How Not To Depend On The Opinions Of Others? Someone's Mind

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What to do in situations when people close to you offer a joint vacation, ask to buy something, do something for them, or interfere in your life, trying to prove that you need to do what they think? Often we simply cannot say in response: “No, I want it differently,” or we don’t know exactly how we want it differently. However, fulfilling the desires of others, we definitely do not feel happy.

To make the best decision, it is worth separating material and psychological issues. An example in the first case is buying a dress together with a close friend, boyfriend or mother. Doubting your choice, you may ask: "Which one do you like more - green or yellow dress?" However, having received the answer: “Green! It suits you that way, you look amazing!”, You do not feel the joy of choosing, but inside your consciousness prompts:“I don’t even know … No, not really!”. Nevertheless, often in such situations, we agree with a loved one and … buy a green dress. And then, going out into the street, we do not feel happy, there is no feeling of inner comfort, responses from others and enthusiastic looks. Why? At the very least, you do not like this green dress, you are unhappy with your choice, there is no delight in the perfect purchase. And it doesn't matter at all that in reality green suits you better! If in yellow you feel more comfortable, happier and more joyful, you should make a choice in its favor, because it is better to regret your choice, and not imposed by someone.

Fruitless regret and burning reproach to oneself is always felt easier than dissatisfaction and bitterness from the realization of "manipulation" of oneself by a loved one (in such a situation, these feelings will eat a person from the inside for a long time).

When you just pick the wrong dress, you can throw it away and buy another one. We tried it, liked it, felt a sense of satisfaction ("Yes, yes! I want this and that's it!"). Search, try your hand, test opportunities, and sooner or later you will find what you want. If you go along with the desires of other people all the time, you will never find yourself. Of course, there are different situations and girlfriends, husbands / wives, mothers / fathers (“I told you so!”), In this case we feel an acute sense of guilt.

Now let's consider the psychological choice (relatively speaking - where to go for a walk, what profession or courses to choose, where to study, how and with whom to celebrate a birthday, whether to help a friend / friend if you need to do your business urgently).

In fact, many people will put off their studies and run to help, realizing that they will feel bad about this choice later. Why is this happening, and what is the basis for this dynamic of behavior? As a rule, on a sense of guilt (a person cannot understand where the boundaries of his responsibility and the responsibility of another person are). The psychological connection is as follows - if I refuse or choose something of my own, the person close to me will be upset, so I will feel guilty, I should, and I will have to quickly correct the current situation to make it easier for him! But it is worthwhile to understand that what the other person will feel is his personal responsibility, because in this way he learns his lesson in the process of communicating with you. Alas, many people are used to such a stable pattern of behavior.

What to do in this case? Remind yourself - "This is his responsibility!". Your immediate responsibility is to properly explain to the person what is happening to him, why he was refused.

For example, the answer to the phrase “I don’t want to spend my free time with you today, I don’t want to communicate either” can sound completely different:

“You know, I had a very hard day today.8 clients, and each had to be involved emotionally in the problem, plunging into the depths of their experiences and dividing them, so now I am energetically exhausted, my strength is at zero.

- I would really like to spend time with you, but not today - I feel bad.

- I would like to take a walk with you, but let's not go to the cinema - I can't watch any films now.

- Let's go to the disco next time, and today we will spend time in a calm atmosphere.

Thus, a person should be made to understand that no one turns away from him: “I do not give up on you. Today I choose myself, and these are completely different things. My behavior is connected exclusively with my psychological state at the moment. Nothing has changed in our relationship, I still value your opinion, respect you as a person and love you. Moreover, I want to spend my free time with you. " If a loved one cares about you, proposing any global changes in your life (for example, a change of profession, etc.), you can say directly: “Thank you for offering me various options, but there is no response in my soul. I am sure (on) that this is not my way. It is possible that you are right, and in a year I will regret my actions, but let me walk this path on my own. It is very important for me!".

You shouldn't take responsibility for the pain of another person, but you definitely need to maintain contact ("I'm really embarrassed to refuse you. It doesn't work for the umpteenth time, and I understand that this is rather unpleasant for you, but now I can't"), admitting the chilling feelings of guilt and shame.

Relatively speaking, with the additional text, we let the person understand that he is valuable and not indifferent, and the relationship is still preserved. As a result, he will not be so hurt and hurt because of the refusal, he will not be so frustrated. A great example is a child with a knee injury. If the baby hit his knee, and the mother did not react to his pain in any way, did not show that she was going through, the situation will be more difficult, and the pain will remain for several more years. If the child feels and sees that the mother does not care, and it does not matter at all that she cannot do anything, it is much easier to endure the painful sensations.

In the dynamics of people following the lead of their loved ones, there is often a tendency - what is important to me and I want, is not really valuable. Our relationship with this person, his opinion, feelings and desires are much more valuable. People with similar problems can justify their actions with the following standard phrases: “When we know each other superficially, I can quite talk about my feelings and do as I feel comfortable. If I am in a close relationship with someone, I try to be as comfortable as possible for that person, so I want to create a comfortable relationship."

What could be the reasons for this line of behavior? The origins need to be looked for again in childhood - parents and those around them made the child comfortable for themselves, blamed for personal aspirations and desires bypassing their own interests, did not provide the opportunity to choose something of their own, violated his personal boundaries (they could enter the room without knocking, demand that the baby does not close the door, otherwise they make a scandal). As a result, already in adulthood, a person cannot understand what exactly he wants and, accordingly, does not allow himself to set these boundaries (simply close the door and say: "That's it! Don't enter here! This is my personal space, and here I want to be alone (but)!").

How to deal with your own impotence? To begin with, you need to regain the value of your desires, otherwise, going further on about all those close to you, a person begins to perceive such behavior towards himself as a manifestation of aggression (he has no responsibility for everything that he forces me to do, there is only wine, which means - he is guilty!).

By agreeing to fulfill the request of a loved one every time, a person eventually begins to take offense, tk. He cannot take out aggression directly in contact; as a result, anger is transformed into resentment and is directed at himself ("Everyone! They hurt me! Nobody loves me. And generally does not perceive the way I want it!"). This stress factor begins to accumulate in consciousness, being held for some time in the psyche, and then acting out begins:

- You bothered me, so don't call again! I do not want to talk to you!

- Maybe a passive expression of dissatisfaction - “Great, we came to where you wanted! Now bear with my sour expression! (in this case, you can feel anger and irritation hanging in the air).

- A person may not answer phone calls or “forget” to call, wish him a happy birthday, keep a promise (there is so much aggression that this hostility fills 99% of the brain and crowds out all good things).

So, what is the way out of this situation? The very first and most important thing is to understand what you want, the second is to give value to your inner aspirations, to realize that you yourself agree with such actions in relation to yourself and begin to voice personal desires to loved ones. This is really important for relationships, because in the end, doing everything that a person does not want, and without objection, putting up with everything, he will simply destroy the relationship.

To break this circle, first try a very simple exercise - say out loud "I would like to …!". It doesn't matter at all if the phrase sounds quietly, and not everyone will hear it, the main thing is that you could say it out loud! You can say “I dreamed. I saw it differently. " If others are accustomed to the fact that you do as it is convenient for them, at first no one will hear you, but you should not stop - the water wears away the stone, so you need to speak, then offer, insist, demand, but do not stop. At the very least, people will understand that you are not satisfied with everything. In addition, this approach will help not to abruptly break off the relationship.

In some situations, you will have to directly demand if others do not hear or do not want to hear. People are accustomed to such behavior, and you to such an attitude, having chosen your environment so that it resembles childhood as much as possible, when you had to follow someone's orders and instructions. Initially, when you chose an authoritarian person in a relationship (perhaps a tyrant or a sadist), you felt very comfortable - he led him, controlling everyone like puppets (including you). It is quite difficult to re-educate such a person, but it is worth making an effort to satisfy his needs and close this level of mental development. In a comfortable relationship (when people have known each other for several years), it is also important to receive feedback from others, so you need to feel free to ask about it, and if necessary - demand (“What do you think about this? Give me feedback! I need it ). Over time, you will begin to be surrounded by individuals who know how to listen.

Appreciate your needs and satisfy them, sometimes at the cost of a relationship - we are all adults, and if a loved one is not able to help you in satisfying your desires, why do you need relationships for the sake of relationships?