HOW IT IS CORRECT TO FIND OUT RELATIONSHIP FOR FAMILY COUPLES

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"How to properly sort out the relationship for married couples?" - this is one of the most frequent questions for a family psychologist.

Let's first understand the terminology. A distinction should be made between dispute, quarrel and conflict.

• Dispute … We often hear: "in a dispute, truth is born." In fact, an argument is a struggle between two egos. The dispute resolves the question "who is more important." So we are not talking about the truth, but about selfishness. During a dispute, adrenaline goes off scale, a person feels a surge of strength and the ability to move mountains. The disputants stop hearing, pondering and understanding each other.
• Argument … “Lovely ones scold - just amuse themselves” - a neighbor sighs during the next scandal of a couple from the apartment on the floor above. Lovely ones "amuse themselves" during quarrels if their couple lacks physical intimacy, that is, sex. And also if there is a lot of passive aggression, when partners do not know how or are afraid to express dissatisfaction in time. Discontent develops into irritation, and the accumulated irritation develops into anger. In such couples, a quarrel becomes a habitual way of relieving irritation and sexual tension. During a quarrel, an emotional tension arises, a release of accumulated tension and devastation. And in fact, mutual reproaches, accusations and insults are pouring in. Quarrels usually do not lead to solving problems in a couple.
• Conflict - this is already a way to solve problems in pairs. Although a conflict is a clash of incompatible views, interests and is accompanied by negative emotions, its task is to come to a common solution in the process of interaction. In a conflict, there is a sincere interest in listening to the opponent, understanding him and being understood. Therefore, conflict is necessary and beneficial for the relationship to develop.

Is it possible not to conflict?

This is only possible in an ideal world. And we live in the real. Therefore, let's learn to conflict - to translate the conflict in the direction opposite to the argument and quarrel.

How to conflict correctly?

From rivals and opponents, one must become allies. I recommend that you do this in the truest sense of the word. Allies are on one side of the barricade, and on the other side is the problem or situation that caused the conflict. Over time, the skill will come to automatism and improvised means will not be needed. In the meantime, 10 steps:

1. Get out of the battlefield. Stop, take a breath and go to another room. Or change to change location. If you feel yourself exploding with emotion, take time out and set up negotiations with your spouse, for example, after dinner, when you put the kids to bed. Physical relaxation will help relieve tension - squats, cleaning, walking.
2. Sit next to each other “on one side of the barricade,” facing the subject of the conflict. It should be comfortable for you to look at each other.
3. Outline the problem. Remember: you are allies, the problem is the enemy. Write a few words about the problem on a piece of paper and place the sheet opposite.
4. Discuss your subject of conflict. Take turns telling each other how you see the problem.
5. Then share your feelings and thoughts about the problem with each other. Do not go over to the personalities "and you", "and me." We discuss only the problem and your attitude towards it.
6. Take turns telling each other how you see the solution to the problem ideally.
7. And now in reality. Talk to each other. what is most important for you in solving the problem, and what is secondary.
8. Discuss your wishes with each other.
9. Try to find common points of interest. Try it gradually.
10. If it didn't work out the first time, make a new meeting and sit down at the negotiating table again after a while.

People who grew up in families where parents constantly quarreled tend to create a scandal. People with an inflated ego or a strangled ego like to argue.

People who experienced tremendous fear in childhood when their parents quarreled are afraid in adulthood of any manifestation of conflict. Also afraid of conflict are those who have never seen how mom and dad quarreled, they thought everything was perfect. It is normal if children sometimes see that their parents have disagreements, but they resolve the conflict peacefully and live together again.

If it is difficult for you to express emotions in a relationship with a partner, to voice your opinion, requests or your desires, if you suffer from misunderstanding or fail to establish a constructive dialogue, I invite you to an individual psychological consultation. Contacts in the profile of the author of the article.