Betrayal In The Little Things: How We Learn To Betray Ourselves

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One of the most emotionally charged topics with which people come to therapy is betrayal (husband, wife, lover, mistress, friend, boss, employee, business partner, etc.).

Betrayal is a violation of loyalty to someone or failure to fulfill a duty to someone. This is, first of all, a violation of obligations and agreements (public or non-public); an action that contradicts the basic universal principles of love, loyalty, honor, friendship, kindness, etc.

Betrayal always causes suffering and a keen sense of injustice, because it cannot be foreseen when you trust another more than yourself. And, if quite often a person is faced with the betrayal of others, it is worth looking for the roots of the very first betrayal. Betrayal of a parent (usually of the opposite sex).

It can start with the fact that one parent can offend, humiliate or devalue the other. This can make such a strong impression on the baby that he may even hate the one who dared to do bad things to mom or dad. A strong impression of betrayal is left by divorce, betrayal, death of one of the parents, incest, the birth of a second child, etc.

But there is also a more cunning betrayal … in the little things. When parents do not compare favorably with other children, they use him for their own purposes (often with the help of minor deception); scold in front of the teacher, without even understanding the situation; do not keep their promises; scoff at the first manifestations of creativity; complaining to their girlfriends on the phone … with tiny thorns, gradually deepening the wound and destroying trust. And from this, the betrayal seems to lose its sharpness (after all, it is hard to notice), but with every small insidious step it becomes stronger.

The child begins to learn to be suspicious and controlling, losing the ability to trust the closest people … and, therefore, himself. And, already growing up, every day he continues to betray and deceive himself, stopping to hear the voice of his heart, neglecting his own interests and needs. Not noticeable. In the little things. The way he was taught. The way he independently learned to react to the betrayal of adults (in order to survive and preserve himself): justifying their actions, sacrificing himself, avoiding conflicts. Filling the stomach with sweet when he asks for a glass of water. Agreeing when you want to shout "NO!" Forgetting to turn on the music when you feel like dancing. By exposing yourself to unfair criticism or devaluing your every action. Doing what others want. Following someone's chosen path. Endlessly doubting the choice, in yourself, in the future.

And now the constant betrayal of oneself becomes as natural and habitual as the air. A person does not hear his body, his needs, does not trust his nature and loses his inner guides, trying to cling to a straw of the outside world - the opinions of other people, stereotypes of society, cliches of authorities. There is a temptation to turn away from your life, to experience what is happening to you now as not valuable, but what is happening without you - as the only important one. Longing for the fact that with your blood you cannot write another life.

All this is a small signal to ask yourself at least two questions: "In what way do I betray myself?" and "How can I stop betraying myself right now?" To face all kinds of feelings about this and start taking small, timid, but such honest steps towards Yourself.