2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"Why is he doing this to me?"
The more we delve into the motives of another person's behavior, the further we are from the truth. We stumble over our own interpretations, make mistakes, and continue on the wrong route.
We know so little about the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to us that we easily succumb to manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Violations of personal boundaries do not happen overnight or overnight. The partner does not change "abruptly". This is a lot of small interventions that have not been noticed by us, which means they have not been stopped.
Why don't we sound the alarm in time? Why do we not see the obvious and wake up when they walk on the territory of our soul in dirty tarpaulins?
We come into relationship with an inner set of beliefs and rules that we absorb through observing others and through childhood experiences.
Tell me, how many of you have never heard the phrase that "I" is the last letter in the alphabet? The phrase comes from a "happy" childhood, only over the years the position of our "I" does not change its place. All in the same place - grazing the rear.
Or these are the messages.
“Don't you dare close the doors to your room. Buy an apartment and do whatever you want there."
"You want to."
"Don't contradict me."
“We are trying for you, and you don’t give us a penny. Family is sacred."
“At your age, I was afraid to say a word to my parents. Aren `t you ashamed.
"If you want a lot, you will get little."
"Don't fool your head."
These are our first ideas about where we belong and what our desires are worth. We absorbed them even if we didn't strongly agree with them. We closed our eyes to what we disliked, feeling bodily and emotional discomfort.
Well-functioning boundaries are an important foundation for mature relationships.
The most insidious belief that is possible in a relationship is the belief that you need to go to any lengths to preserve them, that you need to endure and sacrifice yourself.
There should be no sacrifice in a relationship. What is the highest goal in this? Become tougher, thicker-skinned and more pliable? Happiness does not consist of these ingredients.
This is a dead end for adult relationships. We betray ourselves if we say that the concession is irrelevant. We betray ourselves when we think we're wrong. We abandon ourselves when we admit injustice to ourselves, in fear of offending another. We have time for ourselves when we decide to be patient now in the hope that something will change later.
Why should "something" change? Why should a partner change something if we are silently enduring injustice? Everything works: he pushed through the border -
gave in. A universal scheme, and most importantly, it works.
Don't be fooled by stories that your partner's behavior is the result of a difficult childhood or a hyperfunctional mom. What is happening now in our relationship is more relevant to us than it seems. If our boundaries are ignored in the family, then we are responsible for the fact that we could not stop it in time and did not make a decision to get out of unwanted contact. The lack of a solution is also a choice. The choice to continue the relationship without respect, love, friendship.
It makes sense to turn the question to yourself. Not “why is he doing this to me?”, But “why am I allowing him to do this to me? Why do I continue to endure? What price do I have to pay for this?"
If the balance of "give-take" is disturbed in a relationship, then the greater responsibility for this is borne not by the one who gives less, but by the one who continues to give in excess of "for the sake of the family", depleting his own resources. Unwillingness to step back, passive behavior, inability to share responsibility for what is happening with a partner, tightens the noose around the family's neck even tighter. Intimacy and love are not possible where we do not feel safe.
A space where there is no way to say a resolute “no” to what makes you suffer cannot be called a “family”.
Border protection is not about talking about how you can or cannot do with us. These are decisive actions, stopping contact and quarantining in a relationship until the partner returns to environmentally friendly communication and begins to comply with agreements.
What can be done here?
1. Take time out
Stop contact. As a rule, the aggressor acts suddenly and requires a quick decision, a quick reaction to his behavior, making it impossible to collect his thoughts. Convey to your partner the idea that you can give up family, love, shared values, even if it hurts a lot. But you will not be able to stay with him as long as he continues to behave like that.
2. Internal honesty
Think about what limiting belief is making you give in and endure. If you are afraid of offending your partner by refusing to do what he wants, then it's time to say out loud what makes you angry and offending. Stop looking around, do not look in other people's eyes for an answer to the question of what can or cannot be done with you. This answer is within you. Name the feeling, associate it with the action that triggered it and observe. Don't associate with feeling, just watch.
3. Inner determination: "I can stand it."
It's about being able to withstand your partner's response to your resistance. If there are few internal resources, you should seek help from a specialist or ask for help from loved ones.
4. Make a decision about what to do next
Decision options: leave, accept or change the situation. No other is given. If you decide to leave everything as it is, then do not ask any more the question "why is he doing this to me?"
5. Non-defensive actions
When you feel that you clearly know what you want, and also feel confident that you can adequately meet and withstand the resistance of your partner, move on to action. You do not need to defend yourself and make excuses, go to the discussion of agreements. Neither partner, nor the world, no one else can do anything with you that you do not consider yourself worthy.
You are responsible for what others can do about you. You exchange agreements and mark the boundaries of what is permitted, without which it is impossible to go into life together.
If your relationship is like a hug with a broken ribcage, then it’s not the partner who’s squeezing you that needs to be treated, but the broken ribs. You can endure the pain indefinitely, but it will remind you of itself every time, even if your partner hugs gently. You need to be patient: either endure when it hurts, or withstand the resistance of your partner, resolutely refusing the "hugs" that cripple your health.
Recommended:
Victims Of Emotional Abuse (Part 2). Varieties Of Manipulations
All people lie. And yet all people manipulate each other to a greater or lesser extent to achieve their personal goals. The goals may be different, but the meaning is the same - to force the other to do what the manipulator needs to the detriment of personal interests.
Emotional Abuse Traps
Some women, after 2-3 years of marriage, realize that their relationship is painful. Some think about divorce, others do not even realize that they live under the yoke of emotional violence from a man. How does emotional abuse destroy a woman's personality and what traps does she fall into in order to preserve the relationship at all costs?
"Not Touchy Women" And "patient Men". Emotional Abuse Tolerance. Victim Selection
Kitchen. Evening. He and she are trying to make dinner. - What are you spreading your hands here like a fool! Get away! .. Bring it! … Give it! .. - Yes, now, don’t shout, don’t you see, I’m busy … Now I’ll come and do it. One gets the feeling that his words do not hurt her.
Implicit Abuse In Relationships. Part 1. Physical Abuse
I wrote an article about sex, and in it the topic of "implicit" violence, "implicit" aggression was so vividly highlighted that I decided to put it into a separate article. Here we are talking about adult male-female relationships.
Emotional Abuse And How To Deal With It
Emotional violence, it sounds very scary and not every woman understands that this applies to her. Symptoms that point to this: irritation, resentment, no strength at all for what you want. And perhaps not at all desires and enthusiasm.
