How We Interfere With The Grieving

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are many articles on what constitutes a reaction of acute grief. And almost nowhere is it said about how we unwittingly interfere with our loved ones to cope with grief. This is what will be discussed.

Each of us, one way or another, faces loss. This can be not only the death of loved ones, but also a break in love or friendship, a forced change of activity, a move, a serious illness, loss of work or property. Losses have different meanings, sometimes they affect several areas of life at once, and are experienced with more or less difficulties. The process of mourning affects the state of health, existing and possible relationships, productivity, interest in life, in the end.

Most often, acute grief is associated with the death of loved ones or the loss of a relationship. After all, in them we get satisfaction of needs - depending on the type of relationship, different: in love and care, in intimacy and acceptance, in approval and recognition, in safety and comfort, in communication and in belonging to a group. In addition, our relationship is filled with feelings that, when the connection is broken, no longer find the addressee. But our needs are manifested not only in relationships with people. Work also provides us with satisfaction of various needs (food, comfortable housing, respect, belonging to a group, self-realization, etc.). There is no need to analyze in detail every possible case, the main thing is to understand that any loss strikes at the following points:

a) according to our emotional state - after all, we experience acute and painful feelings, and all our energy is now focused on the lost;

b) according to our needs - after all, now we need to look for new ways and new objects for their implementation;

c) according to our self-respect - after all, it always seems to us that we did not cope, did not do everything in our power, could notice alarming signs earlier, could give more care, make more efforts, ask for help on time;

d) a sense of security - after all, something happened that we did not expect and for which we could not prepare, which caused irreparable harm, and now we feel how vulnerable we and our loved ones are in the face of real danger;

e) by our control - after all, we felt how powerless we are to change the situation or even prevent it; how ridiculous are our far-reaching plans and our confidence in a prosperous Tomorrow.

So, in grief, our feelings are not limited only to pain, we can also feel guilt, shame, anger, anxiety. Not all of these feelings are realized and therefore remain inaccessible for living or working out, and this significantly complicates grieving. But that’s not the problem.

The grieving person is almost always faced with the fact that loved ones are not ready to meet his feelings. For example, women often grieve "too long", "too loudly", "too demonstratively." Men in our culture still do not cry, therefore they go through grief in silence and gritting their teeth - outwardly "indifferent". Children with their suffering simply prevent adults from doing their own thing, or they do not even understand what happened. That is, no matter who and no matter how grieved, others are not satisfied with it. The reason is simple: we cannot bear the weight of someone else's grief. Partly because we grieve ourselves. Partly because we feel powerless next to someone in grief. We can’t fix anything, we don’t know what to say, we are angry that the grieving person requires a lot of attention, or vice versa, that he avoids us. In short, we also have difficult and unbearable feelings and want everything to end as soon as possible. And the grieving person feels misunderstood, unnecessary, lonely and abandoned, obsessive, unbearable and wrong.

A translation from the language of helplessness into the language of awareness would sound something like this (and the grieving person fully understands it without a special dictionary):

"Well, how much can you kill", "six months have passed, and you are still crying" means "I am tired, I have run out of patience, I can no longer contact you while you feel so bad."

“Don't cry”, “pull yourself together”, “finally get out of the sad image” means “I don't know how to help you and how to comfort you, I can no longer endure my powerlessness”.

“Stop roaring in front of everyone”, “everyone has already understood what kind of grief you have” means “I have not learned to experience and express my feelings. And it annoys me that you allow yourself to grieve without being ashamed."

"Everything that is done is for the best" means "I have nothing to offer you, so let's think that everything will just work out."

“The light has not converged like a wedge”, “you will have a hundred more of them” means “the value of what has been lost is not obvious to me, and I underestimate it in order to console you.

"Yes, you are only better off without him" means "your choice was bad, you still would not have had the strength to change something, but now everything has been resolved and you should be happy about it."

"Everything is God's will," "God gave - God took" means "in fact, there is someone responsible, possessing absolute power and beyond the reach of a call to account."

"God endured and told us" means, "there is a canonical level of torment, this particular case does not reach it."

"Say thank you for not …" means "it could have been worse, then it would have been worth suffering like that."

"I'm sorry" means "this phrase is always said in the movies, and I don't know what I'm sorry for."

I think the point is clear. Because of our own anxiety and helplessness, we begin to fuss, invent advice and tips, express our opinion about what happened, marvel at other people's reactions, accuse of weakness and incriminate in inaction.

Do not interfere with grieving. Do not devalue, do not shame, do not rush. Don't overcomplicate what is already barely bearable. Burning is a long and complex process that cannot be stopped, delayed, or accelerated. It has its own milestones to be completed and tasks to be completed.

The help the therapist provides depends, on the one hand, on the stage of mourning. So, at the stage of shock (from 7-9 days to several weeks) the therapist returns to reality, helps to overcome the denial of loss, its significance or irreversibility. At the search stage (5-12 days), the therapist gives information about what is typical and normal for this period - for example, forget about what happened, hear and see the deceased in a crowd. At the third stage, the actual acute grief (up to about 40 days), the therapist listens and asks questions, helps to realize, express and live all the feelings that arise. This period is the most difficult. At the recovery stage (up to 1 year), grief has a paroxysmal nature, help may be required at certain times (on "bad" days; on holidays and significant dates; in a situation where the loss is felt especially strongly). The therapist can help switch attention to others, relationships with them, shift focus from the past to the future. At the final stage (1-2 years), the client, with the help of the therapist, finds new meanings, activities, plans his future life, accepting what happened as an experience.

On the other hand, the stages of mourning do not always follow strictly one after the other, they are not clearly delineated and may be absent altogether. Therefore, grief is considered not only from the point of view of reactions and their successive change, but also from the point of view of the tasks being solved. According to Vorden's concept, the grieving person must solve four problems: to accept the fact of what happened; get over pain; to improve those areas of life that have suffered from loss; build a new emotional attitude to what was lost and continue to live on. The therapist helps in solving these problems.

There is no right way to deal with grief; everyone deals with it the way they can. And regardless of how the specific process of grief unfolds and how exactly the grieving person lives it, the therapist remains a reliable figure and provides a resource that can be relied on and which is often lacking for loved ones: patience, attention, warmth, confidence that grief is possible. live through. If you can't stand the heat, try to attract outside help. Find a specialist and offer to contact him.

How can you help if you have the strength?

Just be there and listen. Offer help, clarify which one is required, perform simple everyday tasks. And listen again. And be close.