How To Stop "fighting" With Your Mom And Start Living Your Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In a previous publication, I wrote that the protracted struggle, which sometimes the relationship between a mother and her matured child turns into, takes a lot of energy and does not have a winner. Alas, such a struggle imperceptibly becomes a substitute for a full-fledged own life and drags on for years. Years of accusations, and lack of freedom, years of life with an eye on my mother's criticism. Once started against the background of the mother's inability or unwillingness to love, accept and care for her child, the struggle is now supported by the children themselves. It is in the mother that they see the main reason for their failures in life, and it is in her that they continue to look for what she cannot give them …

Today I want to talk about how to help yourself get out of this struggle, and therefore take responsibility for your life on yourself. To begin with, let's see if the fight with your mother, even "with the most toxic in the world", has become profitable for you over time?

But how can the habit of constantly conflict or annoy each other be beneficial?

How can it be beneficial to feel anger and at the same time powerlessness, overwhelming after every attempt to talk?

And what about the feeling of guilt that makes you call at least on holidays a person with whom only negative memories are associated?

For example, like this:

- the struggle with the mother (including internal dialogue) helps to feel that you are right and, at least for a while, feel your "goodness" in contrast to your mother.

- the state of struggle reminds you that your mother is wrong and guilty, so you are not just so involved in a confrontation with her. This brings temporary relief as the excruciating sense of guilt then replaces the fuse.

- the state of struggle gives the illusion that you "did not accept" and "resist as best you can". It helps to perceive yourself in a more beneficial and even noble light and supports self-esteem (which, willy-nilly, mom has been attacking for years)

- sometimes the state of struggle with mom is the only struggle that you are able to withstand for a long time. It is possible that in communicating with other people, confrontation is painful for you (and you are even ready to sacrifice your interests, just not to aggravate the conflict)

- while you are in a struggle, you have no time to be happy and there is always someone to blame for your misfortunes (even psychologists unanimously say that until a person understands his relationship with his mother, you should not expect drastic changes)

- the habit of being in a state of struggle helps not to master alternative scenarios of behavior. They are more difficult, newer, unknown and it is not clear where they will lead, what to prepare for … And although you cannot change your mother, you at least know what to expect from her, therefore you are always ready.

Do you think any of the above is relevant to you? If so, then you know what complicates your path to life and directs you on the wrong track.

To set a course for your own life, you may need very different rules and principles. Here are some of them:

1. It doesn't matter how old you are - mom may want to influence you, be dissatisfied, criticize. However, she is not responsible for you.

2. Mom can have any opinion, express it or keep it to herself. Give up trying to convince her or hear words of approval. Instead, start paying attention to situations in which other people genuinely tell you about your merits, and thank and appreciate your contribution. You appreciate their support too. Ask yourself - are you right in the question that interests you? Are you satisfied with yourself? Did you succeed? And learn to praise yourself, support yourself, regardless of the answers. If you ask what mom has to do with this, I will answer: now it is no longer. Take on the task of caring for yourself.

3. Give up the idea of establishing a dialogue with your mother if this dialogue is toxic and painful. If you don’t want or cannot stop communicating, be aware of the purpose of this communication. Support, but do not seek support, show concern, but do not expect gratitude. To the well-known principle "do good and throw it into the water" I would add that good is your and only your choice.

4. You may think that if it were not for your mother, you could have become happier … But in any story, even the most negative hero has special powers and abilities. Does your mother also have some kind of superpower or skill, qualities that would help her out more than once in life, would be appreciated by other people in her? Resourcefulness, the ability to please men, the ability to listen to the stories of your friends - whatever! Try to find something similar in yourself. At first, you won't want to have anything to do with your mom, but if you keep looking, you will see that similarities in strength can be an unexpected resource for you.

5. The habit of living your life needs a picture of this life. How is it drawn to you? How is this picture different from what is now? How do you yourself want to be different from that / who you feel yourself today? As you paint an alternative picture of your life, remember that you are the main character. Compare "I want my mother not to bother me and let me live in peace" and "I am a free person who makes independent decisions."

6. Learn not to defend your boundaries, but to mark them. In words. First - for yourself / yourself. Remind yourself often of who you are, what you want, and why you have every right to strive for it.

7. We consider it a common thing to remind ourselves every day of something already familiar: we set an alarm to wake up on time, enter meetings in the organizer, write a list of purchases and to-do's. But rarely does anyone "set himself a reminder" to behave in accordance with the new idea of his life. Today. Tomorrow. The day after tomorrow … New habits are formed slowly and require consistent and focused work. The habit of living your life is no exception. Find the right words and add them to your calendar now.

Irina Obudovskaya, psychologist