Answers On Questions. Childhood Fears. How Can I Help My Child?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Friends, I greet you!

I invited my readers to write their questions, swinging different psychological aspects in life.

And I will gradually answer them.

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First question.

Svetlana asks: “My son (5 years old) looked at the Geo magazine, was impressed by the photograph of a man who was crippled by a tiger (the man covered his face with his hands, but all the same, the scars are visible). Now he is afraid to be alone in the room … He says there may be a tiger. There used to be a fear of the dark, and it still exists now, but the fear of the tiger is much stronger … How to help a child overcome his fear? They were already looking for a tiger everywhere, and they were discussing how he would get to our apartment …"

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My answer:

Thank you, Svetlana, for the question. I will try to answer your question.

I understand your desire to help your son. I feel respect for the fact that you do not ignore these fears of your son, but that you are interested in your son, in his emotional state. And you're trying to help him feel more relaxed.

From your question, I see that you are already taking some action to help your son cope with the fear of the tiger. Those. You were looking for a tiger everywhere, and thus, the son received confirmation that the tiger was nowhere to be found in the apartment. Also, you and your son talked about how the tiger could get into your apartment. And probably your reasoning also confirmed that there is no way for the tiger to get into the apartment. And yet, at some rational, logical level, this does not help the son to cope with fear.

And I invite you to reflect on these fears: the fear of the dark and the fear of the tiger.

Let's start with why we need fear, what function does it perform for us, what does it signal to us? How does it appear and what can you do about it?

Fear plays a very important role in our life. Fear helps us to avoid some dangers. He helps keep us safe.

Those. fear is the emotion that helps us pay attention to the safety of our lives.

For example, fear helps us stop at the edge of a cliff, and move away from it, so as not to fall down. Those. we are afraid and move away from this edge. Fear protects us. It carries a protective function.

And it is quite natural that children, as they grow up and as they understand more about the world around them, and about themselves, about how everything works, as they gain new experience, fears begin to appear. Those. the more a child learns something new, the more something that is not yet known to him may appear for him and from this frightening him.

And the fear of the dark that you are writing about is quite natural for a 5-year-old child. This fear may be due to the fact that a child by this age is faced with the concept of death. Those. he can see dead bugs, worms, birds, animals. Or he may be faced with the fact that someone dies from the environment: grandmother or grandfather, etc. And then this fear of the dark can be associated with the fact that the child may be afraid that when he falls asleep, he seems to disappear, as if he ceases to exist.

You can help the child to live this fear and get rid of it.

And the fact that you, Svetlana, write that there used to be a fear of the dark and that it is also present now, it turns out that the fear of the tiger has been added to it.

Those. when a child saw a photograph of a man crippled by a tiger, this fear was added to the fear of the dark that he already had.

Therefore, it seems to me that it is important here to work with both the fear of the dark and the fear of the tiger.

It is also important to clarify that there are real fears that help us ensure safety, and there are irrational fears. Just the fear of the dark and the fear of a tiger in a city apartment - it is about the fact that it is unlikely that a tiger may end up in an apartment - these are irrational fears. Those. they have nothing to do with the reality in which the child lives.

And then what is important to understand?

First of all, it is important not to deny this fear in the child with the words "do not be afraid", "there is nothing to be afraid of" or "there is no need to be afraid", "what are they afraid of?" etc., but to admit “yes, I understand you, you are afraid of the dark”, “yes, you are afraid of this tiger that attacked a man there”.

Those. The first thing we do is we do not deny this fear, we do not devalue it, but we recognize that it can really be scary and can be scary.

Maybe in your childhood experience there was also something similar that you were afraid of something too. You can share that you were once afraid of something, too, and tell what helped you to stop being afraid, how this fear passed. "You know, I, too, when I was little, I was also afraid of the dark, and then this fear passed." Although, in general, the fear of the dark may well be justified, for example, if you are walking somewhere along a dark street, then at this moment the fear of the dark helps us to be careful and take actions that will contribute to our safety. And the fear of the tiger is also useful in the sense that when we come to the zoo and see a tiger in a cage, we will not come close to it, because we understand that it is a predatory animal, and its actions can be unpredictable. Fear will stop us from doing this.

Those. the first thing that is important is not to deny, but to admit that "yes, you are afraid, you are afraid, I understand you, and I sympathize with you." Those. first, we admit, second, we show understanding and sympathy for the child.

Third, what can we do?

As long as the child feels this fear, then the fear is inside the child and it can be very huge, and it can be even greater than the child himself.

To reduce this fear, it is important to separate it from the child so that the child is less captured by the fear. And for this I invite the child to draw his fear. Those. you, Svetlana, can you suggest to your son “Let's draw this fear of the dark?”.

And when he draws it, we ask “what do you think about this fear?”, “What do you feel about him?”. And you yourself can share with your child what you notice about this picture of fear. For example, it may turn out that this fear itself looks like someone who needs some help, he himself is somehow not very good and comfortable. Then we can say, “It looks like this fear is not easy. He seems to be afraid himself. I sympathize with him. I want to feel sorry for him. And you? Let's draw something to make him feel better. And in general, he is somehow so lonely. What if you and I become friends? What if he is our friend?"

Those. the third step - we offer the child to draw the fear and in this way he is already separated from the child. And he turns out to be smaller than the child and he becomes more understandable and less frightening for the child. Those. fear - separately, the child - separately. Fear has already been extracted and it is already possible to look at it from the outside. While he is inside the child, he seems to capture the entire emotional space of the child. When the child draws it, the fear is separated from the child.

Then it is important to notice how we feel about this painted fear. “How do you feel about him? How do I feel about him? " And offer to talk to him somehow, maybe agree, maybe make friends. Maybe say "let's ask him to protect us?" Then propose to change something in the picture "what do you want to change in this picture?", "Do it."

You can also suggest drawing this scary darkness for the son. And then finish drawing something that in this darkness can be interesting, and not at all frightening. For example, the bed where dad and mom sleep, and another bed where the son sleeps, toys, cars, a table, shelves with books, etc. Those. we paint the darkness and fill it with famous and safe people and objects. And again we ask “what do you feel about this dark room now? What else do you want to change in her? And we notice how the emotional state of the son is changing.

Further, not necessarily right away, it is better after a while to invite the child to draw the fear of a tiger. And when he is already drawn according to the same scheme, “what do you feel about him? But I notice that he is like that. " Those. also, when a child draws this fear of a tiger, he already separates it from himself, he no longer captures the child like that. And we offer further "what do you want to change in your drawing?" And again we notice how the emotional state of the son is changing.

And then it's even better to draw the tiger itself. And maybe add a tigress and tiger cubs in the picture. And, for example, tell a story about a tiger family. How they live. How a tiger goes to hunt, and how he protects his family. How he had to attack a man, because the man entered the territory of the tiger, and the tiger defended his family, he was afraid that the man would do something bad to his tigress and tiger cubs. What if a person did not enter the territory where the tiger lived, then the tiger would not attack the person. And then again ask “how do you feel about this picture? What do you want to change in him? And again we notice how the emotional state of the son is changing.

Thus, what scares the child becomes more understandable and less frightening for him.

I hope, Svetlana, that my recommendations will help you and your son to cope with his fears and make them useful and protective of your son, and not interfere with his quiet life and active development.

I would be grateful if you would later share how you managed to cope with these fears of your son.

I hope my recommendations will be useful to you, my dear readers.

If you have any questions, please write them in the comments. I will try to answer them.