How To Love Yourself? Why Don't You Love Yourself?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Self-love issues are directly related to a person's self-esteem. How to learn to love yourself again? To begin with, you need to find inside the subconscious the reason that influenced the weakening of sympathy for your inner "I" - at some point in your life you began to put pressure on yourself, and it is very important to understand exactly when this happened. As a rule, people remember first their teenage years, then middle and elementary school, and only then kindergarten and situations related to home education (this is the most difficult to remember). If at school by classmates there was bullying, ridicule, boycotts, collective rejection, all this will certainly affect a person's self-esteem and, accordingly, his love for himself. In addition, parents could further aggravate the situation by “adding fuel to the fire” (for example, comparing the behavior or achievements of their child with other children: “Look, Dima has fives in mathematics! And you are sitting at home, doing nothing!”Such comparisons are deposited in the child's psyche, forming the feeling that he is not loved and accepted.

Why do parents do this? Mainly due to illiteracy in the field of children's psychology. Some look up to the parenting model applied directly to them, others try to show their children with such behavior that they do not accept them, acting "by contradiction" (in fact, every parent wants his child to be better, but not everyone understands how to do it right motivate a little person). As a result, the child perceives similar behavior towards himself as a manifestation of rejection and dislike on the part of the closest people, this feeling is consciously and firmly fixed in his psyche. From that moment on, he believes that love only needs to be earned, then you will be deservedly loved. However, the family was given to us in order to be loved, accepted and appreciated just like that, with all the shortcomings, flaws and irrepressible character.

How else can self-loathing be associated with parents? Mom and Dad did not love and do not love themselves, respectively, because of the rejection of themselves, they do not accept the child. Relatively speaking, low self-esteem is passed down from generation to generation. For example, if a mother saw a deuce in a child's diary, she is first of all dissatisfied with herself, associating her dissatisfaction with the grandmother's behavior and expressing it to the baby.

What else can greatly affect a person's self-esteem and self-love? First love and failed relationship. As a rule, the feeling of first falling in love occurs between the ages of 20-22. If a person is abandoned, he begins to blame himself for this - he did something wrong, problems with appearance (eye color, hair, etc.), the partner did not get what he wanted in the relationship. At this age, people are rarely able to soberly assess a multifactorial situation and understand that in reality it may be associated with the psyche. That is why they take the blame upon themselves, causing another psychological trauma and lowering self-esteem.

How to deal with the situation in general?

1. Forgive all people who could put pressure on the wound (parents, classmates, first love). To do this, you need to remember all the painful situations and each offender (someone tore your backpack, someone threw a pencil case out the window, someone scoffed and looked contemptuously, and someone ridiculed your clothes and appearance). The trauma is deep enough, so it will be painful and scary to remember, right up to tears from feelings of injustice (if this is the case, this is a positive moment in therapy - the psyche unloads the trauma). In addition, the previously experienced emotions must be manifested - resentment, anger, disappointment.
2. Find the right words (or actions) with which you could protect yourself at that moment. At this stage, you need to use your imagination and imagination - imagine that you really did what your subconscious mind tells you now. The psyche will receive tremendous satisfaction from such actions, not as strong as in real actions, but 2-3 repetitions in the imagination may well calm the resentment.
3. See the right reaction (that is, the face of your abuser). For example, imagine that Masha, who threw away your pencil case, suddenly starts crying after some caustic remark from you. Everything that you want to see, you need to try to imagine as vividly as possible.

It is important to understand that all bad actions of people are associated with their mental pain. Typically, those who bully others at school experience parental bullying (both physically and mentally) at home. This behavior is called acting out. The child's psyche cannot endure stress for a long time (having experienced psychological or physical stress at home, he comes to school and throws out his aggression on others in order to relax). Having all the psychological knowledge, it is enough to put pressure on the sore spot of your offender to see his tears, disappointment, sadness and resentment ("You know what? You feel like a failure, they mock you at home, that's why you do it!").

4. Get moral satisfaction, enjoy the moment of your triumph over the offender ("Great, and Masha felt bad!"). Some people follow their offenders on social media and rejoice at their failures and problems. This can satisfy for a while, so it is important to visualize the situation and unload it.

If you are experiencing very deep resentment (but not at the stage of extreme anger), the following practice can sometimes help. Imagine that the abuser apologized to you (What expression on his face did he do this? What did he say? How did he explain his behavior?). This technique is perfect for parents, classmates, first love. However, in general, this is a very difficult and energy-intensive work, because psychologically we are afraid to look into the depths of our trauma, we experience an unconscious fear that we will not be able to cope with the surging pain, therefore, we need the accompaniment of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

How else can you learn to love yourself? Take care of your body first, take care of it, and give the best you can (like a mother takes care of her baby). Quite predictable actions:

- eat right;

- exclude bad habits (tobacco and alcohol kill your body), but do not do it to the detriment of your psyche, feelings, emotional state and mood (if it is really difficult for you to refuse some food, it is better to keep your psyche in a calm state);

- do not sit on rigid diets (one apple for breakfast, lunch and dinner), think about a balanced and harmonious diet; it is better to give up several products (for example, one per month);

- go in for sports, even walking down the street for an hour a day is enough;

- every time, doing something for your body, say to yourself: “Look, I’m doing this for you!”. Thus, you radiate goodness to yourself, and your body accepts it as love.

- accept your body as it is (every fold, wrinkle, flaw in the figure, etc.). Perhaps it is really ugly, there are problems with completeness, but this is all yours, and you have to live with it. As a rule, with food we seize some kind of stress and a lack of positive emotions.

- learn to forgive yourself, rethink all the mistakes that you have made in life ("Well, at that moment, with my knowledge and experience, I could only do this. Now, if the situation repeated, I would have done everything completely differently!");

- accept yourself with all your shortcomings, do not compare yourself with other people (someone has a more beautiful face, but there are problems with deep mental trauma; someone writes beautiful texts, but does not know how to do anything with his hands - each of us has strong and weaknesses);

- constantly learn something new (a person who has mastered knowledge in a new field begins to love himself more and be proud of himself);

- learn to be proud of yourself and no matter that there are still many steps ahead to achieve the goal, because every small step, even the smallest, is already a victory worthy of pride. Definitely, any person has some achievements in a year, five or ten years. Even if it seems to you that you have not done anything in life, look at your life through the eyes of another person. For example, a businesswoman might be jealous of a friend who has a spouse to provide for her. And vice versa.

- take it for granted and love your differences from other people ("Yes, I am such a person, I have such weaknesses, but I live well with them!");

- Drive away self-criticism and do not believe all the thoughts that were formed earlier in your head (especially if in childhood you (or some person you know) were often criticized by others - otherwise, such thinking will develop in your head like weeds;

- figure out what exactly you want in reality (What do you want to try from food? What do you want to wear? What words to say to friends and family? What people in general do you want to communicate with, and which ones to exclude from your circle of communication?);

- stop communicating with people who humiliate, offend and insult you, treat you scornfully and indifferently - they simply suck out your energy. You should not be afraid to get rid of such individuals, it is more terrible to live your whole life with those who will use you for their own purposes. Leave only those who love and accept you, who can support and provide a resource for further movement forward.

- do not let go of your passion and go for what you really like to do; find an activity that will bring pleasure (reading, drawing, communicating with other people - if you get moral satisfaction, then at this moment you love yourself the most);

- look every day for something for which you can be grateful;

- in times of crisis, in painful situations or in a bad mood, be sure to talk with family and friends, who are an additional psychological resource for you and support;

- periodically disconnect from the outside world and withdraw into yourself to search for your own resource;

- find a place where you will feel comfortable (house, cafe, restaurant, park, etc.), be able to fill up with energy and withdraw into yourself;

- don't forget to have fun.

And most importantly, remember that you don't have to be the perfect superhuman, you can be an ordinary person with your own flaws and strengths. What you consider to be a disadvantage, someone else perceives as a huge resource!