SPEAK, RED HOOD, DON'T BE Silent! (INCEST, VIOLENCE, PEDOPHILIA)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

Today I will write on an uncomfortable topic for most - child abuse, incest and pedophilia. The topic is taboo, as it is inconvenient for all participants in this process - the rapist, victim, observers, accomplices.

Yes exactly. It seems to us that there are only two figures in this event - the rapist and the child. But it only seems so. In fact, there are many more of them. And from this it becomes scary. And the most important thing is that none of the participants wants to speak, cannot and will not, so it simply turns into one word "Mystery", and hides deep to the bottom and becomes covered with silt.

But I will talk about it.

Before I became a psychologist, I watched Dmitry Karpachev's program "Lie Detector" more than once. Its meaning was that the main character of the program spoke with a psychologist, talked about his life story, and underwent a polygraph. The relatives of the protagonist came to the program itself, and already with the whole studio, the person exposed the whole truth, the one about which he no longer wants to be silent.

At first, the program was conceived as a show, the hero is asked uncomfortable questions, and he receives money for truthful answers. But then it was clear that many came to really talk about the "Mystery", which has traumatized them for many years and turned them into life and hell. And this secret must be heard by relatives, concurrently, an accomplice and observers of this event.

In the studio, they will have to face this, and no one will be able to run away from the truth, confirmed by a polygraph, especially under the gun of the impudent psychologist Dmitry Karpachev.

A string of heroes who talked about violence in their childhood years went: father, stepfather, uncle, older brother, director of the boarding school (who supplied children for "uncles" in the sauna), mother's "friends", and so on.

Relatives hid their eyes, avoided answering, theatrically played “Why didn't you tell me about this ?!”. But it was clear that they all knew it and were silent. It was convenient for everyone not to see it.

At that time, I looked at it and thought: probably these are actors, it cannot be that almost every character in life has this. The heroes were both men and women of different ages, from 25 to 50 years old, and they said approximately the same thing. But they lived in the USSR! And as we all know, there was no sex in the union. Surely actors, I thought.

But their non-verbal behavior, gestures, facial expressions, closed poses, a body twisted into a bagel, emotional state, trembling voice, spoke of the fact that this was true. Or can you find a great actor in any village ?!

Time has passed. I became a psychologist. And, oh horror! Every second client sitting across from me, at the second, fifth, tenth meeting, told her relative or a close family friend about her experience of violence! At first, I was simply indignant with anger. How so! After all, they are from fairly prosperous families, and their rapists are not maniacs, but what we consider to be the intelligentsia - engineers, plant directors, police officers, doctors, trainers.

Now I unmistakably see such a woman already at the first meeting, even if she does not talk about it. They do not come with the request "I was raped as a child, molested, help me get through this." They come with completely different requests: difficulties in communicating with other people; distrust and fear of others; inability to build relationships with men; prolonged depression and apathy; migraine; female diseases; oncology, rejection of one's body, sexual disorders; problems with children; a large number of phobias and panic attacks.

They, as a rule, sit on the edge of an armchair in closed positions, speak in snatches with a distant gaze out the window, and occasionally look piercingly into the eyes, as if saying: “I cannot pronounce this. But you ask me about it."

They look like small, frightened birds, which, with any wrong word, movement, gesture, can start up and fly away, close and never talk about it again.

Nietzsche is such a philosopher. He said that God is dead. Maybe he's right, I think, curling up next to my grandfather, because God wouldn't allow such a thing. God would make it all right again

Beate Teresa Hanica "Say Little Red Riding Hood"

Often in therapy, a feeling of "vacuum" arises - this is their inner vacuum, which they created for themselves in order to experience what was happening. Our psyche is so arranged that it is always "for us". And she created such a defense mechanism called dissociation. In simple words, if a person (child) is faced with something that he cannot explain, digest and accept for himself, he seems to move away from himself, as if he leaves the body and observes everything that happens from the outside, or can go to your invented world, fantasy. As if it were no longer him, but there was someone else sitting on my uncle's lap. Outwardly, such a child (person) may look frozen, “in himself”, frozen, unaware. It only plays into the hands of rapists.

My clients call this state - "ringing silence", "vacuum", "emptiness", "I am outside the earth", "space", "I am not," "I died, but the shell remained."

A psychologist who works with such topics must be tactful and patient.

An excerpt from the book "Say, Little Red Riding Hood"

This is how the main character, thirteen-year-old Malvina, who has been corrupted by her grandfather since childhood:

“Grandfather touches my hair, strokes my head, the needle on the record jumps from time to time, there is a clicking sound, and during this tiny pause, the reader has the opportunity to take a breath. I can't catch my breath. I lie and listen. And I'm waiting for everything to pass. Grandpa pulls me to him, so now I’m lying with my head in his lap, and nothing else, he strokes, crawls under my T-shirt on my back with his hand. I close my eyes and see the clouds floating across the sky. My body does not matter, nothing, I am a lifeless something, and only my thoughts fly away, only this matters, because thoughts cannot be held back. I can go wherever I want

“My little woman,” says my grandfather

His hand moves on to the touch, gets to his chest, this is nothing, nothing at all, let him do what he wants, until he gets to my thoughts

“As before,” he says, do you remember?

Here I close my ears, press my hands to my ears, softly hum the song that was broadcast on the radio this morning. I don’t know anything, I don’t remember anything, I will not leaf through the album anymore. Anything but this comes into my head, and this thought drives the clouds out of my head like an icy draft, it sweeps across the room, turns the pages of a book, my book, photographs fall out of it, slip out of my hands, in my opinion horror spreads to the body

-We were so happy together, three of us: you, grandmother and me. Now there are only two of us

Grandpa lifts my hands off my ears so that I can hear his every word

- We were so happy together

I can hear my breathing, the record spins, the reader reads in a monotonous voice, a little chanting, further and further, grandfather kisses my neck, shoulders, he does not notice how under his kisses I turn into ice"

This passage is enough to understand how an adult influences the child, how he holds him, and what happens to the child at this moment.

Malvina, in her thoughts, talks about the album and scraps of photographs, as she calls her memories of childhood, and the period when it all began, or rather the absence of these memories. This is a clean album and only small scraps of photos, proof that childhood did exist. Lack of memories is also a feature that unites abused clients.

Once I came across an article by a colleague from Moscow who wrote on the topic of incest. But in the comments to her article, there was a sea of negativity. They just poured mud on her, called her sick. According to the majority, she herself needed to be treated, because only a sick fantasy could come up with such (so that the father wanted his daughter). I understand why this topic caused such aggression - there is a lot of shame and guilt in it, something transcendent, something that should not be a priori in modern society, but it exists regardless of our desire. It was, is, and alas will be.

If you step back from the emotional part of the event itself and the destructive consequences for the victim's life and think "Why is this happening?"

For incest, child abuse to occur in a family, many factors must "coincide":

- deviations of the norms of the psyche of the rapist (psychological, organic, mental disorders), - in most cases, alcoholism, - violation of the functioning of the family - the wife (mother) does not fulfill her role in the family, and replaces herself with a child, or there is no wife as such, - the parental scenario of the rapist - that is, as a rule, the rapist was treated in a similar way in childhood.

There are many views of different paradigms on this topic, but the basis, one way or another, is instinct. Yes, that's right, we are more animals than we think of ourselves.

Until now, the ball is ruled by two basic instincts - to survive and reproduce. If there is sausage in the refrigerator and a roof over your head, you don't need to go to the mammoth, the male population has a lot of energy left to “multiply”. If there is no sex in the country and it is somehow immoral, innocent creatures who do not need to be conquered, who are trouble-free, obedient, and most likely, do not understand anything, and then quickly forget everything, come to hand. Children are prepared, they know that adults need to be obeyed, respected, not contradicted and endured, regardless of whether you like what they do to you or not. After all, if you do not believe him, then who?

Instincts tend to become uncontrollable under the influence of alcohol. Social norms fade into the background, and the victim is at arm's length, small and defenseless.

In nature, there is practically no such thing as incest. And the animals mate as soon as they receive a signal. There is also pedophilia in primates, rabbits, martens, penguins. But this cannot be called pedophilia either - it is a struggle for survival within a species. They have no concept of "maturity".

In principle, even in normal families where the father does not have psychological abnormalities, excitement can occur on his own daughter, niece, or stepdaughter, who goes through the house in a nightgown and underwear, especially if the wife for some reason does not fulfills its role within the family. But if the social "I" is stronger than the instinctive "I", such arousal is suppressed and repressed, and does not even reach consciousness. Such a man may switch himself to something else, begin to sublimate or not even realize what happened, but will tell the girl not to walk around the house in this form.

Now about the participants:

RapistWith the rapist sorted out a little. The rapist can be an ordinary-looking man, just a few components are enough:

>

Unconscious male instinctive nature to procreate with a young "female"

We also add stress associated with rapidly changing gender rules (men do not want to fight for an adult woman, because they cannot understand her, or cannot withstand high demands and competition)

• The cult of alcohol as a means of relaxation (advertising of alcohol every 10 minutes on the TV screen);
• Low level of social awareness (underdeveloped social "I");
• Easy accessibility to a silent and submissive sacrifice.

These factors are sufficient for an act of sexual abuse or corruption of a young child to occur. This explains such a large number of cases.

But why don't we hear about these cases? Why are there no statistics? Because all the participants are silent. And there is no proper legislative framework, even when contacting law enforcement agencies. This is very difficult to prove. And the police are reluctant to do this. The child himself will not go to the police, and those who are near and have to protect, as a rule, know everything and pretend that everything is in order.

Who are these people?

These are observers and accomplices:

In the book Say, Little Red Riding Hood, this theme is well illustrated. Everything happened with the complicity of the grandmother, who herself “put” the granddaughter under the grandfather. The child told his entire family that his grandfather was kissing her. This angered her dad, he called her a heartless girl, her sister and brother pretended that she was of a transitional age, and her mother withdrew from everything under the pretext of a migraine

I am a foreign body in my family, something like a pebble that got into a shoe and rubs my foot. Beate Teresa Hanica "Say Little Red Riding Hood"

>

I had a client case. The young girl said that she was corrupted by her stepfather from 8-9 years old. The mother, a frightened woman, did not react to the girl's stories, fearing to anger and lose her man. At the age of 16, the girl dared to tell the school psychologist about this. Mother and stepfather were summoned to the school to see the principal. The mother did not say anything, the stepfather sat with his head bowed, not recognizing anything and not denying anything. The director issued an ultimatum, either she appeals to the police, or they take the documents and go to another school.

Parents took the documents. Upon returning home, her stepfather called the girl "Traitor". The girl changed 4 schools.

What can you call the director and the school psychologist? I believe I am accomplices.

Of course, why should we all dig into this. We do not need to know this, it is easier to remove the child from school. No baby, no problem!

Because then everyone will have to do something, decide, change. This is so embarrassing and unpleasant! We'd better pretend that everything is in order. And even better, let's say that the girl invented everything herself, just not to take her head out of the cozy sand, in which she lives so wonderfully.

And if you act, then the stepfather needs to be planted, the mother should be deprived of parental rights. And where is the child? Boarding school? In many boarding schools, child trafficking is common. Vicious circle.

Victim

You might think that children from disadvantaged families are victims of sexual abuse, but no. The family can be outwardly quite prosperous, by the standards adopted in our society. Any child who was brought up in the spirit of the Soviet Union can be a victim.

“Point number one - an adult is always right. Point number two - if the adult is wrong, see point number one."

Either the child is told that this is love, and the adults "love you" so much.

They can blackmail that if you tell someone, then a loved one (mother, for example) will get upset, get sick, die. Or if you do, they won't believe you anyway and they will send you to a mental hospital.

The child is a symptom of the family. If a child has become a victim of sexual abuse, this is the result of the actions, or rather inaction of the parents. According to my personal observations, in such families, as a rule, there is an emotionally cold and detached mother or the “Child” mother, busy only with herself, often ill and taking all the attention of the family. Mother function: “Have you eaten? Have you done your homework? She has few emotional contacts with the child, she is not worried about his problems, joys, friends, interests. A child will not go to such a mother for help and will not tell what happened to him.

The child is locked in a cage, and there is practically no way out. There is a desire to grow up and run away. But when they grow up, they already get used to the idea that they are flawed, they are to blame, that everyone has the right to do anything with them, or that everyone lives like that. They bury this "Secret" in the depths of their unconscious and hardly tell anyone about it. This slowly and gradually destroys them from the inside, but they are already accustomed to this pain, it has become permanent.

Actually, it seems to me that these faints are not such a bad thing at all. You could, for example, faint and never come to your senses again, or you could go to the hospital, lie there for a couple of years under the covers until I become an adult and my grandfather dies. Then everything will be resolved by itself

Beate Teresa Hanica "Say Little Red Riding Hood"

This problem is more global than it seems at first glance. Of course, due to the fact that all participants are silent, only psychologists and the police can deduce these statistics, but the cases of contacting them are minimal. Only those who choose to speak go there. And these are units.

What to do? Enlighten

This topic should be raised with children by parents, teachers, school psychologists. We must, starting in kindergarten, teach children to understand their bodily and psychological boundaries. The child should know that there are parts of the body that no one should touch. We cover these parts of the body with linen.

We must teach children to say categorically "NO" when someone decides to violate these boundaries without the child's consent.

For children over 10 years old, I recommend reading the book Say Little Red Riding Hood and then discussing it with their mother or teacher. And in an amicable way, it needs to be included in the school curriculum.

We need to stop considering this topic uncomfortable, and for us adults, stop being afraid to talk with children about sex. Children need to know that sex is not only about procreation, but also about pleasure.

This is an adult game, but there are adults who may want to involve the child. You need to explain to the children that not all adults are good people and want what is good for you.

The child should know how to behave if strangers on the street or even close people come up to him and offer to do what the child does not like. Tell us about the rule "NO, LEAVE immediately and TELL."

He must learn to say resolutely "No", try to run away quickly and tell a loved one or friend about what happened.

He must know who, in this case, he can turn to and tell about it, and that he will definitely be protected.

Parents should be in close emotional contact so that the child knows that they can come to you and you will support him so that it does not happen. And this is a lot of parenting work.

But not only psychologists and schools can help in this problem. This is the disease of our entire society, which does not want to interfere and get dirty, and better "My hut is on the edge" until it touches me.

In the book, the main character, in addition to a detached and incomprehensible family, has people who are not indifferent to the fate of Malvina: her grandfather's neighbor is a Polish girl, her friend and her mother, her first love. Any of us who sees this can become a friend and support for such children.

So far, alas, there are no other ways in our country. Forewarned is forearmed.

Maybe others won't be able to help me at all, maybe I should do it myself, and people around will look at me. They will stand behind, supporting me, and I will always know that there is someone nearby, that I am not alone, and when I turn around and want to run, someone will hold me back

Beate Teresa Hanica "Say Little Red Riding Hood"