I-Mailing Rules

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The ability to communicate with people is a commodity, and I will pay for this skill more than for anything else in the world. J. Rockefeller

A good format of communication between loved ones, which in many ways prevents conflicts and the emergence of mutual grievances, is the "self-message". "I-message" is an appeal in which a person informs the interlocutor about his state, feelings and desires without blame and pressure. Often the “I-message” sounds like a gentle request.

The rules of "I-message":

• The self-message should start with positive feelings, even if you are offended. For example, you can say: "Dear, I really appreciate your concern, but now it is very unpleasant for me (painful, insulting) to hear …".
• The self-message should be without reproach or accusation. For example, not “you touched me”, but “I am offended to hear such words”. Use the words "I feel bad", not "you are bad."
• I-message excludes pressure and manipulation. Note that the words: “You have finally come! I could not sleep because of your absence”are perceived as pressure and manipulation.
• I-message is expressed as your subjective point of view. For example, not "your tattoo is terrible," but "I don't like tattoos."
• I-message with elements of criticism should contain instructions in which you must communicate exactly what you want from your partner. For example, give this instruction: “I get upset when I see unwashed dishes in the sink. Please wash the dishes after yourself."
• The self-message is formulated as an open request. If you need something from your partner, instead of “You should…” say “I am asking you…” or “I have a proposal for you”.

The following form of expression has proven itself well:

• First, communicate your feelings and emotions.
• Tell me what action / event triggered these emotions.
• Explain why this action triggered this reaction.
• Make it as clear as possible what you want from your partner.
• Advise about your intentions (this step is optional, but sometimes you should use it).

Example: [1] I am angry [2] because I had to wait so long for you in the rain. [3] I was very cold and wet. [4] I want you to warn me in advance that you will be late. [5] If you are late again, I will not wait for you.

“I-message” differs from “you-message” in that it does not contain a negative assessment of another person or accusations. "You are the message" would sound something like: "You are unbearable, you are constantly late, you never think of me." In the classic version, "I-message" does not contain the pronoun "you".