Can I Whisper In Your Ear? (Spoiler: "No")

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In my practice, I try to avoid any information about the client before meeting with him, giving him the opportunity to personally and independently tell everything that he considers necessary to say. This allows me to remain neutral, which is very important for quality work, to act without prejudice, to keep within the framework of the situation, to work “here and now”. A particular difficulty in this matter is counseling children (I mean mainly school-age children). The overwhelming majority of parents want to talk to me in private at the beginning of the consultation. Why am I trying to refuse? The three most important reasons are:

• I do not need it. Moreover: it will bother me (see above about neutrality). What is necessary for work, I will see myself when you enter the office with the child: his personality traits and reactions, and yours, and the peculiarities of your communication with him. If it is important for the work to discuss them - I will initiate a discussion;
• what you say is probably misleading. This is especially true of hypotheses about the reasons that led you to me. If these hypotheses were correct, you would be able to solve the problem yourself;
• the most important! This increases the child's discomfort, and alienates him both from you and me: here mom entered the office and closed the door behind her. What is happening there? What is an ugly, shameful, secret mother says that you can't even say in front of everyone? What does the psychologist know about me now? What did they agree on? What's their plan against me? (remember that the family has a difficult period).

And in this atmosphere I have to start working with the child.

Who needs a preliminary interview? To you. For parents, this is a way to reduce anxiety, to create a sense of control over the situation. But by following your comfort, you increase the child's discomfort. Prioritize ahead of time. Decide who needs help more. Maybe you? Maybe you should come to the consultation without a child? But then be prepared for the fact that we will talk about you, not about him. The problems of children often grow out of the problems of the parents. When a parent changes something in his thoughts, his behavior and attitude towards the child change. And the child is forced to change too, because the old habits no longer work. This statement is also true when a teenager does not want to go to a psychologist: this is his right, come without him, this is also possible.

What if there is some very, very important information?

Ask yourself, does the child know what you are trying to say? Is it possible to discuss this with the child? The most common answer is yes. And then there is no need to whisper in the corners. Just choose the most appropriate vocabulary, say what you want to say in the appropriate words. Say no more than you think possible. If we are talking about something very personal, and the situation and the age of the child allows, you can ask the child for permission to introduce me to the matter, or invite him to do it himself. Important: if the child refused - so be it! There is no need to be sad about this, because really important and necessary information will "emerge" by itself, already in the process of work, when it is really needed and the child will be ready to share it.

They come to a child psychologist to solve a problem. We all need to act together, together. Alone, without your participation, the work of the psychologist slows down. Your participation begins when you remove the secret seal from family affairs, establish healthy communication within the family, acknowledge the child's right to know what is happening and to participate in events related to him.