2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why do failures hurt us so hard in adulthood?
Why do we often act much less than we could?
Why is moral support from loved ones so necessary and important to us?
Why do we achieve little or not at all in life what we want?
Fully fulfilling the programs of parents, husband / wife, environment, society, religion.
And even more so, why often we are almost unaware of our true desires. Executing programs of anyone, but not your own.
Today we'll talk about how we get injured in childhood, and how it affects us later in adult life.
We all come from childhood. It is there, from birth to adolescence, that our behavior, habits, stereotypes, forms of reaction, scenarios are laid.
At a very early age, the child does not feel the framework, obstacles, he is clearly aware of his desires - I want to eat, I want to hug, I want to play, etc.
And it's good if dad and mom see and feel these simple childhood desires and fulfill them.
Thus, they realize the child's needs for safety, recognition, love, attention, self-actualization. But this is not always the case.
Dad does not always have time to pay attention to the child - to answer his questions, be with him, play together, teach something or help with something.
Not always the mother, for external care (to eat, to be dressed, washed, etc.), notices that the child clearly lacks love, affection, tenderness. "Go to your room. Don't bother mommy to clean up! You have done your homework?"
If the parents are not doing well in relationships, quarrels, then at this time their attention is switched to themselves.
The child desperately needs sensitivity, participation in his life - he would like to discuss how his day at school went, share his joy or sadness, his experiences.
And the parents are not up to him now, they would have to sort out their relationships, the emotional intensity is great, all thoughts and feelings are there - until the child. And if such situations are frequent, the child feels abandoned, unnecessary, rejected.
Also, parents begin to include a limiting framework: sometimes it is possible, sometimes it is impossible, behave this way, but do not behave this way.
And it is good if this happens tactfully, with explanations why it is so, with patience for the child and attention.
But this is not always the case. Many people had this in childhood:
- Well, he ran quickly and did this and that.
- Want? Yes, you will!
- Why? In a swing! I went and did it.
- Why, why … So it is NECESSARY! And if you have to, then do it.
- Where did you go to rest? Until all the homework is done, the dishes are not washed and the room is cleaned - no rest.
- Tired? Well, nothing, our childhood was worse. Let me not whine here! And then you will get on the priest. Run, run!
The first children's reactions are complaints, crying, throwing toys and other types of protest
Parents, instead of paying attention to the child's crushed needs in order to please the established framework, push more and more on him, more demanding setting restrictions.
And if the child nevertheless adapts to the situation when his life is strongly sticking to the framework: somewhere balancing on laughter, asking for forgiveness from his mother, or, on the contrary, receiving support from his father, where necessary - fulfilling the established framework, where necessary - insisting on his desires, noticing their needs and bringing them to their parents - then such a child will be successful in adulthood.
But the family environment does not always allow for this. Parents can rigidly set boundaries and try to “train” the child as much as possible.
Applying this or that kind of carrot and carrot - punishment (put in a corner, ridicule, hit, disdain, ignore …), handouts (did what we wanted - get a handout). This is exactly (or worse) - they did to them in childhood, and they also do not quite unconsciously act with their children - us.
And the more the child is “trained”, made of him obedient, clearly fulfilling the established framework, the more the very personality of this child is crushed. The less he feels his desires, the less he understands what he does want.
Parents are so comfortable. They are so calmer. It’s better for them to feel in front of other people in society.
If the punishments were quite harsh, and all attempts to protest, defense, defense failed - at some point the little child loses its identity.
It is one of such common forms that parents resort to - value judgments.
The child is assessed - depending on his behavior.
This assessment is necessarily associated with the person himself, and is also often tied to some kind of basic instinct and basic need, and therefore is very effective.
Such appeals are familiar:
- If you don’t jerk me, pester me with questions, then you’ll get cartoons, cookies and sweets.
- Do not expect anything good from me until you stop being lazy, fighting, being rude …
- If you are a good girl this month, do everything that we say - then we will allow you to see your friends on weekends.
- If you respect me, then you will clean the room …
- If you want me to buy you at least something, then at the time when guests come to us, you will behave approximately: sit in your room, go out only when your name is, answer guests' questions and not say stupid things …
- If you contradict me - I will take you into the forest and there I will leave you alone!
- If you love me - then you will help around the house, obey, do homework for the top five …
Basic instincts - safety (fear of being alone), basic needs - the need for love (the desire to be loved by his parents), etc. - break through the child's defense mechanisms, and he loses himself, his personality.
At some point, the child gives up. He is nobody, he can do nothing. Circumstances are stronger than him. His life depends on the environment.
And (in order to survive) a form of response is automatically developed - to please the environment. Then he will be able to somehow live, receive affection, care, attention.
This form of response is repeated many times and is recorded in dynamic stereotypes of behavior.
To do what my mother needs - and then I will receive a portion of attention.
I will do what my father wants from me - and then I can somehow feel good.
I will behave as my parents want me to - and they will love me.
The child merges with the parents: if it is good for them, it will be good for me. His focus is now not on himself, but on significant figures - parents, grandparents, etc. The child loses his personal space, his sense of himself.
He already fully feels and realizes not himself (as a living person with his desires, aspirations, needs), but what he is - based on his actions and the assessment of others.
The child is no more, there is only his behavior and the attitude of other people towards him.
All this is recorded in the subconscious. And little changes throughout life.
After all, growing up, changing consciously, learning a lot of new things, making sense of our life - developing intellectually, we basically change at the level of CONSCIOUSNESS, and very little change at the level of SUBCONSCIOUSNESS.
And it is there that our behavioral models, forms of response to the outside world, attitude towards ourselves and people, self-esteem, and so on are stored.
And now we are already 20, 30, 40 years old, but we still wear most of the subconscious programs in their unchanged form. They influence us, and, unfortunately, we are not aware of them.
Signs that parents have suppressed our personality and identity:
1. Losing yourself in intimate relationships: anticipating desires, tracking your partner's behavior to please him, worrying about what others think of you.
2. The negative influence of the mood of another person on your mood and attitude towards yourself.
3. Assessment of their own value by external criteria: praise, education, money, social.status.
4. Reaction in the form of violent outbursts of fear, resentment, pain, anger - when responding to someone else's opinion and someone else's attitude towards us.
5. Blaming others: accepting people and the world as external to us, those who “do something to us” instead of being aware of their own participation in these situations and aware of their personal problems.
6. We always have an energetic desire to justify ourselves when we hear criticism in our address.
7. We have a need to be always right or constantly consider ourselves wrong.
8. Dependence on others in terms of external convenience and emotional comfort.
9. Inability to express their desires to another person, the expectation that the person should guess himself.
10. Problems with the expression of their desires, thoughts, feelings, which may not please a loved one - for fear of losing the relationship.
11. Failure to easily share something important to you (material things, time, effort …).
A conviction that has grown into a constant expectation: if you give something to a person, then he must in some way return what was given to you. And the subsequent emotional reaction of anger, resentment, hatred, if the expected from a person is not received.
12. Imagining oneself as a righteous person or a sufferer, the point of view - that life is full of pain.
13. Obsessive behavior. An acute need for attention, to be noticed, praised, and appreciated for your qualities.
14. The need to constantly save someone, worry about someone, become too involved in their problems.
15. Maintaining painful, violent, meaningless relationships out of fear or unwillingness to be alone.
If you clearly found some of these signs in yourself, it means that your childhood was very traumatic, and you still carry a load of subconscious programs that have a significant impact on your life
And also the burden of conscious and unconscious negative emotions in relation to parents, peers and other people of the world around us.
And all these are subconscious behavioral programs and emotional upheavals that prevent you from feeling true, having energy for action, positively and creatively contacting the outside world, achieving what you want - being happy.
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