Daffodils Are Heroes Of Our Time

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Narcissists are the heroes of our time. The power of their charm and charm acts on us like a magnet, but contacts with them are very "toxic" - disappointment is inevitable. So why do they attract us so much and then destroy us? Let's figure out who the narcissist is

It happens that we are so immersed in our own thoughts that we do not notice anything around. And suddenly a stranger attracts our attention: forgetting about all our worries, we literally cannot tear ourselves away from him. Recently in a store I had such a case. A man of imposing appearance, brightly dressed, discussed with the saleswoman his - truly gourmet - gastronomic preferences. At the same time, he modulated with a well-delivered voice, played with intonation, gestured effectively and joked sparklingly. It was a real theater for one actor. I involuntarily began to watch him: he pretended to be engaged exclusively in conversation, but watched whether they looked at him, whether they recognized him. Then he started talking on the phone with the same artistry. He discussed the evening event, revealingly stamping the names of the eminent guests who should be there. He "had" to find out. Who is he? Pronounced daffodil.

THE EPIDEMIC OF NARCISSISM

More and more people have been infected with the "narcissism virus" in recent decades. The typical narcissist is a flamboyant, ambitious egocentric, charming and unceremonious. He - well adapted to the modern world - has every chance to make a successful career, make and maintain profitable acquaintances, easily captivate the hearts of the opposite sex. Narcissists are heroes of our time: many not only admire them, but also want to be just like them.

Narcissism is cultivated by modern society, encouraged in the media and the Internet. It is worth turning on the TV, and we find ourselves on a reality show, each participant of which loves to be in sight and is ready to do anything for the sake of popularity. Social media seems to be specifically designed for narcissists. This is an ideal place where you can declare yourself, build the image you want to demonstrate. Moreover, in the virtual world, it is often far from reality. And the names - MySpace, Twitter, Facebook - are real program declarations! Narcissists are downright bathed in the rays of glory, adding to their friends' list every day, talking about new victories and achievements in their blogs.

In connection with the epidemic of narcissism, contacts with the "infected" are almost inevitable, we meet them everywhere: at home, at work, on vacation. If the narcissists were just kooks or common crooks, interactions could be easily avoided. But the power of their attractiveness, charm, charm acts like a magnet, and we are increasingly drawn to them. However, contact with them is highly toxic, and disappointment is inevitable. Therefore, it is important to be aware of who we are actually dealing with. Why do they attract and then destroy? Let's figure out who the narcissist is. After all, if forewarned, then forearmed.

HOW TO CALCULATE A NARCISSUS?

Narcissistic people are complex contemporaries. They are definitely a "surprise box": personalities woven from paradoxes that are difficult to identify and understand. Let's try to highlight the main "signs" of a typical narcissist.

Shiny persons

The narcissistic ego provides the wearer with a high level of superiority, an all-consuming "brilliance" and grandeur that border on megalomania. It is paradoxical that behind this "package" there is a lack of self-sufficiency, inner emptiness, depression and anxiety. The inner world of a narcissist is filled with negative experiences. This largely determines his defensive behavior: he is guided by the desire to create an image of a brilliant personality in the eyes of others and to hide his own vulnerability, even from himself.

The main thing in the life of such a person is to be different from the rest, to be different from everyone else, not to get lost in the “gray” crowd, to be a figure against its background. He would rather be reputed to be "unformat", crazy, rather than seem unremarkable to those around him. The narcissist constantly demonstrates his “chosenness”: in clothes, words, way of life. If he talks about his family, then how about ideal, about the house - as about exceptional, even if in fact everything is quite prosaic. In an effort to convince others of his own greatness, the narcissist idealizes everything associated with him. Colorful grotesque is his style.

Cold seducers

Attitudes toward people are another paradox of narcissistic behavior. Narcissists have little interest in others, but they cannot live without them. They need an audience to selflessly admire, assent and applaud, an indispensable fuel for the narcissistic ego.

Narcissists can perform spectacular acts, say compliments, radiate warmth, show hyper-generosity and generosity - do everything to lure another mesmerized environment into their orbit. At the moment of "seduction" they use their spell "one hundred percent" and seem to us just extraordinary people. Therefore, they know how to instantly win sympathy, and then manipulate the "prisoners": they control all actions, control their attention and attitude. Narcissists like to be dominant.

In communication, they use special tactics: they speak expressively, gesticulate violently, pause meaningfully, sharply change the topic of the conversation and so make it clear to others that only their opinion is worthy of attention, and, of course, await the laudatory comments of the interlocutors addressed to them.

We do not immediately notice that we are only objects, and we are simply being used. After all, daffodils, at first glance, are extremely charming, kind, responsive, intelligent, witty. But do not forget that in fact they are cold and unable to experience deep warm feelings for anyone. The show ends as soon as the cameras turn off.

Two-faced Januses

The next facet of the paradoxical narcissistic personality is the tendency to devalue other people, combined with an addiction to their admiration.

The narcissist chooses an environment that supports the notion of his exclusivity. He idealizes those who treat him with due reverence. But even from the slightest neglect he enrages, and the daredevil, who has allowed himself "too much", instantly devalues, throws off the pedestal. Anyone who dares even a little bit of criticism is immediately guilty of insulting His Majesty.

The narcissist himself in such cases immediately builds a wall of alienation and moves away. Distance is a defensive reaction to such painful rejection. In this case, his message is unambiguous: "Since you do not appreciate me, I do not need you!" Moreover, the "offended" is convinced that either narrow-minded people or envious people can not be crazy about him: "You envy me because you are a loser!" Having made this conclusion, the narcissist no longer perceives the opinion of the "ill-wisher", he generally ceases to exist for him.

Consumers of love

The narcissist is mistakenly convinced of his own independence and thinks that he does not need anyone. But he needs to receive love from others. The emotions that a loving person gives are necessary to fill the inner emptiness. Therefore, he is looking for someone who is able to experience real feelings, to seriously engage in relationships. The narcissist himself is not able to love, and not only another person, but himself.

Close sincere contacts are not for him, because they give rise to dependence, and dependence on someone else provokes fear. Therefore, he always keeps his distance and controls his own emotions. The narcissist knows how to masterfully hook another, using, for example, the principle of least interest: the less interest he shows in a relationship, the more power he has.

The favorite game of the narcissist is "cat and mouse". He either brings the person closer, then moves him away, and if he feels that he is “flirting,” he breaks ties, and the partner remains confused and bewildered about what he was guilty of. After the "union" with the narcissist, many admit that they feel squeezed out, unable to make any new contacts. They say: “I don't want anything else!”, “This is not for me, that's enough!”, “I'm tired!”, “It's better to be alone!” … But this is how he defends himself from new injuries and disappointments.

Short-term and promiscuous are key strategies in a narcissist's relationship with those around him. This is how he protects himself from new injuries and disappointments. The "victim" is used to the maximum and emotionally squeezed out. And the “victim” itself, if not inclined to “self-torture,” nevertheless opens his eyes and ceases to idealize his idol. For him, such feedback is unbearable! This is why the narcissist is constantly looking for new admirers - to get the next dose of love. Not surprisingly, his relationship with one person cannot last long.

Western psychologists have observed that a person who meets a narcissist feels happy for four months. After this point in time, he notes that things are getting worse. Ironically, the four-month mark in a relationship with a non-narcissist is the time when partners begin to receive maximum satisfaction from the union.

SAFETY

Dealing with a narcissistic person is a challenge. If there is strength and interest, or we simply cannot imagine our life without him, we can try to maintain a relationship. But at the same time, you need to understand well the characteristics of your partner and be aware of: there is a great danger that, by submitting to him, we will change ourselves.

The narcissist usually looks for people with pronounced feelings of guilt and shame, they are easier to manipulate. He makes them suffer and then torment with the question: "What did I do wrong, because everything was fine ?!" - and he feeds on these emotions. Therefore, do not forget that all efforts to keep in touch with such a partner should have a limit. You can't tolerate everything. If you feel that it is impossible to outline acceptable boundaries for you, you have to go away.

The main thing to understand is that the narcissist likes to be a narcissist. We cannot change it, no matter how we want it. We are just fuel for his "grandiose" fire. And you should try to accept the ended relationship not only as a valuable experience, but also as an unforgettable, albeit short-term, holiday: fireworks of emotions, extraordinary courtship, special gifts, heartfelt glances, grandiose plans for the future - after all, all this happened. And, therefore, you should not engage in self-destruction: blame him and feel sorry for yourself. It is better to appreciate everything matured and put the brightest memories in your life's piggy bank.

IN CONCLUSION…

We all have narcissistic qualities. Let's try to accept that a narcissist lives in each of us, the only question is how much it is expressed. Self-confidence, ambitiousness, the ability to self-presentation, the ability to easily find a common language with other people, attract them to our side and manage them help us survive in the modern world. But in an exaggerated form, these qualities can lead to unpleasant and even destructive consequences.

Understanding this will help not only to reconcile us with other narcissists, but also to control narcissism in ourselves. And that means - not to repeat the sad fate of that beautiful mythical young man who fell in love with his reflection, could not tear himself away from it and died of self-love.