The Invisible Child: What Can Be Dangerous To Loneliness In Childhood?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

A lonely child is an easy bait for pedophiles, cultists and drug dealers. After all, if you can't get a good company, you can end up in a bad one

I have no friends.

"Mom, I don't want to go to school. No one is friends with me there. It's as if they didn't know me at all, I wasn't there. They don't notice me."

Mom just sighed back. She didn't know how to help.

Communication with my son at school did not work out from the very beginning. For some reason, he did not manage to enter the company of classmates, even just to chat about something empty - and that did not work out.

Already in the fifth grade, he suffered so much. Here, at recess, the guys play each other in a friendly manner, in football everyone that gets under their feet rushes along the corridors, and he just snuggles against the wall alone.

And no one invites him to visit, and when, Vanya plucked up courage and invited several guys to his birthday, no one came to him. Needless to say, the holiday was ruined and the child's condition is more depressed than before.

Mom gave advice: try to be active yourself! Vanya did just that. He brought sweets to school and handed them out to the children, shared his phone with games, tried to joke and entertain others, he himself laughed at other "jokes, but they ate sweets, the discharged phone" accidentally "threw at the owner, and Vanya himself became useless. They did not laugh at his jokes, and they never included him in the general conversation. More and more often it seemed to him that he was invisible.

Vanya could not understand for himself why he is worse than the rest of the guys. Every evening, going to bed, he imagined tomorrow's gloomy day, sad changes, during which he would stand propping up the walls. The world around him seemed alien to him, cold and indifferent. The thought made him want to curl up, bury himself in a hole and never crawl out of there. And only dreams that someday someone would come and want to play with him helped to sleep peacefully. At least someone

The problem with the consequences

Refusal from the children's collective is a serious defeat and injury for the child, this can lead to sad consequences in his life. And first of all, parents should understand the seriousness of the problem, and not let it go in the hope that it will pass with age or somehow sort out by itself. If the parents see that in the new team for a long time the child has no friends or just friends, there are no friendly contacts, and at the same time he suffers from loneliness, complaining about it himself - you need to react

Be careful not to perceive the child's suffering as whims and not to respond like "it's his own fault." This will not only not help, but will strengthen the child in the opinion that even the parents see in him “something is wrong”. Right now he needs and is objectively very important precisely parental unconditional love and support. The child should feel that at least at home he is accepted, understood and on his side.

Comments Borodina Ekaterina

Consultant child and adolescent psychologist, founder of the children's development and health center HT Ed

Talk to your child

It is necessary to figure out what may be a problem for the child himself. After all, if it is not accepted in different companies over and over again, then, most likely, this is the case. More precisely, in what is inherent in his upbringing. And by the way, it is this factor that can turn out to be a pitfall in parental assistance to your child. After all, when analyzing the problems of a child, it is the parents who can get out parental mistakes, complexes, stereotypes. Therefore, if we want to help, we will have to muster the courage to face the truth, otherwise nothing will come of it.

Well, first you need to understand that any children's team is formed according to some general, often formal criteria. In order to become a part of it, you need to meet the requirements of this team. For example, to become a part of the company of today's 7-8 graders, you need to be smart enough in the field of computer games. Very often children do not accept a child for the reason that “he is not interested in it,” he does not do what everyone else is doing, there is nothing to talk to him about.

Parents should gently but confidently convey to the child that his loneliness depends not only on other children, but also on himself. After all, there are a huge number of children who are accepted. And if he wants to change the situation, then first of all you need to look at yourself, think and understand what exactly does not attract others in him.

In no case should you blame the child, talk with intonations of claims, put qualities in the form of an example of Stas or Nikita, who have many friends and whom everyone loves. But it is necessary to invite the child to take a closer look at himself. Perhaps he looks down on everyone? Or, on the contrary, too obsequious? Or can't you talk about any of the common topics?

This is a very complex action that requires parental attention - to understand what the child thinks about the children around him, how he perceives them. If he looks at them, and deep down considers them fools, then of course he can not count on a good attitude from them.

If, on the contrary, he considers them better than himself, perceives them as dominants, tries to adapt to them from below, gives them his sweets, things, behaves like a clown, bends over, fawns, then there is no chance that children will perceive him as an equal either.

Weak people in children's groups do not like, and this also needs to be explained to the child. You cannot buy baby cribs. If you do not respect yourself, then no one will respect. But why the child does not respect himself is a question for the parents. Do they respect him themselves?

Together with the child, it is necessary to determine whether he is specifically interested in this company or he is so lonely that any team is ready to join. Any environment has its own list of interesting topics that the child could share in order to become his own.

This does not mean that the child should forcefully choose those topics that he does not like at all, only to be accepted. But among those interests that are shared by the collective, there may well be those close to the child. And if there are none, is it worth being sad that you do not get into such a team? Be that as it may, communication there really will not be, it is impossible to pretend for a long time. Maybe you should look for like-minded people in other places? In the end, the company is needed not only in order to "join the flock", although, of course, a child exhausted by loneliness is ready to do anything to be accepted into the "flock" and recognized as one of his own.

; Look for alternative social groups

If it turns out that the child, in general, is not very interested in the company at school, but he is so sad alone that he is ready to change himself, if only he was taken, then it's time to diversify his social circle. Let him go not only to school, but also to hobby groups, to different studios, let him communicate with different children (of course, it is worth keeping an eye out so that he does not end up in, for example, a courtyard company), let him look for where he is interested. Maybe he will not just become his own somewhere, but even begin to form a company around himself. The main thing is to catch the child before he loses faith in himself and begins to withdraw from the world.

It is not uncommon and not a wonder if children at first do not fit into some kind of society; they end up finding a company in a different environment. For example, children with higher than average intelligence in a regular district school may suffer from social isolation, and once they get to a good advanced school, where they are surrounded by equally smart children, they quickly find friends.

But parents should remember that their child is at risk and may not be accepted by other children if he is something very different from them. It can be any individual characteristics of thinking, behavior, appearance, speech. Such children are not included in children's communities, moreover, they are bullied. This cruelty has its own explanation: children are quite anxious creatures, it is easier and easier for them in the company of their own kind. And peers who are different from the majority are wonderful objects for making fun of them and boycotting them to “extinguish” such anxiety, to feel more confident and comfortable around them.

It happens that a child has serious differences from other children that he himself cannot change, for example, stuttering, nervous tics, low income, physical injury. In such cases, parents should make as much effort as possible to eliminate or minimize this deficiency as much as possible. But in any case, it is possible or not possible, the child needs to be explained that all people are different, everyone has different characteristics, and everyone can find a certain circle of friends for themselves.

It is fundamentally important that the child does not treat his peculiarity as something negative and limiting. Then the rest will not perceive it that way. They do not play only with those children with special features who emphasize these features, emphasize, are embarrassed or do not accept them.

What is the threat of childhood loneliness?

The biggest danger of loneliness is that the child's self-esteem begins to decline sharply. Social isolation (reinforced by parental inattention) gives the child the feeling that he is not like everyone else, he is the worst of all, no one will ever be interested in him and he will always be alone. The child reacts to such stress in accordance with the characteristics of his nervous system. Someone will get depressed, someone will look for another company that will accept and be supportive, and here there is a risk of running into a bad company.

Comments by Borodina Ekaterina

Child and adolescent psychologist consultant, founder of the HT Ed Child Development and Health Center

This is often used by drug sellers, sectarians and pedophiles, authors of various games on social networks (" title="Image" />

If it turns out that the child, in general, is not very interested in the company at school, but he is so sad alone that he is ready to change himself, if only he was taken, then it's time to diversify his social circle. Let him go not only to school, but also to hobby groups, to different studios, let him communicate with different children (of course, it is worth keeping an eye out so that he does not end up in, for example, a courtyard company), let him look for where he is interested. Maybe he will not just become his own somewhere, but even begin to form a company around himself. The main thing is to catch the child before he loses faith in himself and begins to withdraw from the world.

It is not uncommon and not a wonder if children at first do not fit into some kind of society; they end up finding a company in a different environment. For example, children with higher than average intelligence in a regular district school may suffer from social isolation, and once they get to a good advanced school, where they are surrounded by equally smart children, they quickly find friends.

But parents should remember that their child is at risk and may not be accepted by other children if he is something very different from them. It can be any individual characteristics of thinking, behavior, appearance, speech. Such children are not included in children's communities, moreover, they are bullied. This cruelty has its own explanation: children are quite anxious creatures, it is easier and easier for them in the company of their own kind. And peers who are different from the majority are wonderful objects for making fun of them and boycotting them to “extinguish” such anxiety, to feel more confident and comfortable around them.

It happens that a child has serious differences from other children that he himself cannot change, for example, stuttering, nervous tics, low income, physical injury. In such cases, parents should make as much effort as possible to eliminate or minimize this deficiency as much as possible. But in any case, it is possible or not possible, the child needs to be explained that all people are different, everyone has different characteristics, and everyone can find a certain circle of friends for themselves.

It is fundamentally important that the child does not treat his peculiarity as something negative and limiting. Then the rest will not perceive it that way. They do not play only with those children with special features who emphasize these features, emphasize, are embarrassed or do not accept them.

What is the threat of childhood loneliness?

The biggest danger of loneliness is that the child's self-esteem begins to decline sharply. Social isolation (reinforced by parental inattention) gives the child the feeling that he is not like everyone else, he is the worst of all, no one will ever be interested in him and he will always be alone. The child reacts to such stress in accordance with the characteristics of his nervous system. Someone will get depressed, someone will look for another company that will accept and be supportive, and here there is a risk of running into a bad company.

Comments by Borodina Ekaterina

Child and adolescent psychologist consultant, founder of the HT Ed Child Development and Health Center

This is often used by drug sellers, sectarians and pedophiles, authors of various games on social networks (

There are also a huge number of children in whom school loneliness remains a trauma forever and in adulthood will come back to haunt with very low self-esteem and even a complete rejection of social interaction.

A growing up child who has not solved the problem of loneliness becomes more and more withdrawn into himself, immerses himself in computer games or the Internet, or other forms of addiction, including chemical ones. In the future, he is threatened with building unhealthy, subordinate relationships. Growing up single children tend to hide from the team, cannot work in a team, they cannot define their positions and interests.

Therefore, it is very important not to allow the transition of the problem to the chronic stage, and if a child complains "mom, no one is friends with me and does not play with me" - as soon as possible to figure out what is the matter.