Psychological Addiction. Just Don't Leave Yourself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Elena Mitina Source: elenamitina.com.ua

I am writing this article to continue the topic of addictive behavior and want to consider one of its types - this is psychological (emotional) addiction, relationship addiction or love addiction. In the entire line of different addictions, psychological is probably considered the easiest, since it does not harm a person as clearly and strongly as, say, alcoholism or drug addiction. However, many people raised by Soviet and post-Soviet society suffer from this very type of addiction, which can bring truly incredible mental pain. personal therapy was precisely emotional dependence, reproduced, in particular, in love relationships. And in order to comfort those in advance who, reading these lines, are looking for a way out and relief for themselves right now, I can say that there is a way out, and there is also relief. A way out of addiction is possible, now I feel it and understand it very clearly.

Why do we need emotional addiction?

This state can be described by such expressions as "I cannot live without him (her)", "without this person the light is not sweet and there is no sense", "I cannot get enough of him (her)", "he (she) torments me, and I endure because I love "," I am drawn to her (him) and I cannot do anything "," I am ready (a) for anything just to return her (him) "and so on. The essence of such dependence is that mentally and, most importantly, sensually, we simply cannot imagine our life without some specific person. And the main thing is that this person is the only one in the whole world, and we are completely dependent on him, on his attitude towards us, approval or disapproval, etc. And the most interesting thing is that love addiction is an important form of our creative adaptation to life at this stage, no matter how paradoxical it sounds. This is what, in fact, saves us from something more terrible. Indeed, in psychological dependence there is always that "pill" that "heals" us - this is hope. Hope that the desired object will return (will be there) and everything will be fine. Nadezhda does its job, namely, it relieves us of the experience of the horror of total inner loneliness. It's not for nothing that I say "object", because in emotional dependence (as in any other), a partner is always an object, not a person. A partner is a glass of wine or a dose of cocaine, a delicious bun, or God and the Messiah. This is anything you want, but not a person. And as I already wrote, dependent behavior, including emotionally dependent behavior, is a problem, in fact, of object relations in the early period of the infant's development, relations with the mother as an object, with a breastfeeding breast. And when we project, give our partner this “breastfeeding” role that we really need, we inevitably face great disappointment and resentment when we notice that the partner is not in the least interested (and not able) to be her. And then we can rush from side to side, then rejecting it, then, unable to bear it, resorting again, eating and basking rather not about a real person, but about an idealized image, a fantasy in our head. It is simply unbearable for us to even think that, in fact, no one is able to calm our inner pain, this burned-out hole, the emptiness with which the soul is filled and the depth and width of which, it seems, has no boundaries …

How to get out of love addiction

The way out, of course, lies in getting regular psychotherapy and the opportunity, thus, to acquire, first of all, self-reliance. A psychologically dependent person has one feature - he cannot rely on himself and experience a feeling of loneliness. He is seized with horror, which makes him flee into this saving merger.

Next, I will try to describe some important steps that will help you on the path to getting out of an addicted relationship.

Focus on yourself

First of all, addiction therapy begins with restoring sensitivity to one's own boundaries. It so happened that the addicted person is not taught to separate himself from the other. And in order for him to feel good, it is necessary that the other next to him, too, feel good - as it were, he defines his boundaries. It is this property, this insensitivity, that makes people endure sometimes wild bullying from their "beloved" partners, psychological and physical violence, humiliation, neglect, devaluation, and so on. Therefore, it is important to ask yourself the following questions: "What do I feel, what feelings do I experience when I am rejected or humiliated?", "How comfortable is it for me to wait so long for his (her) call (arrival, letter)?" when is my partner deceiving and manipulating me? "," How safe do I feel in this relationship? "," How valuable do I feel for a partner on a 10-point scale? " Often psychologically dependent people are completely insensitive to their own irritation, disgust, resentment, anger. They find it difficult to recognize their emotions, experience and name them. They are psychologically as if frozen and lie in their crypts like "dead princesses" from Pushkin's fairy tale.

Distance with dependency object

In order to somehow protect themselves from the cruel reality of relationships with a partner, addicted people build themselves "sand castles", create beautiful fantasies, usually related to the future. And they do not rely at all on the experience of the past and present. That is, they all the time seem to believe that the partner will change and love them, but you just need to do this and that … For example, wait, be patient, be affectionate … This belief makes you invest more and more in dysfunctional relationships and increasingly expect them to return … And this is a trap. Since in reality there is only what is now, and it is important to rely on this. Of course, people change, but usually, it happens completely out of our control and not at all the way we want it. Therefore, it is important for a while to give up contact with the object of addiction (as well as to stop taking alcohol and using drugs - for chemically addicted people), so as not to exhaust oneself and not deceive even more.

Immersion in a "nutrient medium"

A psychologically dependent person usually seeks relaxation only in a relationship with a love partner, rejecting and fencing off the support of other warm and devoted people. After all, inside himself he is sure that he does not deserve real warmth and love. In this sense, it is important to do the exact opposite - accept the warmth and support of others, try to lean on and allow empathy for yourself. Probably, at first this will be obtained only in individual sessions of psychotherapy (or meetings of a therapeutic group), but then the skill will become possible in relationships with others - relatives, friends, acquaintances.

Assigning your contribution to the relationship

The idealization of a partner in a dependent relationship is nothing more than our own projection onto him. This is some split-off part of the personality that we endow another person with. Many psychologically dependent clients say that “only with him (her) I feel truly loved (s), only with him (her) I experience a feeling of security, tenderness and care”. Try to assign all these qualities to yourself. It is you who are capable of being gentle, caring, protective, and loving deeply. You are the one who trusts and accepts, soothes and soothes. And you are able to give it to people. Discover these qualities, recognize them, and take them with you. For those who are able to appreciate them.