2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
Why don't people love themselves? I will not repeat the triviality like, "all the problems from childhood", and so it is clear that yes! This is from childhood. But what to do then?
Magazine columns are full of life hacks on the topic “how to love yourself”: “realize”, accept”,“stop”,“start”. Someone succeeds, I guess. Although I (believe my experience, eyes and ears) tend to see in this rather a kind of surrogate, the cultivation of a successful social mask, "frog skin", when a person is easily deceived, assuring himself that yes! I loved and accepted myself. I demonstrate to the whole world self-admiration and egocentrism, periodically falling into the familiar emptiness and self-flagellation, finding myself without "frog skin", at the slightest bump in my life.
The point is (in my opinion) that you can only accept and love yourself with the help of ANOTHER. Reflecting in it as in a mirror, we form an attitude towards ourselves.
How the ability to love and accept oneself (and then others) is formed:
Through the first significant relationship:
they love me (so) - I love myself (as well as me) - I love the other (as well as myself) - the other loves me (as I do him)
Here is such a simple scheme that fails at the very first stage. And in order to change this vicious circle, it is necessary to return to the first position, which magazine life hacks, recommending “accept yourself”, irresponsibly recommend to slip through. We accept ourselves exactly as we accepted and loved us. Or they didn't. And they did not accept …
Yes, miracles happen, and someone manages to form a different self-attitude on their own, but this requires a lot of awareness, reflection, self-support and an objective look at oneself, which is lacking in positive self-esteem.
But, you tell me, because often the entourage, friends, colleagues so speak about how wonderful, smart, handsome, support you. Why does not it work? I also thought about this. It seems to me that they are simply not trusted. Because they are not the “intimate object” from which acceptance is expected. They cannot be a “conditional mom”.
Which exit? Where to get a "mirror", reflected in which will be an opportunity to accept and love your reflection? There are two options here:
1-if you are very lucky, there is a partner who is able to create what is called a "therapeutic relationship" in which it is possible to warm up, relax, believe him, and finally remove the hated "frog skin". The partner who is capable (!!!) of unconditional acceptance. Such a "surrogate" mother. I will not dwell here in detail on why this is unlikely, and what are the risks of such a relationship, just take my word for it.
2 is the creation of "artificial" relations in which, through certain rules and the creation of a "safe" space, relations are realized on the basis of non-value, acceptance, support.
This is a relationship with a psychologist, reflecting from which, it is possible: 1) to know yourself 2) to accept yourself 3) to love yourself.
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