The Stranglehold Of Codependency. I Hate You, Just Don't Leave Me

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I see codependent relationships very often in the process of working with clients. It's not about alcohol addiction, but about violated boundaries.

When the boundaries are erased or, conversely, too impenetrable, the soil is created for explicit or latent conflicts in the pair.

Explicit conflicts occur when partners openly declare their dissatisfaction with the relationship, latent - when the dissatisfaction is hushed up in order to avoid quarrels, but manifests itself in the form of passive aggression, "silent reproaches", the imposition of guilt, etc.

Codependent relationships are often driven by a sense of duty and helplessness. One of the partners says to himself: "I owe another …", because his parents brought him up that way, the other convinces himself that "without him I will be lost …". One person shows a hyper-responsible parental position, the other - the child's infantile position. There are no adults in this relationship. It is clear that the child and the parent are forced to be in a codependent bond.

The parent seeks to patronize, control, the Child accepts this as long as it is convenient for him, but soon begins to be capricious and resist. The Parent gradually begins to get irritated at the Child's helplessness and disobedience, the Child also grows stress from the fact that the Parent becomes more and more obsessive and oppressive in his care. The Child creates a distance, but when the Parent moves away, the Child is overwhelmed by a panic that he will not be able to cope alone. As a result, the Child is forced to come closer to the Parent, to be subordinate to him again. A fusion arises, which over time begins to weigh down again. And so this scenario is repeated over and over again in various variations.

The Parent cannot give the Child the freedom to express himself, the Child cannot grow up. Often, the subpersonalities of the Parent and the Child live in one person, periodically changing places. This makes the relationship even more dissonant.

Partners are afraid to take an extra step without each other, depend on the emotions and desires of their half. Why half? Because in codependent relationships there is no integral, self-sufficient, free personality. There is either merging or distancing. True intimacy is absent due to the fear of being yourself, talking about your feelings, desires, fear of offending, being misunderstood, rejected …

In such families, as a rule, some kind of rigid attitude dominates that it is necessary to live together for the sake of children, for example, or that emotional intimacy is not as important as sex and food. Partners find intermediate objects of dependence, "outlets from emptiness": workaholism, alcoholism, connections on the side, gambling addiction, etc.

Because of the violated boundaries, violations in the sexual sphere appear. To one partner, the relationship seems too distant, to the other - absorbing, intrusive. How do you find a healthy balance here?

For example, one partner informs the other that he is violating his boundaries, demanding frequent sexual intercourse, and the other replies that his boundaries are also violated in this case, because he feels disregard for his needs.

Such a dialogue resembles the communication of children in kindergarten: "You are a fool! You yourself are a fool!", When partners begin to shift responsibility for personal frustration onto each other.

In this case, it is necessary to correct the partners' irrational attitudes towards relationships, to increase self-esteem, the ability to seek support within oneself, to look for the optimal level of interpersonal boundaries, to develop the skills of empathy and support for each other.