I Love You. I Don't Have You Either

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Much has been written about non-reciprocal love and, as a rule, on the part of the lover. A loving selflessly and unconditionally, suffering and thirsty, ready for anything for the sake of love. The image of this very lover is romantic and sympathetic, it is actively used in our culture with the mark “Good”. The image of a breaking up relationship usually has traits of arrogance, narcissism and coldness. It is “Bad” by default. Clients come in both “good” and “bad” images, which they readily hang on themselves and equally need the help of a psychotherapist. Clients are often confused, exhausted, depressed, with a lot of questions piled up in an overheated, confined space of the brain. At the end of a relationship, questions are indispensable. Is it better to quit yourself or be thrown? And why is it actually better? What can be good about a breakup? Why does the feeling of guilt not let go of me, because it was gone from me? Is the relationship already over or not yet? There is some illusion that the relationship ends the moment it is announced. "All dear / dear, I will no longer meet with you / live / raise children / have sex." Completing a relationship is a process. It has its own time, place, duration and participants.

Examples of work

The case of working with a "Good" client … Slava, man, 45 years old. Producer, divorced, has a daughter, 18 years old. Came to therapy with a request: "Help me get over the breakup." At 41, he fell in love with a 20-year-old girl, divorced his wife, and began to live with a girl. After 2 years, she announced the relationship is over. For her, it may be, but the man failed. For Slava, the situation was unbearable. The story ended, only with the help of another man who began to live and date this girl. The fact of the appearance of another man, the client could not ignore. He stopped making attempts to restore the relationship … in reality and completely went into his fantasies. In fantasy, he endowed the image of a girl with supernatural features. Omnipotence, unique beauty, unique combination of their horoscopes, which promises them to die together. Everyone, except for the fact that he stubbornly continued to ignore. There is no more relationship. Every time he remembered the fact of the breakup, he began to sob and repeat the same text "Why so?" It is very important to find the answer to this question. Like in the movie "What Men Talk About".

I at some point found the exact answer to the question "Why?" Do you know which one? "Because"

This question in itself does not carry a semantic meaning. It is brought in, so as not to face their own pain in the "here and now".

When breaking up, if the relationship was valuable and important to the person, he has to go through the stages of living the loss. My client also had it. These are the stages.

The Five Stages of the Mourning Process (Miller):

The shock stage has two stages:

The first stage "Shock" - occurs immediately, lasts about 2-3 days.

The second stage “Crisis of insurmountability” - a feeling of fragility and vulnerability arises. "I can't live without him / her." If this stage is not overcome, at the exit from this stage defensive behavior may develop: - by the type of avoidance (“I don’t want to think about it”); - by the type of denial ("I don't feel anything").

2. The stage of sadness - can last for six months.

3. The stage of compensation for the loss - the appearance of aggression or idealization of the object (or their alternation) is possible. At this stage, relapses of panic and sadness are possible, but gradually the outside world opens up slightly.

4. The stage of identification with the object or with its goals and desires. Contacts with the outside world are being renewed. The behavior of the deceased or the departed is unconsciously copied. A new image of oneself is created, independently standing on its feet.

5. Stage of object replacement. Contact with reality is restored, new connections are established.

The phases can change chaotically. The most important thing is that this is a natural process, and sooner or later it ends. Life without loss is impossible and one of the resources for the client to live this state is the therapist's awareness. It is important that the therapist himself has access to his experience of living the loss and can be presented to them. In all the volume of pain and fear and anger and your own vulnerability. Basically, this function is performed by close relatives and friends. The client comes to psychotherapy if there is no such resource in his environment.

Now about what can happen on the other side of the barricades

A case of working with a "Bad" client. The client is a woman, Katya, 25 years old. Account Manager. Request "Help me build relationships with men." In the process of work, it turned out that she now has a man. Only now he loves her, and she also does not. And he cannot completely break off relations. In this case, the work process focused on the experiences of guilt, shame and … loss. Strange as it may seem, but in fact both lose. Only in the one who leaves the feelings associated with loss are blocked by strong feelings of guilt or shame. Relatively speaking: "What grief and sadness can be, after all, I was the bitch who left, I have nothing to suffer over." The phases of loss in this case have a less pronounced color and duration, but they do exist.

I have used the word "image" several times in this article. Used to emphasize the separation from reality. Meeting with another person in both cases was impossible both physically and due to the characteristics of the personalities of the clients themselves. They have remained a set of projections of one person onto another. Very dense and charged, but in a way that you also have to part with. In my life I had to visit both the "Good" and the "Bad" image. And to drag a silent shadow behind the object of my fiery love, and break off relations, looking into loving eyes. Is this good or bad? I don’t presume to judge. It happened, and there is no guarantee that it will not happen to me again.