10 Rules For Family Survival

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

10 rules for family survival

About immature love, childhood traumas and how to save your life and health when paired with an injured partner

How long can you love a person who keeps repeating that you do not love him, takes offense, reproaches you for a lack of attention to yourself? How long can you take it? And will you be able to love someone who is always unhappy with how you love him and how much? And no matter how much this love, care and attention are given, he will remain hungry and unhappy and will constantly accuse you of being cold, inattentive and not sacrificing yourself and your interests for his sake.

Soon you will understand that no matter how much love you give, it will fall into a burst of discontent of a loved one and he will still remain hungry and dissatisfied.

Why is this happening? Because your partner does not have any experience of love and he cannot recognize love and care, in fact, he cannot accept it.. For him, the proof of love is some cruel sacrifice on your part, when for the sake of your partner you have to completely reject yourself and your needs. Somehow such selfless acts can quench your partner's thirst for love for a while, but not for long. For example, he demands that you do not go to yoga for his sake, because he wants to be with you, or that you, for example, have sex with him at a time when you really want to sleep, and you have to give in to these requirements in order to avoid reproaches from a partner, not to feel guilty, for the fact that he is disliked, undernourished, undercooked.

So where do such people come from, what happened to them, that when they receive love from another, they constantly resort to psychological violence, manipulation, control and other forms of pressure? And the following actually happened to them. At a very early age, when they were completely dependent on their mother and felt that the mother was the whole world, they did not feel needed. No, my mother took care, fed, swaddled and even sometimes played, but emotionally she was not with the child. She was not included in the relationship with the child and did not build affection with him. Not because, of course, she did it deliberately, no, she herself did not have the experience of love. How could she know how to create emotional attachment with a baby. She was more fixed on the fact that the porridge was at the right temperature, the ears did not peep out from under the cap, the diapers were all ironed, the sleep schedule was respected. And she also jumped up in the middle of the night to check if the child was breathing, because the frenzied anxiety and fear of loss captured her so deeply that, forgive me, there was no time for love here. Such a mother a little later informs the child about her maternal heroism and self-sacrifice and ultimately puts herself before the child on a pedestal of holiness: "I am the best mother in the world!" And the daughter or son believes her of course. But! A pattern is imprinted in the unconscious - love is self-sacrifice, love is heroism! And when such a person grows up he has no other criterion of love other than this. And in the soul there is a huge funnel of trauma - hunger for love, rejection, ignorance, emotional distance. In some people, this trauma leads to the formation of psychopathies. And then, having got into a relationship with such a person, you become a hostage of his trauma, his ancestral story about the impossibility of experiencing true sincere love.

Some psychologists here talk about primary narcissistic trauma, when the mother, for some reason, could not mirror to the child that he is love, that he is a beautiful creature worthy of love, that he does not need to deserve love because he is loved unconditionally, just because he came into this world. And such a child, carrying in his heart the experience of emotional coldness, which he received in his very first relationship with the world (mother), devotes his whole life to deserve someone's love and get enough of it, to finally satisfy this wild hunger for love. All his life he can look in the eyes of strangers for his mother's approving look, that mirror in which all the best that is in him as a person will be reflected, but he never finds that mother's look, lost in early childhood. Getting into relationships with other people, such a person becomes either very helpful, almost a slave, only in order not to fail again in close relationships, not to be emotionally (or physically) abandoned, or he becomes insatiably demanding and eternally dissatisfied - undernourished, hungry - a child who perceives a partner only as a function - a breast with milk, from which love flows endlessly. And you will never be able to saturate this breakthrough, this open hungry mouth, because you did not give birth to it and you will be wildly uncomfortable in such a relationship, because you will not understand why, no matter how much you do and give yourself to your beloved, he constantly grumbles that you have cheated him in some way. The fact is that your partner does not see you real (yu), he projects his mother onto you. He wants you, instead of his mother, who did not cope with her motherly functions, to patch that hole, heal his trauma. But, I will repeat again: you did not give birth to him! And when your partner offers you to cope with this task, which is essentially beyond your power, you take the blame for what you did not do, for what his mother did to him (or did not). You, as it were, say in esoteric language, you wind up the karma of his kind, his generic problems. And if, as a psychologist, then I will say that you are included in his family scenario, in his game, in which your forces are incomparably small. Because there is a powerful adversary in front of you - the whole race of your partner. And you are alone. You would have to cope with your generic scenarios, figure out how they poison your life (after all, it was not for nothing that you were in a bundle with such a partner), but here the generic problems of your partner are hung on you and you become a kind of trash can, into which all the negative of the genus merges your partner, all sins - speaking in the language of religion, you take upon yourself.

Such a relationship is doomed to failure and complete fiasco. Because the game is unequal and you run the risk of playing the box ahead of time. Nothing is realized here and it only seems that some dark forces are spinning the hellish pendulum of your suffering. Yes, of course your partner suffers too. Of course, because he was used to suffering in childhood and unconsciously he invites you to live according to his rules: suffer, sacrifice, love. Such love very soon turns into hell. But in essence, it is not even worth talking about love here, because where there is suffering, pain, fear, guilt, there cannot be love. And breaking out of such a relationship is incredibly difficult. But you will certainly want this and you will make an attempt to break free, but the whole family system of your partner and he himself, with complete hostility towards you, will not let you go. Why? Yes, because you are a trash can for problems of his kind, you are a recharge, a living blood that is pumped out of you by everyone who stands behind your lover's back, first of all his mother. They are certainly not evil maniacs, they do it in order to be happy and not suffer. After all, all living beings want to be happy and not suffer. But think how great are your risks in such a situation of contracting an incurable disease, if you do not realize what is really happening and where you are.

But if you already realize this after reading this article, then think about what you can do in order to preserve your life, your psychological and physical safety.

First: Try all the same, no matter how difficult it was to admit the thought that you can live alone (n) - loneliness is not as scary as it seems, and sometimes it is wonderful in comparison with all the suffering that you experience while participating in this dangerous game …

Second: Put everyone in their place: "I am not your mom (not your dad), I am your partner and I have my own boundaries and the right to say no."

Third, practice the word "no" in your relationship with your partner. Say this word to the same extent that you say yes to your partner's requests and demands.

Fourth, if you said no, then you don't change anything. Be firm and consistent.

Fifth: do not be afraid of conflicts, they will only cleanse your relationship.

Sixth: free yourself from the guilt that your partner's family has generously shared with you. Remember that in this world you do not owe anything to anyone, nor to you. No one is obliged to meet the expectations of another. You can say to your partner or mentally: "I am returning to your family and your family the guilt that I shared with you. This guilt is not mine. It is yours."

Seventh: Give love and care exactly as much, and exactly when and how much you can do it out of joy and generosity. Don't do anything out of violence against yourself. It is better to refuse the request to your partner.

Eighth: if you notice that your partner does not behave quite like an adult and reproaches you for not giving enough attention and love, share the responsibility here between yourself, your partner and his mother, telling him something like this: I love you, but I cannot be responsible for what happened to you in early childhood. I will not take responsibility for the sins of your mother and your family. I am your partner and not your parent.

Ninth: Be attentive to your partner's manipulations, notice them. These can be reproaches (manipulations on feelings of guilt as an attempt to drown you in guilt, because then you will not go anywhere and it is easier to use you as a buffer zone and load generic problems on you), intimidation by breaking off relations (for fear of loss - you should inform your partner that the next time he starts packing his suitcase, you will do everything so as not to persuade him to stay), manipulations in shame - devaluation of you as a person or comparison with others. Stop it calling things by their proper names: it was manipulation or devaluation or reproach. I will not speak with you in this language. If you want something, ask. As any reproach can be paraphrased into a request.

Tenth: if you have already given birth to children with such a partner, then roll up your sleeves and work on creating clear boundaries with him. Don't take on the role of his mom or dad. Observe yourself and be aware of how you yourself maintain this kind of relationship in which you are not seen as a person, but only a function.

I wish everyone a happy family relationship!

(c) Yulia Latunenko