Bad And Ugly Mothers: How To Survive And Start Living?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We are rooting for parents and recovering for ourselves and for our children. Physical, mental and psychological disorders, all types of addictions in an adult are most often associated with a problematic experience of relationships with a mother.

What are the options for the so-called negative mother?

Alarming, controlling and punishing

The most common variant of mothers in Russia. Of course, there were reasons for this, and there are many of them now, but the child does not need constant nibbling. Mothers with great energy, resilient and wishing their children a better life. At the same time, chronically violating the boundaries - "all yours is mine."

"Jewish"

Moms with sore motherhood and flooding the baby with love. They see only their love for the child, infantilize children. Mothers who revel in the power over the child with a huge amount of their own selfishness and the child's jealousy for other people - "you won't get away from me alive."

Infantile

Non-adult mothers who give birth to a child with the expectation that he will love and care will take the place of her mother. Those who drive out an unlucky husband in order to put a son or daughter in his place. Requiring the child to express unconditional devotion.

Seeking men

Moms who are more feminine than maternal. Moms focused on men and not able to take care of the child. Moms disappointed in their personal lives and directing aggression at the child.

Schizophrenogenic

They absorb many of the above. Their specificity is constant double bindings - "stay there, come here." Devoid of consistency and unpredictable.

Depressive (dead)

Mothers in post-traumatic anesthesia and numbness who did not survive the grief. They do not hear their child, unseeing, heavy, oppressive gaze. Moaning, with sadly depressed faces, with masks of suffering on their faces.

You can go on, but I will end with examples of the most common images of a negative mother in language and culture: She-wolf, Bear, Spider, Octopus, Squid, Witch, Stepmother, Swamp, Cave.

What prevents separation (separation) from the mother?

Fear of autonomy

Whatever happens in life (disappointment in men, illness, domestic disorder, material difficulties, fatigue from life), you can return to your mother. She will show concern. If he does not regret, then at least he will punish and most likely will not kick him out. Will cling, control, give advice. Along with this, feed, drink for your retirement and will not put you out the door. It’s bad with her, but there’s nowhere to go, no one to go to. She is the only native person, all other strangers and indifferent.

Guilt

Feeling like an ungrateful bad daughter / son. Mom lived a hard life, she is lonely, needs help, sighs, cries, is ill, walks badly, does not sleep … - “Well, what kind of bastard I am, if I forget about all this and think about myself”.

Waiting for maternal support and help

Hope to receive love and warmth, which were not received in childhood. In many families, not that there was no habit of showing kind feelings to children, but also a ban on showing love. Instead, a completely irrational anxiety to jinx it with love, fears "that something might not happen."

General guidelines for going out on an independent life without a mom

Mother's love can become a curse when the mother's boundless affection turns into a heavy burden on the child's neck, thereby stopping him from growing up. The cradle becomes a cage. We come into the world with our mother, but we die alone. Between these two events, the child's fantasy of safety must gradually fade away until the child is strong enough to be held accountable for his decisions. (Ginette Paris "The Wisdom of the Mind").

Staying with your mom means not living your life. This is what one should be afraid of most of all, and not look out for dangers beyond the threshold of the mother's house. No matter what happens in the outside world, no matter what trials await you there, no matter what villains lie in wait around the corner, it will be YOUR life, YOUR growing up and YOUR future.

So:

• Phoned no more than once a week (by the way, you have to call … in Siberia it is already frosty, but the heating is normal and in general everything is fine, you can continue).
• Everyday: Getting enough sleep, cooking and feeding yourself, taking care of your health, cleaning your home, organizing leisure activities and celebrations.
• Go to dad. Of course, not always literally, he may be from a number of absent fathers (drinking, walking, none, deceased), but no one except the father or the father's figure will save him from his mother. Going to your father means remembering, returning him to yourself, and also going to people, to society, to business. As you get stronger, it will be easier to forgive him. Accept not only that he is your father, but also that you are his daughter / son with all the ensuing consequences.
• Determine the debt. Mom, and even my father, is for breeders from the bank with obsessive loans. You do not have to return anything to your parents, the child only takes to fill and enter adulthood. Parental debts are paid to your children or to the world if you are rich and capable.
• Of the debts to your mother, you only have a debt of gratitude. Without an admixture of resentment, anger, guilt, etc. It is worth thinking about this separately and feeling what is in your soul.
• If you are still weak, fearful and not independent, despite the age of 30-40-50 years, then accept the sad fact that Mom won't give you anything else … Do not wait, do not hope, do not ask, do not get sick, do not ask for care, do not complain and do not whine - childhood is over. A mother can become a grandmother if she is psychologically mature enough, but she will no longer become a mother from your childhood.
• If depression, do not see the point, have lost hope, do not believe, do not love anyone except mom, then it’s time to call and make an appointment with a psychologist. He will be the third in your tandem with your mother, the third, but not superfluous. He will add a fly in the ointment to your barrel of candied honey, tell you a lot of unpleasant things, and will do it regularly until you start eating adult food and until you start an independent adult life without longing for your mom. The psychologist will become the object of your hatred, the addressee for claims, but you will stop attacking yourself and after a while you will notice that life is entering a new round

The topic is difficult, in my experience it is the most difficult and time-consuming.

Here I will end with a comment by K. G. Cabin boy:

Closely familiar to everyone and at the same time incomprehensible, like Nature itself, lovingly tender and at the same time cruel like fate, a happy and indefatigable giver of lives - mater dolorosa and a silent and merciless gate that opens before death. Mother is mother's love, my experience and my secret. Why talk a lot and, moreover, false and unrelated to that human being who was our mother, an accidental bearer of a huge experience, including her and me, and all of humanity, and even all of created nature, the bearer of the experience of life, whose children we are are we? This has always been and will be discussed; but a sensitive person cannot with complete justice load the enormous burden of meaning, responsibility, responsibility, heaven and hell on the shoulders of a weak, error-prone human being - a being so worthy of our mother's love and indulgence, understanding and forgiveness … We must take it off without hesitation a terrible burden on the human mother, both for themselves and for her sake.