In A Whisper

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I have no idea how you can start a conversation about loneliness. There are so many thoughts, feelings, attitudes and concepts in my head that choosing the right faith and sticking to it makes absolutely no sense (tomorrow it may turn out to be false).

I am not talking about loneliness as a comfortable oneness with oneself; and not as about the absence of those types of relationships that people start for show "I have a relationship, then everything is fine with me"; and not about loneliness in the interpretation of the existentialists, where any person is essentially lonely and against this, as against gravity, you cannot trample [this concept was pushed to me by my second love, when at 17-18 I complained about loneliness, lack of friends and wildly painful relationships with parents and relatives. Apparently, I was required to radically change my attitude, accept loneliness as manna from heaven and lag behind an adult with my childhood problems. And what we have is that since then I have been afraid to study existentialists.]

It is easy to talk about accepting loneliness, having a loving and accepting family, good friends, a significant number of friends and acquaintances … knowing about loneliness from a book, from natural teenage experience or from the feelings of parting. In fact, in such situations, it is easily said about this, a lump does not gather in the throat, the heart does not begin to pound madly, blood does not rush to the legs and arms in order to run away and fight off monsters.

I stammer about him.

Loneliness is like a forest overgrown with dead branches, sheltered from sunlight or moonlight; so quiet that you begin to hear the work of internal organs, hallucinate and go crazy. It looks like a quagmire, taking away everything that is near. It kills a person and there is a lot of good in him, this process was called adaptation or deformation.

Loneliness is something that has been taught to be ashamed and hide. It is that the child at some point resigns himself to the fact that the mother will not come; it is in the study of the fact "you yourself are to blame for being lonely" from early childhood, when the child is explained that "mom goes to work for you, you cannot be angry with her", it is that the child may not be enough attention and love, and its "little" is all that those who give love are capable of, it is in an attempt to make a child comfortable in any way, it is in the eternal role of a black sheep, when it is impossible not to pay attention when an adult speaks " you yourself are not a sinless angel, so they are poisoning you, "it is in a misunderstanding of desires and aspirations and in an attempt to crush them, it is that you will not be protected when it is necessary, it is that those closest to you will not believe, and they will open the door of the house to the offender, let him into your room again, it is that you will never sleep peacefully in the house where you grew up, it is in depreciation, ridicule until you run out of strength to resist.

Loneliness will force you to repeat patterns of behavior, to be a devoted puppy, hoping that you will receive love, not punishment, if this time you behave correctly and are "good enough."

Loneliness will make you hurt those you love until they hurt you. It will force you to test the strength of relationships, breaking them and throwing them with all their dope into a concrete wall.

It makes a person a torn, non-healing lump of pain, bitterness and resentment, which over time will not have the strength to shout, call for help and try to collect himself.

I know about myself that I am lonely. This is a part of me. Constant painful part from childhood.

It is impossible to accept. It is impossible to accept this.

BUT

I am much more than my loneliness.