2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
At one of the regular sessions in the process of my studies at the International Institute of Existential Counseling, the teacher Alexei Bolshanin said a very interesting phrase: "Relationships, love in a couple is a factor." And I wondered how our own integrity affects the integrity of the relationship. In mathematics, integrity is defined by one (or 100%).
If two integral personalities enter into a relationship, then their relationship will also be measured by a unit, i.e., they will be integral (1X1 = 1).
It turns out that if individuals who are not holistic enter into a relationship, then the result of their relationship is a number that is less than both of them (0.5X0.5 = 0.25).
Having a deficit inside oneself, there is a desire to fill it at the expense of a partner. You can fill it in in several ways:
- Ask
- Take away by force
- Steal (most often this happens through unconscious manipulation).
For example, one partner voluntarily gives 0, 1 to the other, as a result we get: 0, 4X0, 6 = 0, 24, i.e. the result becomes less than at the beginning of the relationship. If one gives the other 0, 2, then we get: 0, 3X0, 7 = 0, 21.
It also happens that partners with different levels of deficit enter into a relationship (0, 7X0, 5 = 0, 35). If the one who has less deficit gives 0, 2 of his completeness to his partner, it will turn out (0, 5X0, 7 = 0, 35), i.e. the result will not change, only now the first will need to fill his deficit and ask, take away or steal it from the other.
From this it follows that by trying to make up for our own deficit at the expense of a partner, we not only reduce his integrity, but also the integrity of the relationship itself.
If we give not 0, 2, but 0, 1, then we get (0, 6X0, 6 = 0, 36). As a result, we get a little more than initially. And here three questions already arise:
- How not to give the first one too much?
- How can the second not take more?
- And how long will this balance last?
After all, in fact, both partners continue to experience their own personal deficit, which needs filling. And where are the guarantees that one of the partners will not begin to replenish it at the expense of another.
Mathematics, science is exact, and very clearly shows what happens to the quality of relationships if partners try to fill their own deficit at the expense of another person. As a result, resources are not added, but only decreased.
The inferiority of each frequency is the reason that the relations in the pape become conflicting and destructive. They become like a war - a war for each other's resources. As a result of the war, both lose, because in the process, each of them spends his strength, and becomes less than it was before the relationship.
What can be the way out in such a situation.
- Think about why you need this relationship? For what purpose did you create them? If the relationship makes sense and value for you, then you can proceed to the next points.
- Take responsibility for filling your deficit on yourself and look for ways to do this.
- Treat the deficiency of the other with respect, sensitivity, and care.
- Sometimes share when you really feel you have something to give.
Existential psychology defines a person as a unity of physical, personal, social and spiritual dimensions and defines him as a priori integral and unique in its uniqueness. In the course of his life experience and traumatic events, a person may experience a break in integrity, block contact with himself and his parts.
In the process of psychotherapy, there is a process of discovering and uniting those qualities of the existential dimensions of oneself, which for one reason or another were deeply hidden and therefore were not noticed or recognized. A person is whole when he realizes and recognizes all parts of himself in their interconnection and unity. A holistic person is always resilient, he has dignity and in difficult life situations he has the resources to resist. Viktor Frankl has a metaphor: comparing an existential therapist with an obstetrician as a childbirth assistant or with an ophthalmologist who regains sight.
How to find your own integrity, how to find the path to yourself? In this case, it makes sense to turn to a psychologist in order to reveal the potential of the unit with his help. And then, perhaps, you will have what to give and what to share.
As one of my Teachers A. E. Alekseychik: “You can only share without damage from excess”, ie from your own being.
Feelings of Integrity for everyone
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