What Stops Life. Shame

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The cheeks and ears are burning, the head is pounding.

It is difficult to look at other people, especially in the eyes.

The voice is quiet, barely audible, the words are illegible, the meaning is subtle.

Movement is minimal, the body is stiff and inactive.

Emptiness in the head, it seems that there are no thoughts.

Sensation of viscosity, fog.

All of these manifestations indicate that a person is ashamed or embarrassed.

I think that the feeling of shame, like, indeed, all other feelings, can be useful in a number of cases. For example, if you stop yourself from peeing in the playground in the sandbox like that. It becomes harmful when shame is accompanied by almost any human activity, regardless of the situation and context. And as an extreme degree - the feeling of their complete worthlessness, shame for their existence.

For example.

• It is shameful and indecent to demonstrate feelings (laughing and talking loudly, crying, screaming, etc.).
• It is a shame to attract attention to yourself, to stand out, to be bright.
• It's a shame to take up a lot of space and time.
• It's a shame to be proud of yourself, your achievements.
• It's a shame not to know something, not to be able to.
• It is a shame to make a mistake, an oversight.

The list can be expanded if desired.

I think I have painted enough of how shame manifests itself. Now I'll tell you about how and why shame can stop living your life.

Experiencing shame suggests that I will be disgusting to those who notice me. And disgust is a feeling aimed at increasing the distance up to rejection. In other words, feeling ashamed, I expect that they will turn away from me, leave, and I will be left alone. If the feelings of abandonment, rejection are unbearable, then I myself will hide from people and push them away, just in case. And here the feeling of shame, or more precisely, the fear of experiencing shame and causing rejection, helps in the best possible way. How does this happen?

Very simple. I turn down, I minimize my activity, so that I am not ashamed, noticed, condemned, and rejected. As a result, I am left alone. Because who will notice me if I'm hiding? Sometimes they still notice that it can please, and maybe frighten. In case of fright, I will give out such a reaction that others will most likely recoil from me, confirming my idea that something is wrong with me.

Gradually, it turns into an uncontrollable process, where I depend on the interest of another. After all, I do not approach anyone myself. All my thoughts are about whether someone will come up first or not, will they turn or not? If they pay little attention, which usually happens, then you can fall into even greater shame and the experience of your worthlessness, and to become stronger in the thought that I am not interesting, everything that I do is not interesting. Such thoughts and sensations do not evoke the energy and desire to do something. There is even less activity and action, and there are also fewer responses that refute my insignificance. Life freezes more and more. The circle is closed.

Is it possible to reverse the fading process, cope with shame and fear of shame, live a full life? Can.

Entering the experience of fear of shame is the curtailment of one's activity in anticipation of a negative assessment, condemnation, rejection, and disgust in relation to me. The exit - in the same place as the entrance - is a notice of the positive assessment, support, acceptance, closeness that people feel for me. You need to return activity to yourself, turn to people and notice their attitude towards yourself.

I will give an illustrative example that is very often encountered in my practice when working with shame and fear of shame.

A person is afraid to speak in front of an audience / appeal to colleagues / show his picture to friends, because he will be laughed at. He very picturesquely talks about his fears and assumptions, recalls cases of embarrassment from childhood and adolescence. I ask you to recall a recent situation where there were similar experiences, and I ask how the audience / colleagues / friends looked and reacted? In 9 out of 10 cases, a person is surprised and replies that he does not know, he did not look at them, but was focused on himself and his fears. In 1 and 10 cases, he says that people looked friendly, but he does not believe them.

What is the conclusion from this? By protecting myself from rejection, I deprive myself of acceptance. My environment can fight for years and prove to me how smart, beautiful and kind I am, that I am loved and appreciated, but if I do not look at them, do not notice their reactions, do not believe them and devalue their words, I will consider myself stupid, a terrible, angry woman that no one can love. Except me, no one can help me think otherwise, because I do not leave other people the slightest chance to convince me otherwise.

Again, it is in noticing the reactions and feedback from others that the way out of the experience of shame is found. When I notice their attitude and believe my impression. Shame is a social feeling. It appears in relationships with other people, in relationships and is resolved. Permitted when I take risks.

Through embarrassment and fear, I look into the eyes of another person and see there a kind attitude and warmth. I listen to his words of support and allow myself to believe them. Just for a second.

When I respond to the words of my beloved “You are beautiful” with embarrassment and pleasure, believing them. Let it be for two seconds. Instead of the usual “Why are you sucking up to me? Do you want something?"

When I am promoted, I regard it as a recognition of my merits and am proud of myself. Even for three seconds. Instead of the usual thoughts that "I can't handle it, he just doesn't know what a terrible worker I am, but now he'll know for sure!"

With every comment of positive feedback, with every compliment accepted, with every new thought that I’m great, the shame and fear diminish. It’s easier to show up and take risks. To live is freer and freer.

I think the psychologist's office is one of the best places to risk taking the first steps through embarrassment, fear and shame. Open, show yourself to another person. In return, get acceptance, see interest in yourself. Believe in them. And into yourself.