A Man Does Not Call For Marriage. What To Do?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“With a young man for 3 years already. He says that he will marry when age is running out. He believes that nothing will change in marriage, except for children. How to understand him - he is not ripe, does not want to or is not sure?"

What to do in this case?

The most important point - you need to not only listen to the person, but also hear what exactly he wants to tell you. Don't make up some kind of excuse for yourself. The man clearly replied that nothing in the relationship would change for him, and that is what he meant. Not wanting or not ripe - it really doesn't matter! Why would the second partner want to come up with another reason? Here frustration arises - I have one goal, and my partner wants another and sees the situation differently.

How to deal with your frustration?

1. Accept the fact that you are different people, look differently at this situation, and it will never be the same!

2. Ask yourself how important it is for you to get married status? Is marriage more important to you or a man and your relationship? Can you live your whole life with this man without legalizing your relationship? Sometimes there are cases when it is important for a woman to “be married”, and not a relationship and a partner. If so, acknowledge this fact! If the fact of marriage is not important for you, go through a state of frustration and continue the relationship with your partner (“Yes, I will never be a married lady, but at the same time I will be happy in a relationship!”, “I see no reason to look for another partner, so I will continue this relationship ! "). There are many examples in society of families with two adult children and partners aged 50+, they live together and get along well. The opposite situation also happens - when a woman raises the issue of marriage several times, but the man confidently declares that marriage does not make sense for him. What is the bottom line? The woman resigned herself to this circumstance ("I love him, which means I will be with him!"). Of course, after a few years, the partner may change his mind, but one should not hope. This must be true humility.

So, if the stamp in your passport is really important for you, and without it you feel insignificant, and in general this situation worsens your life, draw the appropriate conclusion (you are different people, and your life values, desires and needs do not coincide). It is important to be able to admit this fact - it is not at all a shame! Safety is important to you - there is a stamp in your passport, which means they won't leave me. However, in our time, this is not an indicator of a reliable long-term marriage!

1. Try to convey to your man why marriage is so important to you - that it will give you a new status, how you will feel. If your partner really appreciates your comfort in the relationship, sooner or later, he will hear you, but not right away - after a half-hour conversation about marriage, hardly anyone will immediately decide to go to the registry office. Talk with your partner, add new facts for reflection, give weighty arguments ("As a woman, it is important for me to have a stamp in my passport. I am ashamed in front of my friends. I understand that this is irrational, but the feeling of shame eats me up from the inside, try to understand my condition") - today alone, in a week others, do not rush. Give your partner time to rethink your needs, desires, and emotions. Perhaps someday he will be ready to accept your position.
2. A man who claims that marriage will not change your relationship for him is manipulating you. Some women use this technique unconsciously. If the man thinks that nothing will change, change the situation in which the two of you are in so that he becomes uncomfortable. For example, if we do not live together, I am not obliged to be faithful, to cook borscht. If for you marriage is a value that your partner does not perceive, is not ready and does not want to hear and understand, then he deliberately hurts you. Accordingly, you have every right to hurt him. Yes, the approach is cruel, but all people are different, and no method works with some other than showing them their behavior from the outside. However, the first step in any case should be human - sincere, open, direct (talk about your feelings and why it is so important to you).

In no case do not try to change a person using various manipulations ("You want to, come on!"). The only optimal way out is to convey to the person your needs and feelings. Attempts to change your partner will only worsen the relationship and cause even greater opposition. "If you don't want to get married, then you are just an idiot!" - this approach will never work! Such behavior of yours can sometimes be an unconscious way to still make a decision for yourself that a person is not suitable for you and leave. Assess your strengths and capabilities, think how long you are willing to wait, and give your partner this time. Set yourself a mindset - if the result remains unchanged, I will have to look for another man, since the status of a married woman is more important to me.

Another important point is that a counterdependent dynamic can be seen in this whole situation, because it is not easy to find a man with just such resistance to marriage (“I don’t want to get married!”). Here is an inner deep and unconscious need to find that man who does not want to reunite with me, from whom you will eventually have to leave or constantly experience pain. In the context of this problem, the sacrificial position and the Karpman triangle may lie.

What is deep that could make you find such a person?

1. You yourself do not believe that you are worthy of marriage.
2. You have an internal conflict related to marriage (I want to, but I'm afraid!). Maybe Dad mistreated Mom and I will be mistreated if I get married.

Try to understand yourself, try to find inner deep things related to your current relationship.