5 Things To Know For Those Who Want To Learn To Say No

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

So it seems, what could be easier than saying “no” when you don’t want to do something? But no, not everything is as simple as it seems at first glance. In this article, I have highlighted 5 points that are worth knowing for those who cannot say no and want to learn how to do it.

1. Childhood is the head of everything

And children's reactions affect our lives much more than we would like. That is, once the child did something for someone (fulfilled a trivial request, for example) and in response received a lot of affection, admiration and some other positive emotions. The child's reaction could be remembered, and now it repeats itself to itself - even if its owner will soon hit the fortieth day) Sometimes it is enough to realize this, sometimes it is necessary to further work out how it will turn out.

2. Man is a mercenary creature

If we do something, and it seems to us that this something has no benefit, then it only seems to us. There is a benefit, it’s just implicit. For example, feel good. Avoid the discomfort of giving up. Well, it’s unpleasant. There can be many benefits, and they can be very different (moreover, really delusional, especially if the habit is childish). If you want to find them on your own, be honest with yourself and be prepared for the fact that not the most noble motives may be behind your reliability.

3. A difficult childhood is even worse than childhood in general)

Ideally, at some stage of growing up, the child should develop the habit of being aware of his needs and defending these needs. But if the child has educators as in that joke: “- Abramchik, go home! - Mom, am I cold? “No, you want to eat!”, It may not work out. But this does not mean that they do not exist. It's just that a person does not have the skill to be aware of what he really wants and to declare about it (in this case, refusal to comply with an idiotic request is also a kind of statement about his needs).

4. Borders

I was convinced many times: systemic violations of psychological boundaries occur exactly in the place where these boundaries are not built inside. That is, I myself do not fully understand whether this is possible with me or not. There is a weak point within my boundaries. And then there will definitely be someone outside who will hit this weak point. Until I strengthen it (a place, not someone). That is, I will not make a decision within myself that it is impossible with me this way and that way. If the hole in the borders is removed, there is a chance that the incorrect petitioners will fall off on their own.

5. Conflicting messages

There is such a cool thing. When you say “no” to a completely idiotic request (which is a direct violation of your boundaries), and at the same time you smile sweetly. Or she refused - and after a minute it is uncomfortable and you go and apologize with an ingratiating look. And then the person who was told “no” has a choice: to accept the first or the second message at his own expense. Whichever is convenient for him, he will choose this. Then the conclusion may arise "People are idiots and do not understand refusals." Understand if the failure is unequivocal. In this case, you need to figure out what is happening there inside and why a person simultaneously broadcasts two conflicting messages.

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In general, there can be many aspects here. I only came up with five on the fly. What can be done? Or you can analyze your unwillingness to say "no" in this way. We take a specific situation when it was necessary to say no, but it did not work out, and we answer the questions (only honestly - in front of ourselves, not in front of someone):

• What good did I get for myself when I didn't say no?
• What did I lose when I didn't say no?

And then:

• What if I said no?
• What would not have happened if I had said no?

Ideally, of course, for these questions to be asked by another person, but that's how it will turn out. It is common for a person to feel sorry for himself and if there is a risk of finding out something unpleasant about himself, there is a high probability that the person will close his eyes to it.

If you answer all four questions, then, in principle, a lot will become clear. By the way, in the question that you least want to answer, the answer may just lie) Further actions depend on what you find out about yourself. It may be that there is much more to the inability to say no than meets the eye. But that’s how lucky.