How To Learn To Say No

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What could be the reasons for your "gentleness" in relationships with other people? Why don't you defend your position, and how can you still learn to say "No"?

The biggest reason is that you feel fear, shame, or guilt. Fear is a state of extreme anxiety and anxiety from impending or anticipated danger. If we consider Maslow's pyramid of needs, security is second in importance. So, this person somehow provides you with a comfortable life, and sometimes comfort also becomes a kind of addiction. Yes, this is above the first step, but it is in this sense that women are more dependent on men in material terms, but men can depend on the comfort that a woman creates in the house when they return from work.

You feel a sense of fear against the background of the fact that in early childhood you were not treated with sufficient acceptance, you could not express yourself freely, you could not say "No", your upbringing was authoritarian on the part of your parents, without any explanation. As a result, the person becomes frightened, begins to blame himself or is ashamed to say "No". Relatively speaking, when a partner asks something, you fall into your small position, become a child out of fear or guilt to say "No", taking responsibility for it. What if your partner gets angry or stops communicating with you, as it was in your childhood with loved ones? You are afraid and therefore say "Yes" just in case.

The next reason is that you do not have a clear understanding of your desires. Quite often, those people who are inclined to say "Yes" instead of "No" do not understand exactly what they want from life. When they begin to understand, it already hurts too much. How many times have you allowed a loved one to overstep your boundaries (relatively speaking, you followed your husband - went to the dacha, moved to another city, allowed you to choose a menu for you, humbly agreed to watch a movie that was not interesting to you)? In all these situations, your boundaries were violated, but you tried not to notice it, but the pain accumulated and accumulated. And one fine moment you will simply explode: “I have devoted all of myself to him, and he does this!”. You suddenly begin to realize that you didn't want something, and you drive yourself into a victim position. Men quite often have situations when they have built a career for the sake of women and children, but in the end they feel that they are left “at a broken trough”.

Why is this happening? First, you are deceiving yourself and your partner when you agree to something that you really do not want to do; secondly, you lose respect. A person who has never said “No” or said “No” quite rarely will not be respected by those close to him and in general in society. He does not manifest as a person. With his "No", a person does not say what specifically he is interested in, his desires seem to fade into the background, allowing himself to be abused every time, to be pushed aside. As a result, sooner or later, he will be pushed to the very edge (or even thrown out of the relationship) - no one respected him, and the person himself did not force himself to respect.

How do you say no?

1. You need to learn this - try different options, choose the form of communication, words.

2. Don't let people catch you off guard. If you are offered something, think about it, it is not necessary to immediately give a positive answer. Take a break (5 minutes, week, month, year - depending on the question). Make an agreement with your interlocutor ("Now I cannot answer, but let me think about it and give you an answer?"). An important point - while pondering the question, ask yourself what exactly you want in reality, what you live for, where you are going. This is the basis - your whole future life will be built on this basis, as well as the subsequent "Yes" and "No". How will the proposed offer help you to achieve your own goals? For example, you were offered to go out for a walk, but your position in life is to move up the career ladder or earn a decent amount of money. If it is important for you to complete at the moment some kind of burning task that will help you move a few steps forward towards the desired goal, you will refuse to walk. We leave the basis the same and change the conditions - it is not necessary to complete the task today. In this case, another need is in the foreground - warmth, communication, attention received in a friendly company. Learn to keep track of your needs and understand them, the only way you will not be used.
3. Finding the strength in yourself is not always easy, but it is worth it to learn, withstand and withstand the feedback from your partner. To do this, remind yourself every moment that you are no longer a small child, and in front of you is not a mom or dad. If you say “No” to your partner, and he is angry, this is quite normal (especially if you have never said “No” before!). If your "No" is not explained in any way, the person will consider you a tyrant, who plays out and works on his psychological portrait and problems. Explain to the interlocutor your decision - what exactly inside you makes you say "No" at the moment.

An important point - always speak frankly with your partner in an intimate relationship. If you do not want intimacy, explain your condition to him, make it clear that this is temporary (or speak through the accumulated grievances, share what is eating). In such situations, you should tell your partner that your behavior has nothing to do with him ("This is not connected with you, but with me! This is my problem, and I need to deal with it, and then we can solve your question, okay?"). It is important to say "No" firmly, but without negativity, so as not to ruin your relationship.