2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
And the king is not real!
IN THE FAIRY TALE
Many of you probably remember the tale of G. Kh. Andersen's "The Ugly Duckling".
For me, this is a story about the difficult path of finding my own identity. The ugly duckling, having gone through a series of traumas (rejection, rejection, devaluation) in his life, was able to find his true identity - the identity of a white swan. The Ugly Duckling: In Search of Identity
Basically, the Ugly Duckling is a stigma. He became nasty due to the fact that he was other in the eyes of a rejecting, devaluing society. In a fairy tale in relation to our hero, we observe the reactions of society, charged with impatience for everything that is different, behind which the message is guessed: Be like everyone else!
And it takes a lot of courage to defend your identity in such an unfriendly environment.
To his credit, the Ugly Duckling, despite the tough social press, did not abandon himself and eventually turned into who he was in essence - the Beautiful Swan.
Ugly duckling
Let's imagine the situation that the Ugly Duckling turned out to be more socialized, conformable and obediently followed the advice of his caring environment, who sincerely wished him well.
And there should have been plenty of them (advice) - just have time to memorize! The Ugly Duckling regularly comes across this kind of messages coming from the closest social environment - the inhabitants of the poultry yard. Here are just a few of them:
- Can you lay eggs? She asked the duck.
- No!
- So keep your tongue on a leash!
- Do you know how to arch your back, purr and give off sparks?
- No!
- So do not poke your opinion when smart people speak!
- What's wrong with you?! She asked. - You sit back, here's a whim in your head and climbs! Lay eggs or purr, the nonsense will pass!
Don't be silly, but rather thank the creator for everything that they did for you! You have been sheltered, you have been warmed, you are surrounded by such a society in which you can learn something, but you are an empty head, and there is no need to talk to you! Trust me! I wish you well, that's why I scold you - this is how true friends are always recognized! Try to lay eggs or learn to purr and let sparks!
In short, do not lean out! Listen to what others are telling you! Be like everyone else! Be comfortable! Become what others want you to be! Give up yourself!
Hypothetically, the Ugly Duckling, having abandoned his swan essence in a fairy tale, could have become anyone. If he tried very hard to listen to what "smart people" from the poultry yard advised him, then perhaps he would become a decent Rooster, or a respected Goose, or an honorable Turkey. The only thing he could not become in the described situation is the Beautiful Swan. But would he be happy if he betrayed his swan essence?
IN LIFE
ugly duck
And this is what an untold story looks like …
Earlier, I wrote that the Ugly Duckling finds himself in a situation of a number of chronic developmental traumas that deeply affect the formation of his identity and self-esteem.
This type of trauma is also called narcissistic, as it often leads to the formation of a false identity.
Most often, narcissistic trauma occurs during adolescence. And no wonder. Adolescence is sensitive to identity questions: Who am I? What am I? Here, peers, and not adults, as it was before, become the reference group, those mirrors that the adolescent peers into eagerly, trying to answer these questions. It is they who are during this period the main objects of his traumatization.
Identity issues outlined above during this period are focused around appearance. The most charged question for a teenager is: How do I look in the eyes of my peers? The teenage environment is no less cruel than the bird yard with a rather tough subculture described in the fairy tale. It has its own "roosters", "ganders" and "turkeys", broadcasting the system of group values, setting role models.
Not so important before this period, the parameters of appearance - height, weight, shape of the nose, ears, etc. - become extremely important for a teenager. Even an inadvertently accidentally thrown remark about appearance can leave a painful mark on the soul of a teenager, not to mention a situation of organized bullying, which is often encountered during this period of life.
During this period, a teenager often feels like a "Ugly Duckling". To be different, not like others - means constantly stumbling upon devaluation, humiliation, rejection. And not everyone in such a situation manages to defend their essence and break through to the identity of the "Beautiful Swan".
Identity, as I already wrote above, is the leading personality neoplasm of this age, and it is in this mental sphere that the main problems of the adolescent arise. And not always the adolescent manages to discover and establish himself in his true identity, sometimes there are options for the development of a false identity.
Ugly Duckling
The most typical options for the formation of a false identity are premature and compensatory identity.
Some adolescents, buying into socially approved assessments, betray themselves and choose the false socially acceptable identity of "Rooster", "Goose", "Turkey". They decide to be someone, somehow, but not themselves, thereby, layer by layer, imposing new layers of not-I on themselves. This is an example of a premature identity.
In our described narcissistic trauma situation, the formation of a compensatory identity is a possible option.
A teenager, finding himself in a situation of rejection, humiliation, negative assessment from a significant social environment, experiences mental trauma, being left alone with her. In the analyzed tale, the Ugly Duckling experienced this period as a depression - he retired in a swamp and lived there alone until he met the swans. In another Andersen's fairy tale "The Snow Queen", the boy Kai, who underwent a devaluation trauma (fragments from a distorting mirror of an evil Troll, caught in his eyes and heart), found himself in the icy desert of the Snow Queen - symbolizing emotional anesthesia and alexithymia - the most important signs of traumatization. Modern client portrait: traumatic client
The mechanism that allows you to survive in a situation of chronic narcissistic trauma (but not to live it) is compensation. Compensation - it is a defense mechanism of the psyche, which consists in an unconscious attempt to overcome real and imagined shortcomings. The motivating compensatory attitude of the traumatic, prompting him to action, becomes the following: I will become a cooler "Rooster", "Goose", "Turkey" than you! You will learn more about me! And at this moment, the teenager chooses for himself a life path that leads away from his true self - the path to a false identity.
Often such adolescents, as adults, achieve significant success in life in terms of career, business, status and other social attributes. They are active, energetic and purposeful. They are respected, recognized and outwardly safe.
What's wrong with that, you ask? What's wrong with compensation?
The achievements listed above are signs of external well-being. And behind the seemingly prosperous facade of a traumatic person, doubts, fears, shame and low self-esteem are hidden. His life energy is not connected to the inner sources of the true Self. The activity of such a person is fueled by the energy of trauma and all their successes and social achievements are endless attempts to saturate their low self-esteem.
Impostor Syndrome
False identity temporarily saves you from depression. But no matter how you disguise yourself in goose, cock, turkey feathers, the fear of exposure still remains. Such people often feel like impostors.
Impostor Syndrome - a psychological phenomenon in which a person is not able to interiorize his achievements. They strive in every possible way for achievements, but cannot appropriate them. They are unable to assimilate their positive experience into the structure of the self.
Despite constant external evidence of their worth, people susceptible to this syndrome continue to believe that they are cheaters and do not deserve the success they have achieved. They seem to be in tense expectation all the time that someone will accidentally reveal their true essence of the "Ugly Duckling" and shout: "And the king is naked!" something not real!
Powerful social compensation acts as a defense against toxic shame in order not to face feelings of inadequacy. With all their social achievements and external well-being, there is deeply hidden an aching feeling of the falsity of what is happening and their demonstrated self.
Their image of “I” is split into two polar parts: a successful man / woman (front identity) and a small vulnerable discounted boy / girl. This part of I, carefully disguised from others, is their unacceptable identity.
They are vulnerable in matters of self-esteem and are very sensitive, take everything at their own expense, in a relationship they are competitive and jealous.
They constantly compare themselves to others. Such others have long been not those real people who once offended them, subjecting them to devaluation and humiliation. They have outgrown them for a long time and many times. At the same time, they can never calm down and stop in this pursuit race - the rival whom they catch up with is constantly replaced by another, stronger one. They are constantly looking for and finding for comparison more successful, more authoritative, more status, more … They have a broken scale for comparison and assessment - their assessment of themselves does not go with themselves yesterday, but with another.
In connection with the above, they have difficulties with relaxation, they are always in anxiety and tone.
They never mature personally - internally feeling like this little boy / girl - the Ugly Duckling.
They are trying to do the impossible in this life - to put together the word IDENTITY from the letters O, P, F and A. But in the layout they have, there are not enough letters, and those that exist do not fit.
During periods of crisis of adulthood - crisis of identity - they can become depressed. During these periods, existential semantic questions emerge with particular acuteness in their minds: Who am I? why am I? What am I living for? Am I living my life? Despite the painful nature of such experiences, it is during this period that they are closest to the core of their I and they have a real chance to meet their true identity.
Treatment strategies
The “personality picture” of clients of this type resembles a narcissistic, but unlike narcissists, they are empathic. In addition, they have, despite the external similarity of the manifestations of this picture with narcissistic clients, different origins. A narcissist is a child “used” by adults. The Ugly Duckling has a story of a traumatic - a rejected, devalued teenager. And the therapeutic work with such a client will inevitably revolve around his trauma and directly relate to its working out in the therapy situation.
The therapeutic effect is already the emergence of the very possibility for the client to talk about traumatic experiences to his therapist. Toxic shame for a long time, carefully hidden from others under powerful layers of compensation, as well as other strong feelings that could not be experienced for various reasons at that time - fear, resentment, rage - require their opening and manifestation.
It is also necessary to realize and assimilate socially unacceptable feelings into the image of your Self and allow yourself to manifest them, learn how to get angry, upset, sad …
Another therapeutic strategy is awareness and acceptance of actual reality. As a child, the “Ugly Duckling” was in a situation of bullying without support, and now he habitually does not notice that the situation has changed - there are a lot of friendly-minded people or just neutral people around. And he is no longer a little boy / girl, but a strong, confident adult who, if necessary, is able to stand up for himself and defend his special position.
Special attention is required to work on appropriating a carefully hidden part of your I - the identity of the "Ugly Duckling". A traumatic person constantly betrays his little boy / girl and, because of this, cannot use the energy of this split-off part. The task of the therapist is to help find a resource in the unacceptable part of the self and learn to rely on it. To break through to your swan essence, you should not betray your "Ugly Duckling"
As a result of such therapeutic work to integrate parts of your personality, it becomes possible to experience your I as an integral, balanced and harmonious.
Then "new letters" will appear to build their true identity.
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