2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"Most of us were raised to be good rather than real; adaptable rather than reliable, adaptive rather than confident."
James Hollis
Indeed, the tragedy of thousands of people is that we don’t know what we want, we don’t know what we feel, what is possible, what is better for us, we generally seem to be unfamiliar with ourselves.
Most requests for therapy from middle-aged men and women that they do not understand who they are, do not know how to love themselves, others, do not see their place in their ONLY life, and, faced with a midlife crisis, when it is impossible to live in the old way, but in a new way it is not clear how, they find themselves in a dead end. The meaning is lost.
And how can he not get lost if the program "don't be yourself, it's life-threatening" has been stitched into us from birth.
Our dear grandmothers and great-grandmothers, not mythical ancestors, but they, dear, warm, those who held us in their arms and kissed our heels, these women dug trenches, escorted their husbands to death, waited daily for funerals, stood at the machines for days on end, they were starving and freezing. And at the same time they managed to love, give birth to children. Our moms and dads, grandparents.
And their main task was not "to harmoniously develop the personality of a child," but to feed them stupidly and protect them from death.
This fear is also sewn into us. Not up to yourself, you have to survive, save up, cover your back for a "rainy day", which (in the inner world) can come at any time.
Our great-grandmothers went to bed and did not know whether a black car would come or not, take away everything that was dear or not, forever.
Fear and instability. The subtlety of life. This is also in our program.
Several generations have survived in harsh conditions. Wars, revolutions, repression, depression, perestroika, crises..
My generation, who were born in the USSR, did not know war, deaths, tears and all that horror in practice, but something else was invested in us.
We were told: "what do you mean" I do not want / want ?! There is no such word! There is a word "must"!"
"Aren't you ashamed to think of yourself, you are an egoist!"
"You dishonor your parents if you try to be different."
"If you bring it in a hem, you are not my daughter" - every second girl heard these words in those years.. And mom.. Mom, the only person in the whole world who was supposed to provide support, protection and support, was ready to refuse from his own child, fearing his own fear of being rejected by society.
“What people say” was more important than the happiness of one's own child and one's own happiness.
And what was a child to do with his growing, rebellious youth, without support, but with parents ready to abandon him at any moment, "if something goes wrong."
Of course, for survival, like great-grandmothers in the war, (the program is still alive) it was easier to freeze, not feel, disconnect oneself from their feelings (dissociate).
And how many grievances against my mother then, does not allow me to live now.
The girl is already 40, but the pain that her mother caused 30 years ago is so alive that the girl cries, remembering those years. Perhaps my mother has not been on this earth for a long time, but the pain is alive, the wound is bleeding.
How you want to heal these wounds and breathe deeply.
Yes, for many years in Russia people lived under fear of being expelled, rejected, expelled from the pioneer-Komsomol-party.
"You couldn't be yourself. It's life-threatening."
And this program is stitched into us.
"You can't be yourself."
And it's good that now there is an opportunity to stop being afraid, pay attention to your soul, Allow yourself to live your life, be happy …
Yes, this is a big and long job. Realize the scenario, attitudes, live through your traumas, heal your wounds, get to know yourself, hear your voice, understand your desires and needs, learn to love yourself. But anything is possible.
You can and should make an effort and go through the exclusion zone. Break the barbed wire that protects you from a happy life. Yes, you have to make an effort. No other way. Otherwise, you will have to live behind a wire, to be afraid of guards with dogs, which in reality do not exist. But the war goes on inside. Who will win?
The choice in this game called "YOUR ONLY LIFE" is yours.
Contact me, I will take you to the exit!
Your Olga Polonskaya, online psychologist
Skype o.polo2014
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