Emotional Rejection In The Family. What To Do? Family Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What if in your family, from generation to generation, there is a rejection of each other on some emotional level? What can be changed in a relationship?

Quite often, in families from generation to generation, close people reject each other. The grandmother treats her mother with rejection and disdain, uses some humiliation against her daughter. Time passes, and unexpectedly for herself, the daughter already treats her child with disdain and rejection, unable to respond to the love of her baby. In their feelings, children are very open and vulnerable, and tenderness overwhelms them - they can follow their mother, hug her legs, pull her arms, kiss, etc. There are often situations when the mother cannot do anything in return. Why? Her mother did not give her this flow of love and the bowl is empty. How can you give something to your child from an empty cup of love? Almost impossible!

The situation is similar in the male generation, when the grandfather treated dad badly, and he, accordingly, duplicates this behavior towards his son (he tries with all his heart, but lacks a masculine, strong core).

When one of the members of the family system changes, the whole family system changes. Your task - if you notice this and are ready to work, start and approach this issue very seriously! In therapy, you need to go through family systemic constellations according to B. Hellinger, correct the emotional component of relationships in order to get a result (to develop the ability to respond emotionally to your child's request). If you do not have a child, this technique is applicable in relation to the business in which you are investing (relatively speaking, this is your child), wasting your time, energy, etc. Accordingly, when you have this ability, the hierarchy of generations will also change. Considering the hierarchy according to B. Hellinger, we see the following picture - there is me, behind my parents who look at me, behind them are their parents who look at them. If at least someone turns in the opposite direction, the flow of love will be redirected. For example, the mother faces her grandmother and her flow of love is interrupted. As a result, the child will feel rejected, his life will not be sufficiently rich and fulfilled, and the emotional sphere will suffer greatly.

Often in such families, the more we feel this rejection, the more we go in the opposite direction to our parents (we try for mom, call her constantly, worry, run at the first call, forget about our children for her sake).

What to do? First of all, you need to turn towards your life, look into your future. If you look ahead, your clan, generation also look at you and ideally support you ("Go and do it! We want you to be fine!"). Receiving such a message on an emotional level, a person begins to feel deep down in his soul that everything will be in his life. At the very least, he will strive to do something, he will live. In families where there was emotional rejection, the message from the family sounds completely different: “You have no right, because I feel bad!”. At a deep level, you need to understand - no matter how your parents talk to you, their soul still loves you. By removing all the defenses, trauma and pain experienced by your close relatives (meaning the older generation, who is higher in the hierarchy), you can make sure that they undoubtedly want a better future for their children. There may be a slightly different situation here - their protection overlaps some thought forms,and their own unpleasant experience (or the unpleasant experience of their immediate environment) forces parents to give advice and insist on their implementation (for example, they think it would be better if you study to be a lawyer, not a ballerina, etc.). Trying to “pass on” the experience to their child in this way, deep down they still continue to love him. Situations in which love is basically absent are quite rare. If your mother decided to give you life, and did not cut it off, this is already a testimony of love.

Work on a deep transformation of yourself as a person. Fill your cup with love. The most optimal way is therapy; in this case no one will use you for sure (the exception is payment for the session). However, you will not be able to force a person to experience some sensations for you that in reality he does not feel.

Therapy is a deep transformation of the personality, when true feelings (attachment, love) appear between the client and the therapist. Love in this case is not related, but a little artificial, but nevertheless the feelings are real. The moment these sensations appear, the flow begins to move. So, the main task is to find the flow of love from the outside, from another family system. The therapist, by default, becomes part of the family system, as he makes a great contribution.

If there were destructive events in your life (rapists, tyrants from the outside, someone ruined your life in order, violated something, etc.), the two systems merge into a single link, influencing each other. Which one - you need to understand at a deep level. For this, genograms are built, but for analysis it is necessary to take several generations in both family systems, this is the only way to see all the coincidences and interweaving. For example, a grandmother was once raped. Accordingly, you are connected to the rapist's family system. After 3 generations, you may have certain events when you become a rapist. Thus, you are acting out the role that a sadist played a long time ago in one of the generations of your family.

By and large, everything that happened in your family system matters. The more difficult it is for you to find love in yourself now, the more violations were behind you. Study the history of your family system - who had what fate. Take your relatives inside your consciousness, whatever they may be ("Thank you for being with me, otherwise I would not be here!"). Be sure to give thanks for life. Yes, it can be difficult, but on the other hand, if you weren't there, you wouldn't be able to face anything. For your soul and psyche, this is development. So, the next step in working out the problem of rejection in the family system is to bring up the story of its kind, to understand, accept and acknowledge it. Try to do this on the level of emotions - ideally, feel the pain of those people who were in your family system, imbued with their life difficulties. After working through all the painful moments, you can experience gratitude that they lived as best they could and were able to give birth to you.

Another important point is to work on the trauma of rejection on a personal level (cry, grieve with your childish part). It is likely that as an adult you have forgiven your mother, father, grandparents long ago; you understand why they did certain things. Having matured and accumulated some life experience, we comprehend a way of thinking and are able to explain someone's actions and actions, but deep down in our souls there remains a small child who wanted to receive something completely different from a parent. For example, at 3 years old, 5-7 years old, he wanted his mother to protect, pay attention, console, scold, regret or hug. Accordingly, trauma is formed in this place, and the child, having not received the desired love, is still crying. As long as you do not sit next to him to cry, you will not budge. Perhaps then this feeling of love will begin to appear. Without working through your own traumas, you will not be able to fill the cup of love - it will be full of holes and will not be able to hold all the love that you even now receive from your environment. In other words, love quickly fades into the unconscious trauma of rejection.

How do you deal with your rejection trauma? Remember those stories when you needed love especially badly, you wanted your mom or dad to be there. Then give yourself this love - imagine that you are receiving it (from the same mom, from someone else, from yourself as an adult now). Believe me - there is love inside you, just at the moment it is blocked!