our grandmother. We learn that refusing a boring gift or an uninteresting trip to a museum, you see, will upset our distant relatives. We learn that we must be polite and meet others halfway. We learn that they ask us questions just out of habit and out of politeness, and no one cares about our real answers.
It's good that we grew up and can no longer play this shit. And do not teach this lie to your children.
Each of us has the right to simply ask for and gratefully accept the gifts, offers, help, and love of others, as well as the right to refuse, disagree, shut down and defend our boundaries without feeling guilty.
Yes and no weigh the same, do you agree? (and by asking this question in this way, I mean that any of your answers are equally interesting to me!)
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