COUNTER-TRANSFER

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This phenomenon is well known to therapists.

Countertransference is the therapist's emotional response to the client's transference

On his expectations. On his needs. On his presentation of himself in a relationship with a therapist

… The client comes to me for acceptance, and acts in a way familiar to him - in the hope of receiving this acceptance

He tries to guess my mood.

Takes responsibility for me, not letting me work.

Controls, even tries to be my therapist.

Afraid that I will be bored with him. Hides, devalues, cheers, competes. Restrains feelings, goes into analysis.

In response, feelings are born in me.

I am bored, I want to save, tyrannize, I laugh in response to jokes and get distracted - this is how it was intended!

In response to hyper-custody, I feel useless.

In response to depreciation - anger, a desire to reject.

This is counter-transference. In therapy, it is customary - having noticed a phenomenon, to track down what suppressed needs cause it, and "take it to work."

So unconscious strategies are realized, revised, new ways of interaction are tried.

However, there is also countertransference in ordinary human relationships.

As in therapy, it is an emotional "response" to the Other's unconscious expectations and, in general, a way to live.

Have you noticed?

For some reason, with one person, you acutely feel your imperfection, for which you become ashamed, With another - you feel guilty - you said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, The third one feels sorry and wants to save, Another annoying, though a nice person, but for some reason I want to beat him down so that he does not suffer.

In life, of course, everything is played out spontaneously, and if there is no skill to reflect, then we simply “play along” with someone else's scenario with the missing link, just like other people play along with us in our scenarios.

They are happy to hang up their responsibility, if you have a habit of taking all responsibility into your hands, They want to save or kill - when you are afraid to make your decisions and want to sit out in the victim, Get angry and rejected in response to depreciation,

They get bored - when you do not have recognition of your uniqueness, They invade borders if they are not marked and there is no right to protect them, etc.

This is already the counter-transference of other people in response to your transference.

So, all the relationship between me and another person is based on my transference (my expectations from the parent figure, aimed at him)

His answer to my transfer, And also on its transfer to me and my answer to it.

And, if you take this into account, you can learn to distinguish where is mine, where is someone else's.

This is very useful for assigning responsibilities.

Of course, you need to take responsibility for your transfer, and give responsibility to the other person for his expectations.

How can you distinguish your “native” contribution to the relationship from your reaction to what the Other makes?

You need to study yourself well, find and listen to your needs, your defenses.

Then you will immediately notice the new, foreign that came to you from the Other.

Veronica Khlebova