Different Mothers Are Needed, All Kinds Of Mothers Are Important

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Where do we get our "dissatisfaction" with mom and parents? Do we really know from childhood how many "kilograms" of care we need, how many "tons" of attention, how many "millions" of kisses? Where are these numbers? Of course, everything is in comparison. If we lived on a desert island, we would not know - what other mothers are there in the world? We would have an idea that mom is alone, and she is the one that should be, that is, she is ideally suited to me (look - not “ideal”, but “ideally suited”!)

At the family therapy training, a participant, a woman in her 50s, brags about her “achievement” - finally, her mom has started kissing her!

The woman enthusiastically talks about this and does not understand - why no one congratulates her, why there is no applause? On the contrary - he sees embarrassed smiles, sympathetic glances - what's the matter? - isn't this the result of many years of training, psychotherapy? Indeed, one can only sympathize with this woman - how much energy, strength, inspiration she spent not on relations with her husband, with children, for which one could say to her: Well done! It's not in vain! - No! - she made sure that her mother finally began to kiss her - and now what? - well, of course, you can set a goal even further - to teach mom to do what she lacked in childhood, and - you see - life will pass like this, it will go to the upbringing of mom.

What's the use? - all the same, after all, you can't bring your childhood back, because kisses, cares, etc. were not enough for that girl from childhood. But that girl has already grown up, this is what she is - unloved, uncared for, unkissed, well - now the task is with this baggage, which she received from her parents, to try to arrange relationships, raise children. But, unfortunately, often there is no time and effort for this - everyone went to "showdown" with my mother …

Before me is a young girl, a woman of 28 years old, very attractive, tells her story - a wonderful husband, beloved, everything is fine - live and be happy, but - after the birth of a child she has neither the strength nor the desire to be with her husband, emptiness inside, fatigue, feels deeply unhappy. We begin to understand - what turns out to be? - she is simply corroded by resentment against her mother, about how her mother raised her incorrectly, the woman complains that in childhood she was allegedly a “rejected” child by her mother. I look at this clever, beautiful woman and cannot understand how she could grow up so beautiful, marry for love, give birth to a child and at the same time be rejected by her mother in childhood. But - after all, unfortunate! - assures the girl. Of course, I agree - if you were happy, how would your mother know that her upbringing is wrong? But - to sacrifice your happiness in order to once again reproach your mother, to seek her repentance - why this masochism?

Another similar example. A 32-year-old woman complains:

“I have a terrible relationship with my own mother.

In the most difficult moments of her life, she was never there, never morally supported, only criticized, humiliated. Moreover, she always saw me as a rival and always interfered with my personal life. As a solution to the problem - I married a foreigner, and now we have a 3 month old son. I recently returned to my hometown, to the house where my mother lives. A month later, my mother suddenly started a scandal and kicked out of the house with a child in her arms …"

We see that a woman behaves as if she is a child, an offended girl, continuing to show her mother that she expects a different behavior, a different reaction from her, but - paradox - nothing changes, but, on the contrary, gets worse. But she got married, gave birth to a baby - where is her husband, child, what place do they occupy in her life? Or does she have one task in her life - to re-educate her mother? Sad. Because it's hopeless. Mothers do not re-educate themselves, and even if - suddenly - they change - then it is not for us, not so that my mother and I can live happily ever after.

Our happiness is in our new family, which, thank Gd (and including mom) exists, is where we need to solve problems, raise a husband, children - they have been waiting for a long time, they will not wait, there will be enough work for a long time … And After all, this woman is my mother's daughter, why not take what is from my mother, even if not the best - what she criticizes, humiliates and go to correct these qualities in her family?

After all, you can and should "fight" with your mother in a completely different way - within yourself - after all, we are mother's continuation - won't we deny it? We have good mother's traits, but, of course, there are also disadvantages that we inherited. Some, however, may argue - they say, they do not look like their mother at all - this is slyness. They just prefer to “close their eyes” to the similarity, in order to deal not with themselves, but with their mother … So, let's correct mother's shortcomings, but in yourself, you will see how difficult it is, and then you will have sympathy and understanding of your mother.

In the beautiful film "Autumn Sonata" by Bergman, just a similar situation is told - two sisters, already adults, one has been married for a long time, still live in grudges against her mother, everyone hopes that she will change her attitude towards them … at this time the husband of the eldest sisters long and patiently waiting for his wife to finally turn to him, will "live" with him, and not "with mom" …

I remember when I was a child, when I was visiting a friend, I saw her mother kissing, hugging, affectionate with her, I dreamed about the same with my mother, I asked: "Gods, why is my mother not like that?" But when I suddenly imagined that my mother would be so affectionate with me, I was very scared, I felt that it would not be my mother, but a stranger, some kind of fantastic, from another world, from another planet, and I don't know - how to behave with such a mother, how, in what language to speak to her?

It seems to me such a picture - the soul of a child looks from above and chooses - in whose tummy to fall into, in which family is it best to get? And, of course, I think that she chooses the most suitable one for herself. But she still has the opportunity to compare from above, to choose the “most ideal” one. And such, by the way, are there?