2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Some women, after 2-3 years of marriage, realize that their relationship is painful. Some think about divorce, others do not even realize that they live under the yoke of emotional violence from a man. How does emotional abuse destroy a woman's personality and what traps does she fall into in order to preserve the relationship at all costs?
What is included in violent behavior?
● anger
● unfounded accusations
● condemnation
● criticism
● lack of explanation and denial of their behavior
● dominance
● control
● oppression of the victim
Of course, all of the above points affect the personality of a woman. The purpose of emotional abuse is to destroy the partner's personality and the consequences can be very dire.
Being with an emotional rapist under the same roof, a woman gradually begins to get used to such an attitude towards herself, the devaluation of her needs and desires and believes what she hears. Namely, that her needs are not important. Anger and blame make a woman feel confused and lead to a misunderstanding of what is going wrong. A woman begins to look for a problem where, in fact, it does not exist - in herself. In such a relationship, a woman is deprived of the right to freedom, to live without fear and threats, loses self-confidence, kills self-esteem.
In the end, any action directed at oneself is banned and the victim gives his abuser the right to completely and completely control his life.
Disintegration of personality
Integration is a state of a person in which his needs, actions, thoughts are in harmony with each other. That is, actions do not contradict thoughts, but thoughts do not contradict actions. A person feels confident, harmonious, successful, in a sense calm. When a person's thoughts are emotionally abused, their needs are threatened and subjected to doubts and criticism. That is, there is a serious discord between what a woman thinks about herself and what her partner says about her. How does this happen? The wife cleans the house, for example, vacuuming. The disgruntled husband tells her: "You are doing wrong, or you bother me, go to another place, or you besides this more and can not do anything …". All these phrases discourage the victim and make them look at themselves from the other side, to doubt that she is doing the right thing and that she is good. Well, the ill-wisher would tell her about it, but her partner, her beloved person, tells her about it. Therefore, a woman begins to believe him, and not her ideas about herself, she is increasingly visited by thoughts that she is wrong, she is doing wrong, that it is she who needs to fix everything.
Such thoughts lead a woman to traps, which will be described below.
Trap 1. Tomorrow will be different. The victim often thinks that the next day "he will calm down, stop doing this, everything will change for the better …". This is self-deception. Moreover, the less love and the more threats to their well-being the victim receives, the more she hopes that tomorrow everything will change.
Trap 2. Behave and then my partner will change. The victim thinks that by showing his partner an example of exemplary, correct behavior and respectful attitude, the partner will change and understand everything. What does the rapist think at this time? Only with every correct behavior of a woman is he convinced that his harsh methods bear fruit. A person who achieved his yesterday and the day before yesterday, namely domination, control, submission, will achieve his goal in the same way every subsequent day. Therefore, tomorrow will be the same as today.
Trap 3. Perhaps this is something wrong in me, I will correct myself, and my loved one will be happy. If a woman has such thoughts, it means that her husband has already managed to instill in her responsibility for all actions, deeds and even his mood. Therefore, she thinks that if she corrects all the mistakes and thereby shows how much she loves her partner, everything will change. This is cheating, as her partner, being an emotional abuser, will never be happy with the behavior of their victim.
Trap 4. You need to talk to him and then everything will work out. A woman falling into this trap of violence thinks she needs to talk to her partner to convince him of her best aspirations. She also believes that once he realizes that she loves and appreciates him with all her heart and is ready to do anything for him, his behavior will change and he will become good. This is a big misconception. Such thoughts, on the contrary, will not bear fruit and will keep the woman and the rapist together for many years without the opportunity to break off this relationship.
Pitfall 5. You can not show the pain that my partner is causing me. “If you are in pain, then you are a victim,” the woman thinks and is deeply mistaken. Because behind her silence, she hides true feelings, and the partner at this time thinks that this is how it should be, that everything is in order. The abuser is then given the green light to inflict pain over and over again.
Trap 6. I have to come to terms with this. There can be many variations of this trap: “I have to get used to such treatment”, “I deserve only this treatment”, “this is the best that I can deserve” and others. A partner can convince a woman that she takes his behavior to heart, that she is overly emotional, and she succumbs to this conviction. But in reality, both partners should treat each other with respect.
After reading about these 6 traps, the question arises: “What to do with this? How to find in yourself strength and support get away from a destructive relationship? There are several guidelines.
- Recognize this relationship. Many women do not believe until the last that this could happen to them and that under the same roof with them is just such a person, a cruel manipulator, an egoist and an emotional rapist.
- Stop hoping your partner will change. If this has not happened in the entire history of your relationship, and none of the above methods (traps) have worked, tomorrow and in a year this will not happen either.
- Discard all attempts to remake your partner. Emotional abusers generally don't change. They are used to achieving their goal only in the ways that are available to them, they do not know others. Your attempts to change the other will not lead to anything good.
- Keep an observation diary. There you will write down everything that the abuser tells you and analyze the situations that have arisen. This will help you respond more constructively to his words while you are in this relationship.
- It is very difficult to cope with this situation alone. Therefore, enlist the support of your family and friends, those people you trust, to whom you can talk about your pain, and who will support you in your quest to leave such a relationship.
- Take care of yourself, not just the support group. Treat yourself to something pleasant (massage, manicure, buy new clothes), learn how to breathe properly in stressful situations, sign up for a hobby club, make an appointment with a friend, go to the theater. This is necessary in order to raise your self-esteem, switch, calm down, find resources in pleasant little things in order to open a second wind to overcome difficulties.
- Be financially independent from your partner. It is very difficult to leave a relationship and become free when you are in the full care of your husband. Take a job if you haven't already.
- Accept that you always have a choice - go or stay. And your choice does not depend on the decisions that your partner will make, no matter how he manipulates you, presses on pity, or, conversely, threatens.
- Understand what kind of relationship you really want. What should be your partner and how should you treat you? Write down these qualities.
- Sign up for a training on protecting personal boundaries. It is important for you to learn how to protect yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually. In order to get rid of the violence, it is necessary for your partner to acknowledge your personality boundaries. Perhaps, in the formation of boundaries, you will have to physically separate your partner from yourself (by moving from him for a while, if possible).
- Emotionally abusive relationships cannot be ended once and for all a day. In this situation, the help of a good psychologist or psychotherapist is important. I will be glad to help you solve this problem!
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